The Blog In Yellow

I tried something different. I tried listening to God like the Perfected By Blood people, that my mom listens to, suggested. I got a...I dunno, vision, of a dead catepillar. Not a good sign. I told my mom about this and she suggested it was a form of resurrection. Yesterday, I spent the day at my folk's place while my laundry was being done. I went out to eat chips and salsa with them while waiting for the drier. I told watched a few videos of Perfected By Blood and I got a thought about a dried viver bed where my caterpillar laid. Eventually, the river of life came back to the dried area. On a whim, I looked up "dead caterpillar" on my phone and it told me that it's likely that the bug is in the process of changing to a butterfly. I hope that's the case with me. That I'm changing, not dying. That made me feel better for the first time in a while. After lunch with my folks I came home and took a nap. I had plenty to bring in from the car so I was tired. I thin...

Am I feeling better? I have access to new ways of learning the writing process. There's a bunch of free online videos and plenty of books to read. But I haven't been doing much with those resources. Do I really want this or do I think I want this? Writing...writing takes a lot out of me. It's like scraping the bottom of my soul and digging up things I didn't want to see. My folks keep telling me that I'm young and that I have time but I'm almost thirty eight and I haven't published anything yet. Not that I think anything I've written is worthy to be published. So why don't I go back and work on the other stuff? Because I don't want to, that's why. If I'm honest with myself, my work is okay but not great. At least not yet. That inner critic is a coward who keeps my dreams at bay. Speaking of which, I had at least five great dreams last night, stuff that I thought I could use for a book or something. But I forgot all of them. How is it that...

I don't know what happened to me yesterday. The group seems to be warming up to me. One of them even played along with one of my jokes. So why was I so tired. I woke up today, ate breakfast, and went back to sleep, until 1:44. Almost fifteen mintues from my work time. What happened to me? I don't think I should go back to those DnD sessions or at least cut down on them. These long sessions have an effect on my head and my back. I went in thinking we were only going to do two hours but we ended up doing three. Three hours? What did I walk into? I don't know how to tell people that I'm done with them and that I need to be by myself for a few hours. I need to recharge on my lonliness so that I can be social. I'm always hoping that my job will cut into the game nights giving me an excuse to avoid but it rarely happens. I don't understand why I don't like it so much. People make their way in life by knowing someone. At least, that's what I've been told. I...

I curse today. With everything in me I curse today. I got to do everything I wanted to do, I execised for forty five minutes, ate a good and healthy breakfast, played games but I didn't do the one thing I wanted to do today. I wanted to write my Cain story for two hours and I'm so scared of it that I shudder at the thought. I was barely able to make myself do these pages today. What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? It feels like NOTHING is going my way. Maybe I should give up on being a writer and be a gamer instead. I'll be like Jack Torrence and blow this whole sucker sky high. I need a bomb, or a overheating boiler.  Anyway, the stupid home people sent me a message saying that they fixed my window. Then why is it still proped up with my pole? Idiots. Morons. I told them exactly where to find it. Now the heat will get out and I'll end up paying for the AC. Oh, but I did do something right today, I almost, almost, ordered blue earrings for my coworker. It's no...

Im too tired and I wont beat myself up over it

Went shopping today. I talked with my writing friend before I went and it seems that I'm still so far behind the people I want to catch up to. I know I'm not supposed to compare but when your shelves are filled with published novels it's hard to not compare. Maybe I should burn them. I tried listening to King's audio book again and I'm just out of it today. I don't know what's wrong with me. Even after going to the gym and socializing I still feel bad. Maybe it's because I have nothing to do. Is that the reason? I also feel like I'm rushing around a lot. When I only had a few games, I'd play them over and over until I knew them like I know my hand. Today? I have enough games to last me a life time and I'm still bored. Having this huge list of games to play wears down on me. It makes me think of my phone and all the tabs I have on my phone. I tried to exercise my issues by going to the gym but that didn't really help. I'll live a few m...