The Blog In Yellow

When I first started my job, my activities were mainly contained in a room called "Sun." There are three sections, Rose, Bird, and Sun, each with a dining room, kitchen, and a washer. Starting in Sun let me adjust to the needs that each room needed and learn about the individuals that dined there. I made and lost my first elderly friend in Sun. I made my first "enemy" there too. She's not a true enemy, more of an irritant that won't shut up. After four years that Sun room is being remade into a different purpose. We won't eat there any more and Rose and Bird are to be conjoined. But I'll never forget Sun as the opening to one of my favorite jobs. 

They were so thankful for a half pot of coffee they hugged me. Maybe I'm not as awful as I thought I was. One of the aids told me that she had sleep apnea and needs coffee to stay awake. But they hugged me. I got hugged. Five of them surrounded me and thanked me. I'm so happy.  I almost cried.

The Lurker at the Threahold. The Key and the Gate. The Beyond One. Opener of the Way. The All-in-One. The One-in-All. All-Encompassing. Yogge-Sothothe. Yok-Zothoth. Yog-Sototl. Iog-Sotot. Many are the names for this unspeakable god. Even in his banishment he is omniscient and omnipresent. Born of the Nameless Mist, he knows all that is and is to come. A mass of orbs bound by tentacles, each orb seems to offer glimpses into other times or dimensions. Flickers of fate dance in his spheres. Each of the thirteen known spheres bears a name.  Gomory. Zagan. Sytry. Eligor.  Durson.  Vual. Scor.  Algor.  Sefon.  Partas.  Gamor.  Umbra.  Anaboth.  Even Nyarlathotep gives Yog-Sothoth his respect. Perhaps THE most powerful of the dieties, only answerable to Azathoth. Some speculate they may be opposites. Yin and Yang. One the void, the other fulfilment. But don't think this makes him benevolent. Ask the Whateleys of what happens when you seek his k...

I ponder Lovecraft more than I should. His life, his failings, his accomplishments. But one thing that nags at me is what drove him to write horror. I've read how the death of his father and grandfather and subsequent move affected him. Change is hard, especially for a child, but what was it that made him dive into horror? Its likely a list of things, just as events are often the sum of their parts rather than one action. I would like to hazard that it's frustration with himself to be unable to make a cohesive picture of his life. He was obviously into gathering information. He tracked his ancestry by several generations and kept journals of the stars. But he also dropped out of highschool. It's as if he's leaning toward things he loves more than the average general education. Like most artists he took his pain and made works that haunt us to this day. I doubt he would consider himself an artist, he'd likely prefer to be known as a scientist or a famous author. The ...

I came in an hour early to work. I had nothing better to do after celebrating my sister's birthday. The worker there was putting up the cereal and was too short to reach the higher cabinets. I guess my 6'2" came in handy today. She said i was a "godsend" and another aid agreed because I was relieving her an hour early. One of the aids asked Alexa to play "Big Bad John." I've heard that song before and only the height applies to me. It felt good to be appreciated.

I've outlined the basics for my main character. I often dance around with side and supporting characters before I decide on the main one. Main characters act like tent poles for the story. Now that I'm done with him, I can move onto side and characters and the antagonist. 

I remember being in my teens, reading a comic about the cut off hand of Luke Skywalker. An important part in the film, but why was there a whole comic about what happened after? Who cares what happened? The problem with Star Wars is that its been stretched beyond it's depth. It's a basic premise that's been dug into for so long that it's lost it's meaning. I'm not saying this to rag on the series, but at some point you have to give media a rest or find something else. 

If you observe history you can see the evolution of religion. Ancient paganism religions assigned an element to a god like the god of fire, water, and so on. Man was seperate from the gods, they lived in their own realm and interacted with man at a basic level. That changed with Christianity. Now, god interacted with man. God became a line to humanity to lift him up. Today, we still have gods. Internet god, money god, drug god. The temples may have changed but we still worship. Going back a hundred years to Lovecraft, we see a reversal of the evolution. God does not want to know man or be known. God cannot be understood by our mortal minds. It is an opposing view of the way religion was following. In Lovecraft's day, new science were being discovered like electricity and basic chemistry. Despite these understandings, Lovecraft seems to look at the futility of such discoveries. We see a pantheon that science bows to. A pantheon that does not make sense by our own understanding. In f...

I get mad at myself very easily. I expect more than what my body can give. I wasn't up until 11 when I should have been up at 9. I barely got any questions for my character done and I just slept in. It wasn't until 30 minutes before I had to go to work that my brain kicked in. Not a good start. I wonder how I can get myself awake.  I think it's think this way because co.pleting this story feels like it will free me. Stephen King talks about the power of writing, maybe it can save me too.

