The Blog In Yellow

I was thinking today that life is okay. I have a job where I'm appreciated for the bare minimum I do. I have people whom I can recognize and are friendly. If there's a resident who's bad, I don't have to worry about them for long. They'll leave soon. I get all the time to play and research I want. I should be more thankful. This isn't bad at all.

I had another dream about Stephen King. This time I met him in a line for dinner and he told me it was an honor to meet. He told ME it was an honor to meet. What a dream.

I'm secure in my job but there have been ones that I've applied for that would not fit me. Recently, I've started watching old episodes of Storage Wars. Despite my hatred of "reality" TV, shows about antiques always pique my interest. What i wouldn't give to go through Lovecraft's storage locker. The show is dull now but back in the day I was addicted to this show. 9i even tried to apply for jobs at storage facilities, a type of job that would not suit me with all it's labor.

There's something I want to creat. Something inside me that feels different than the other stuff people put out there. Maybe it's ego but I feel like my stuff is different. But the moment I put finger to keys, the stuff inside becomes soiled. Like the process of transition spoils the work. I don't know what it is but I'll do some searching to find out. Maybe my stuff isn't as special as I thought and I don't mean that in a bad way. It just seems to blend with the other stuff I've read when I pull it out.

Of course it had to happen while i was working. Sweat down my face, no computer in front of me. I can't do anything so I panic. Usually about my writing future or something else out of my hands. I forget that this job is part of my purpose too. That paying my bills until I become a writer is part of the work. I shouldn't be down on myself, I should be proud I'm not on the street. And the attacks, they go away like the tides. 

After Nosferatu I'd thought I was movied out but I had room for one more film for the night. The same friend that watched Egger's new film watched West World with me. Delos: the park where nothing can go wrong. Nothing can go wrong. Nothing can-can-c... Written and directed by the great but often forgotten Michael Crichton, the film has visitors experiencing the wild West, ancient Rome or the Medieval ages all inhabited by robots who will do anything you want. Of course something goes wrong but I love Crichton's style of hinting at problems and showing rather than telling. There's a line where the scientist state that they are unsure how the robots work. A statement that leads to their doom. There's also the scene where the park workers gather the robots each night to repair the damage done by customers. It's this subtle input that makes the movie great. The film really goes all in to make you feel like you're watching a park from the future. But at no point...

I'll have more to say after I digesting this film. I've been into Robert Eggers films since his The Witch movie and The Lighthouse is still one of my favorite horror films. So I was excited when I heard Bill Skaarsguard would be playing the titular vampire and he did not disappoint. The movie is filled with Gothic imagery and Victorian scenes almost to the point of absurdity. That's the key here, I caught a couple laughs in the audience and I laughed myself. Not because it was bad but more so at the oppressing feel of the film that anything that lightened the mood felt like a relief. I have a rule about horror films and it's that you almost never show the monster until the end and Eggers follows it perfectly. Only at the end do we see the hideous makeup Bill had to wear to portray a rotting corpse from Hell. I wasn't scared which is usually a knock on a film but I was so drawn into the great shots and the setting that I didn't have time to let the scares sink in...

I was going to get on here and complain about how I haven't finished the Lyra character yet but instead I'm going to talk about what I've learned. I'm going to take a lesson from my mom and be kind to myself. So I've learned to be a little more focused. I want to try to do a character a week or faster if possible. I'm making a week my goal to start off small and work my way up. I need to pick a number of questions and stick to them. Finally, I need to follow my instincts because I while I am receiving help in writing, I need to add my own element to my work. So, I'll try again once I'm done with Lyra and dive deep into my characters. Im not going to get down on myself because that won't help me in the long run. 

As if the holidays weren't crazy enough, I'm going to see Robert Eggers "Nosferatu" on Christmas morning. I usually do nothing on holidays besides work. After getting presents, I always feel awkward. It's like the world stops on Christmas, something that disturbs me. Not this year, I'm going to enjoy myself with a friend and watch what will likely be the most haunting film I've ever seen. I must be mad to see a horror film on this most holy of days.

