The Blog In Yellow

This will be a quick one. Today was a bad day. I feel like there is a war inside my mind and soul. I don't know why God doesn't reach out to me to quiet the storm but it still rages. Maybe I want it to rage. I woke up with a neck ache on one side from sleeping wrong and had a sinus ache on the other side. Not a fun way to start my day. My coworker told me her doctor informed her that if she wants to live to see sixty, she has to cut down on the drinking. I never took her for a drinker. She told me she was into it since she was twenty. She's slightly disabled which means the bottle has or had a tight grip on her. I know she was called a retard in school, she's not dumb, just a bit different. That bottle will be hard to shake off. She has the beginnings of Liver Disease. I'm worried for her. As for me, my internal war kept me up all night yesterday. I'm hoping to get some sleep tonight. Therapy with my therapist didn't go as well as I hoped. He didn't have...

I'm trying to do a few pages a day again. During my time at work I had a lot of time to think while listening to The Shining. I got a site that plays all the Stephen King audio books...illegally I guess. Listening to that story reminded me why I wanted to write in the first place and the kinds of things I need to get off my chest the next time I see my therapist, which is tomorrow. I hate the blank page. When I have a guide, or a path in front of me, basically an outline, I feel good about writing. When I don't, I feel like crap and so does the writing. I've been trying desperately to write my Cain story and I have an idea of what to do but not how to get there. It's frustrating because I'm trying to catch up. I feel like I've wasted a big chunk of my life playing games and goofing around. But it's my life so I'm allowed to use it as I see fit, I think. I wonder if God can help me catch up. I know, I know, they say that your race is your own and shouldn...

Several good things happened today. I got my car washed and hung out with my dad. He's got some back pain but hopefully he'll get better. I've decided to write three pages every day come hell or high water, again. I hope I can stick to it this time. I'm going to try.

 It's been a while since I wrote. I'm working on finding out why I'm so ashamed of my writing. I think it's because I'm ashamed of the things I enjoy. My folks used to poke fun at the games and anime I liked. Not to be mean but it still affected me. Anyway, a friend came over today and we watched a few good movies. I got pizza and got to show my friend the games I was talking to him about. It was the perfect amount of him because fish and friends stink after three days. 

Am I really halfway there? Is this really helping? I can't live day by day, I have to know what's happening next. A few good things did happen. I listened to Bill Johnson again. Depsite the chip on my shoulder of being told what to do, it was a good lesson. Mom thinks that everyone has that kind of chip. People like to think they're independent. I got some gameplay in. I've been playing Crimson Desert and I can barely play an hour because of the massive size of the game world. It's so over whelming that I don't know if I can properly play it. It's like an overload for me and that rarely happens to me in games. I guess that's a good thing. I mopped all the floors at work today, I think I did a good job. That's another good thing. And I wrote three sentences for my story today. I asked God to give me the courage to write after work. He gave me the courage and the energy.

I went onto a site called "Shut up and Write." I spent an hour writing with few distractions and it felt as good as vomiting. Somehow my creative mind doesn't catch up when I'm writing fiction. I'm meeting my writing friend today so maybe I'll feel better after talking to her. I've noticed something about me, certain things in my home, in my life, don't move. It's like they're stuck. Things like tools I never use or objects I let collect dust. I noticed it when I was cleaning out with my mom today. She insisted on coming over and having me take inventory of everything she pulled out. I count cleaning as a win but knowing that you don't use the things your parents provide for you maked me feel a little guilty.