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3 Pages Attempt Again 7

I tried something different. I tried listening to God like the Perfected By Blood people, that my mom listens to, suggested. I got a...I dunno, vision, of a dead catepillar. Not a good sign. I told my mom about this and she suggested it was a form of resurrection. Yesterday, I spent the day at my folk's place while my laundry was being done. I went out to eat chips and salsa with them while waiting for the drier. I told watched a few videos of Perfected By Blood and I got a thought about a dried viver bed where my caterpillar laid. Eventually, the river of life came back to the dried area. On a whim, I looked up "dead caterpillar" on my phone and it told me that it's likely that the bug is in the process of changing to a butterfly. I hope that's the case with me. That I'm changing, not dying. That made me feel better for the first time in a while. After lunch with my folks I came home and took a nap. I had plenty to bring in from the car so I was tired. I thin...
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3 Pages Attempt Again 6

Am I feeling better? I have access to new ways of learning the writing process. There's a bunch of free online videos and plenty of books to read. But I haven't been doing much with those resources. Do I really want this or do I think I want this? Writing...writing takes a lot out of me. It's like scraping the bottom of my soul and digging up things I didn't want to see. My folks keep telling me that I'm young and that I have time but I'm almost thirty eight and I haven't published anything yet. Not that I think anything I've written is worthy to be published. So why don't I go back and work on the other stuff? Because I don't want to, that's why. If I'm honest with myself, my work is okay but not great. At least not yet. That inner critic is a coward who keeps my dreams at bay. Speaking of which, I had at least five great dreams last night, stuff that I thought I could use for a book or something. But I forgot all of them. How is it that...
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3 Pages Attempt Again 5

I don't know what happened to me yesterday. The group seems to be warming up to me. One of them even played along with one of my jokes. So why was I so tired. I woke up today, ate breakfast, and went back to sleep, until 1:44. Almost fifteen mintues from my work time. What happened to me? I don't think I should go back to those DnD sessions or at least cut down on them. These long sessions have an effect on my head and my back. I went in thinking we were only going to do two hours but we ended up doing three. Three hours? What did I walk into? I don't know how to tell people that I'm done with them and that I need to be by myself for a few hours. I need to recharge on my lonliness so that I can be social. I'm always hoping that my job will cut into the game nights giving me an excuse to avoid but it rarely happens. I don't understand why I don't like it so much. People make their way in life by knowing someone. At least, that's what I've been told. I...
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3 Pages Attepmt Again 4

I curse today. With everything in me I curse today. I got to do everything I wanted to do, I execised for forty five minutes, ate a good and healthy breakfast, played games but I didn't do the one thing I wanted to do today. I wanted to write my Cain story for two hours and I'm so scared of it that I shudder at the thought. I was barely able to make myself do these pages today. What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? It feels like NOTHING is going my way. Maybe I should give up on being a writer and be a gamer instead. I'll be like Jack Torrence and blow this whole sucker sky high. I need a bomb, or a overheating boiler.  Anyway, the stupid home people sent me a message saying that they fixed my window. Then why is it still proped up with my pole? Idiots. Morons. I told them exactly where to find it. Now the heat will get out and I'll end up paying for the AC. Oh, but I did do something right today, I almost, almost, ordered blue earrings for my coworker. It's no...
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no writing

Im too tired and I wont beat myself up over it
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3 Pages Attempt Again 3

Went shopping today. I talked with my writing friend before I went and it seems that I'm still so far behind the people I want to catch up to. I know I'm not supposed to compare but when your shelves are filled with published novels it's hard to not compare. Maybe I should burn them. I tried listening to King's audio book again and I'm just out of it today. I don't know what's wrong with me. Even after going to the gym and socializing I still feel bad. Maybe it's because I have nothing to do. Is that the reason? I also feel like I'm rushing around a lot. When I only had a few games, I'd play them over and over until I knew them like I know my hand. Today? I have enough games to last me a life time and I'm still bored. Having this huge list of games to play wears down on me. It makes me think of my phone and all the tabs I have on my phone. I tried to exercise my issues by going to the gym but that didn't really help. I'll live a few m...
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3 Pages Attempt Again 2

This will be a quick one. Today was a bad day. I feel like there is a war inside my mind and soul. I don't know why God doesn't reach out to me to quiet the storm but it still rages. Maybe I want it to rage. I woke up with a neck ache on one side from sleeping wrong and had a sinus ache on the other side. Not a fun way to start my day. My coworker told me her doctor informed her that if she wants to live to see sixty, she has to cut down on the drinking. I never took her for a drinker. She told me she was into it since she was twenty. She's slightly disabled which means the bottle has or had a tight grip on her. I know she was called a retard in school, she's not dumb, just a bit different. That bottle will be hard to shake off. She has the beginnings of Liver Disease. I'm worried for her. As for me, my internal war kept me up all night yesterday. I'm hoping to get some sleep tonight. Therapy with my therapist didn't go as well as I hoped. He didn't have...
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