I've become excited lately. My interest in writing has shared as I've almost finished questioning my first character. She played a bit role in the outline but I'm so glad that I know her better. Her name is Lyra and she only appears in two scenes but I feel I know her so well that she could be a main character. The problem is the skew or strange path I went down. She became a dark, nerdy girl in a way that I'm not sure that I like. She'll likely have to be refreshed as the other characters develop. Honestly, she reminds me of The Crow, this embodiment of sadness and despair. That's not what I'm aiming for. When I first created Lyra, I didn't even know her name, but I did know that I wanted her to be mysterious. Know thst I know her better, that part has disappeared. I wonder what I can do to correct this.

This is my blog to use as i see fit. So I'm going to talk about a compliment. Today I was thanked for being a good worker and all the things I bring to my job. It was said something along the lines of how there's no one else like me. 

Magnum Tenebrosum. The Unnamed Darkness. Lord Darkness. The parent of Shub-Niggurath, few names are given to this being and fewer stories are told about it. Only "The Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath" mentions a "sentient darkness." Lovecraft only calls it "the darkness" in a kind of a joke add on to the mythos. Perhaps the lack of names is part of the point. It's an unknown god. To know it is to subcumb to madness. To know is to open yourself to unknown forces. Knowledge can bring fear and sometimes the less we know the better. We live in ignorance because we don't want the weight of the world on us. To not know is to have freedom. It literally is the Darkness, the unknown, that keeps us safe. I'm not sure how to better write this but not knowing, having a clouded and dark mind, can be beneficial to the mind.

The Living Flame. The Burning One. Kathigu-Ra. Old Entity Cthugha. Flaring God. Kuuko. And Yang Guife. The god of fire opposed the Elder gods and for that they bound him for all eternity near the star Fomalhaut. To summon him, one must repeat the phrase "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cyhugha Fomalhaut n'gha-ghaa naf'l thagn! Ia! Cthugha!" three times.  He has appeared in many forms in different media including a man, a teen girl, and a dragon. He can only bring madness to those who seek him and destruction upon those he is sent against. He was created by Lovecraft's friend August Derleth. In "The Dweller in the Darkness," Cthugha is summoned to destroy an avatar of Nyarlathotep. Since then, other authors have tied the two together as light vs darkness. It's strange to see such a god because Derleth often created gods to oppose Lovecraft's in a type of good vs evil storyline. Even the name is confusing. It's too close to Cthulhu.  The descendant ...

I've been cooking. Character development coming out the fingers like magic. New ideas and possibilities. Like fire off the tail of a comet. It's fun to write again. I've finally have some characters and their motivations. It feels like breathing life into something and it feels good. I'll write more later.

I spent an hour telling my therapist why I don't like myself. Either I don't get enough done, or don't write, or something trivial. My therapist suggested I write down the things I like about me. Today, I was called "sweet" by two different people. So, it must be true if I have witnesses. I think I'll add this to my list. I'm sweet towards people. 

All that I want is temporary. Lust, fame, wealth. All these will pass and I know it. So why am I cursed to want them? Its a spiral of wanting and self loathing. I should want the eternal but I crave the here and now. My lack only gnaws on me like a starving man who hasn't eaten in weeks. How do I cry out to someone I can't hear? How do I discipline myself to put down the fading and focus on the future? I feel damned.

I must have missed something because I'm halfway through Annihilation according to my reader app. How did it get this far with only two things happening? I don't know if it's a testament to how good the writing is or how bad. In the amount I've read, the narrator talks about descending into this area that has sunk into the ground that she designates as a "tower." The reverse would be true because this area spirals into the earth. The narrator and her accomplices go down and, without giving much away, discover a monster residue along with human remains. They return to camp ane the narrator decides to go to the local lighthouse. I'm trying to not spoil anything but did I just read half a book with only two events happening? I suppose the lighthouse is supposed to represent the opposite of the "tower" area which is good writing, but i feel like a magic trick has been pulled over me. The narrator also talks about her husband when he made a similar tr...

Another day wasted. If i was King or Sanderson, I'd have two books written by now. I can't do anything these past two days. I don't even read. What's wrong with me? Why do I sleep so much? I look at the computer screen and I get scraps of story written but nothing big done. My stupid autistic brain is like a wall I can't get through. Tomorrow I'm going to the ai and hitting the books.

