The Blog In Yellow

Today I went to the Columbus Book Fair downtown. It's a two day event where authors come to present their work while the famous authors, like Paul Tremblay, get to galvanize their career by showing up while the rest of us normal folk struggle to get published. I shouldn't be so bitter. I've read some of Tremblay's work and it isn't bad, just not my cup of tea. I prefer my tea with a lot of bitter tears in it like Stephen King's tea. My dad and I went there early, around ten before the real event began. I went to find a room where other small time authors would give me their input on writing. There was a line for Tremblay before I got there and it tripled by the time my group was done. I did get some things out of the group. I was lucky to get a seat near the front. The authors there described what their process was like and how they got to be where they are. At first, I thought that only the guy would hold answers for me but there was this woman there who had wr...

It's only Twelve and the day has been full of events. I went to my dentist to get a tooth put in. After half a year of having a gap in my smile, the implant feels alien. Like there's a wad of something foreign in my mouth. It doesn't feel like the opposite premolar. Like someone shoved a ceramic weight into my gums. It doesn't hurt but it will take some time to get used to.  I've had strange dreams as well. Last night, I dreamed I was in Eddy's house from the hit cartoon. We were looking for food for some reason. This new medicine I'm taking has made me sleepy during the night time. Thankfully, there isn't an after effect so I'm not drowsy in the morning. I wake up feeling refreshed and ready to tackle the day. But the medicine has not removed my fear of writing. I suppose that will be something I will always have to face. I'm worried that my work won't add up to something. I know a lot of writers talk about writing from a place of love. Can ...

I've been asked by my therapist to look inside myself and ask what is causing that competitive side of me to come out. I've been of the mindset that if I didn't win, I lost. I think I compared it to someone who runs the Boston Marathon. There are those that run for the exercise, the ones that try to beat their own record and the people who try to win the race. I've seen the Boston Marathon on TV before and they rarely focus on the winner, rather the TV crews show the groups of people passing the line. I've never done a lot of research on the marathon but I know that it's a gauntlet to get through. But, when I think about the people who've won awards like King and Ellison, I feel like there is a game to win. Case in point, I'm watching a video about a competitive video game: Tokon Fighting Souls. Just like the marathon, there are three groups of people who play, and I can't help but feel like I'm in a race to the top. My therapist has advised me t...

I've been on Lithium for two days now and I don't feel better. I know that this is to get my body adjusted to the stuff but I'm impatient. I'm used to my drugs taking effect in a couple of minutes, not days. I noticed that as you get older the more people around you suffer. They age, or the things they did as a kid catch up with them. Like bad eating habbits or drinking problems. One way or another, we all pay. It makes me wonder what I'll have to pay for when I'm older. I'm almost thirty eight, still young, but getting up there in the years. You start to wonder what you're friends from highschool and college are doing. Are they ok? Did they make their dreams come true? You think about a lot of that stuff. I'm too young for self reflection. Lately, I've been upset with myself. I'm not enjoying things like I used to. Movied, games, books, they hold no interest for me. I've become disinterested in games and I don't have the stamina for ...

Ive had this disturbing thought, in fact, I've had it multiple times in my life. Sometimes I think a person would be better off dead. Im religious so I believe that eternal paradise awaits us. Even if it doesnt, surely death, an end to the pain, is better than the suffering. Recently, I saw a friend suffer. She's got liver disease from drinking since she was twenty. She looked so sad that I was willing to do anything to relieve her, even if it meant it would end her. If I could just stop her pain. Something similar happened today. My aunt is suffering from blood clots and bowel issues. The doctors can do little and she sounds depressed. Is there more that I cam do than pray?

It's called that because my dreams are inverted. In this dream, I had the goal of being a dishwasher but I end up working for a TV or Movie set. The director is this strict but understanding woman who reminds me of the Devil wears Prada or something. She's tough on her crew but understanding towards me because she knows I'm autistic. I duck into the set when they start filming a medical horror drama. There's this glowing goo like from the Reanimator films that the head actress is using to fight the doctors. She becomes my girlfriend later. The director hires me to work on set and I take the job. Later, I go out to take out the trash and this guy keeps poking me with a stick. I end up fighting him with tai chi because its the only exercise I get. Later on I return to the trash area to pick up some litter and some people help me out. And of course, because it's a dream, there's zombies in it. But I'm chalking that up to the director making a zombie film. Overa...