The Blog In Yellow

I've been asked by my therapist to look inside myself and ask what is causing that competitive side of me to come out. I've been of the mindset that if I didn't win, I lost. I think I compared it to someone who runs the Boston Marathon. There are those that run for the exercise, the ones that try to beat their own record and the people who try to win the race. I've seen the Boston Marathon on TV before and they rarely focus on the winner, rather the TV crews show the groups of people passing the line. I've never done a lot of research on the marathon but I know that it's a gauntlet to get through. But, when I think about the people who've won awards like King and Ellison, I feel like there is a game to win. Case in point, I'm watching a video about a competitive video game: Tokon Fighting Souls. Just like the marathon, there are three groups of people who play, and I can't help but feel like I'm in a race to the top. My therapist has advised me t...

I've been on Lithium for two days now and I don't feel better. I know that this is to get my body adjusted to the stuff but I'm impatient. I'm used to my drugs taking effect in a couple of minutes, not days. I noticed that as you get older the more people around you suffer. They age, or the things they did as a kid catch up with them. Like bad eating habbits or drinking problems. One way or another, we all pay. It makes me wonder what I'll have to pay for when I'm older. I'm almost thirty eight, still young, but getting up there in the years. You start to wonder what you're friends from highschool and college are doing. Are they ok? Did they make their dreams come true? You think about a lot of that stuff. I'm too young for self reflection. Lately, I've been upset with myself. I'm not enjoying things like I used to. Movied, games, books, they hold no interest for me. I've become disinterested in games and I don't have the stamina for ...

Ive had this disturbing thought, in fact, I've had it multiple times in my life. Sometimes I think a person would be better off dead. Im religious so I believe that eternal paradise awaits us. Even if it doesnt, surely death, an end to the pain, is better than the suffering. Recently, I saw a friend suffer. She's got liver disease from drinking since she was twenty. She looked so sad that I was willing to do anything to relieve her, even if it meant it would end her. If I could just stop her pain. Something similar happened today. My aunt is suffering from blood clots and bowel issues. The doctors can do little and she sounds depressed. Is there more that I cam do than pray?

It's called that because my dreams are inverted. In this dream, I had the goal of being a dishwasher but I end up working for a TV or Movie set. The director is this strict but understanding woman who reminds me of the Devil wears Prada or something. She's tough on her crew but understanding towards me because she knows I'm autistic. I duck into the set when they start filming a medical horror drama. There's this glowing goo like from the Reanimator films that the head actress is using to fight the doctors. She becomes my girlfriend later. The director hires me to work on set and I take the job. Later, I go out to take out the trash and this guy keeps poking me with a stick. I end up fighting him with tai chi because its the only exercise I get. Later on I return to the trash area to pick up some litter and some people help me out. And of course, because it's a dream, there's zombies in it. But I'm chalking that up to the director making a zombie film. Overa...

Yesterday, I gave my first review of a short story. It was amature and not in a bad way, but in a way that told me that the writer hadn't written a lot yet. I gave my two cents and earned two points. Not enough to get my work posted but enough for a start. I wonder if I can do more. The problem is that I need A LOT of feedback to grow and it seems like this site only has three to five reviews at the most. Maybe I should spread out my search. There's also FIVVER which will connect me with professionals, but I have to pay. You always have to pay. And there's no guarantee that my work will be published. I look at the better works that people have put out and it feels like there is a gap between my location and them. I'll try my best to push forward.  Moving on, today was a bit different. I found out that the biggest problem writers have is to give themselves permission to be bad. At least with the first draft. I'm so glad that it's a common problem but I wish someo...

This is a warm up. I'm going to write this and then work on the first chapter of Cain. I've found a site to post my work. I'm hoping this takes some of the sting out of the inner critic. I'm feeling him today. Right now I'm on the phone with my psychiatrist asking about an open time. Looks like...we've got it all worked out. She's hoping a medicine change will help my mental state. Maybe I should stop writing for a while and see if my mental health gets better.  Before that, there's a few things I wanted to write about. I was thinking about The Shining again and I found a chapter that struck me. I don't know why it struck me but my mind was thinking about areas where Jack was being misogynistic towards Wendy. There's a scene around the middle fo the book where the three of them are snowed in the Overlook. Wendy and Jack have had a bit of an argument after Danny went into room 217, or 237 if you're talking about the movie. The book never tells...