Lovecraft enjoyed observing the stars. Most of his stories revolve around heavenly occurrences and events tied to "when the stars are right." But only one story talks about a metorite: The Color Out of Space. In the story a farmhand discovers a stone thst glows a color never seen before. After some time the meteorite dissolves but not before poisoning the farm and killing everything within the radious. Lovecraft likely observed comets and meteors and wondered what would happen if they hit the earth. It's obvious he knew the impact would be significant to earth. But what of the afterward? How would such an object affect us? Extinction theories likely existed before Lovecraft's time but Lovecraft was operating on a system that to us would be outdated. Could Lovecraft been ahead of the curve with the idea that life was once wiped out by a meteor? Doubtful but it is an interesting idea.

I went to the Thurber House today. The people were nice and I learned a lot. Looks like people are into the house for Thurber, the architecture, and ghosts. Yes, this tour home seems to be haunted. I never knew there was a Ghost Hunting TV show filmed here. Nor did I know that Thurber drew for the New Yorker. I.pressive work and all but the group behind the house needs to raise 200 grand to stay afloat. How do you draw up such an amount of money? I don't want to contribute because I don't want my efforts to go to waste. Unless there's a large donation, I think they're doomed. At least I'll get to be a docent for a while. 

I'm a big gamer. Over the time I've played plenty in my life that has inspired me. But there's a game I've never played that oozes Lovecraft and that's Quake. Anyone who plays games knows the legend of Quake. One of the first 3D games, it took the fps genre to the next level the same way Mario 64 did for platforming. If you've played a 3D game, there's a good chance that it has its base staked in Quake. This game created Quakecon, one of the few and most important conventions for gaming. Tournaments were held that shaped the foundation in all the gaming tournaments held today. You can't overstate the importance of this game. So why haven't I played it? Due to time, mostly, and a lack of interest I've never got around to playing it. The game did more for gaming than Lovecraft. But one of the important aspects I've been studying is the enemy lineup. Zombies, Ogres, Vores, and my favorite, Shamblers all stand between you and a showdown with Shub...

I'm doing several today to make up for lost time. I had a dream two nights ago, in it i was in a short line to meet Stephen King, my favorite author. It's weird that he would show up in a small bar/bookstore. It was strange that I picked a book of his I had never read before, because it was too scary even for me to read, for him to sign. And it didn't make sense that he was coated in clear slime. I even got to shake his hand. Despite all the strangeness, I'm seeing as encouragement. 

I may have said this before but I wanted to reiterate it: there is a difference in how characters use abilities and their effects on the story. For example The Shining vs Dr. Sleep. In the first novel, Danny Torence's power is an ability that helps him communicate. His powers don't protect him, just yje opposite, they are the reason the Outlook Hotel wants him. If we look at the sequel, the powers are still a burden to the point that Danny turns to his father's poison and drinks away his abilities. But in the final battle he's able to conjure hands to push the villain off an edge and break her neck. Now he's using his powers to influence something, now he understands his powers. It kills the mystery when the protagonist has understanding. Before it was a mystery, a journey we were walking through with Danny. Now it's a fact. An ugly statemental blotch on the story. It's one of the issues I'm dealing with when writing my own story. 

Of course my interests in Lovecraft are for his Cthulhu stories but what about his non fiction? Lovecraft, being an amateur scientist, completed several books on astronomy specifically on the Moon and Mars and other heavenly occurrences. He kept a magazine for Rhode Island for nearly five years and for some reason had a book about smelting. It's easy to forget that there's more to Lovecraft than the stories he wrote. I wonder if he had any influence on the scientific world. It's more likely that this was akin to a youtuber making videos on their favorite subject. Or similar to what I'm doing with so few, if any, viewers. That's okay with me, this blog is by and for me.

Recently I've had a recurring dream. I'm at my folks house and i want to check up on my home. I fear that I've been away for so long that someone may have broken in. My old consoles are there with games waiting for me. For some reason, I'm unable to visit my house. The reason always changes but the delay is always the same.  If I were to interpret, I'd think that it's about a longing to be at my own home and work on projects waiting there for me. I can't descern any more clues as I always forget the rest. But I always wonder how I can use this inhibited imagination. The mind always seems to be more free when sleeping. The id comes out to play it's games. It's no wonder Lovecraft used his dreams as a starting point.