I had a meeting with an aid today and the meeting itself wasn't bad. But, I always have to go over issues I'm having and that drags me down. So much so it's affecting my writing today. I'm done, I'm going to go play games. It feels like a summation of what I can't do. 

I've read Chainsaw Man for about two years and while the series has ups and downs it's the world building that fascinates me. The manga is built as an action first manga, forgoing a few world building steps but the little we get feels like a full meal rather than the tedious exposition in other manga. The world inhabited by the titular character Denji is filled with devils that become more powerful the more humanity fears them.  What's horrifying is that the world seems to be in an endless cycle. Even if a devil is killed it will reincarnate. Humanity will always fear the darkness. Thus it seems that Denji's is only delaying the inevitable. People live in this world despite their fears, we have to function somehow and brave the darkness. It's something I'd like to add to my world.

I've seen a few new games pop up like 'That's not my neighbor," in the gaming circles I follow. Think of them like an interactive version of "Guess Who" where someone who looks human wants inside your house. Your job? Use clues to check out the guest list. So.e are obvious clues but the games make a point of creating ugly humans and pretty monsters. You could let in a monster all because the real resident had bad teeth.  I like the kinds of games because they aren't true horror but create a focus in the player. This nervous feeling of trying to not mess up or you'll get yourself killed. It's more tension based than horror, and it's so.ething I plan to incorporate into my stories.

One of the issues I've come across Lovecraft's pantheon is the similarities in the gods. Take the Greek gods for example, Zeus is often portrayed with a large white beard and is associated with lightning. Poiseidon is usually pictured with a trident and so on and do forth. Despite similarities in powers and  appearance, they share distinct characteristics that seperate them. That's not always the case with Eldritch gods. Which one causes you to go insane? Well, they all do that. Which god can't you to look at? Again, all of them. All these gods xause madness, bring ruin, and are beyond comprehension. There are gods that have assigned roles like Cthulhu being trapped under water, but that domain is shared with Dagon. It might make more sense if one was freshwater or saltwater based. Other gods like Shub-Niggurath usually hold the role of fertility goddess, but none of her stories paint her in that role. In fact, "The Dunwich Horror" is about spawn of Yog-Sothot...

During my breaks I've been playing an early access game called "Critter Cove." It's a neighborvania or "Animal Crossing" clone type of game where you take care of chores around the island and mingle with the natives. One of the neat aspects is the ability to visit other islands, in a tub no less, and find new inhabitants for your island. The latest one I found was a cute little fella named Tulio. He's a greener version of Davy Jones from the "Pirates" series. In order to get bulimia to come home with me i had to dive for his sunken treasure. This is definitely not a horror game, but it's nice to see Lovecraft's influence on areas besides horror.

I'm having a rough day, but a nurse told me she was thankful for how thoughtful I am. I always bring them snacks and pop and how I'm cool in her book. That meant a lot.

I was snowed in yesterday, so between naps I worked on developing my main character. During which, I had an idea about a shared dream that helps my main character connect with his other classmates. It's strange how ideas come into your head while you work. It reminds me that Stephen King has written the same story about a small town being destroyed ("Salem's Lot, The Regulators, Needful Things"). Sometimes you can't let go of an idea until you explore all aspects. Yesterday was a great day for work. Today, not so much, but I'll be back on track in no time. 

After thinking and digesting the movie, I'm led to some new thoughts. I thought of the famous painting "Saturn Devouring his Son." A horrifying picture of the past eating at the future by Fracisco Goya. The pictilure is horrible to look at, by you appreciate the representation and effort that went into it rather than the work. I feel the same about Egger's new film. I appreciate the work that went into making me believe that the movie was set in the Victorian age with a vampire hunting down a married woman. But it wasn't scary like "It," or disturbing like "Skinamarink." It's a good film that's more about horror than scary. Count Orlok, played by Bill Skarsgard is a fantastic monster. He's not a heartthrob not understood by humanity or a menace only when threatened. He brings a plague of rats with him as he heads to collect his woman. Bound by rituals of darkness and wrapped in shadow, he's a hungry monster that causes terror. I...

One of the shortest books written by Stephen King, TGWLTG is about a girl lost in the woods after being tired of her mother and brother's constant bickering. The book's chapters are broken into innings like a baseball game. I'm only into the fourth inning, but something is different about this story. His stand alone short stories usually fail to interest me. Like "Blockade Billy," it's a fine story but lacks the usual edge King brings to his stories. The promise of the reappearing wendigo from "Pet Semetary," drew me in initially. I plan to write my full thoughts once I finish the book.

I got called into work today. It was fine because I wasn't getting anywhere with my writing. I hate when I feel that I'm not making proflgress. Writing needs to be fun, not depressing. Anyway, I came in because someone was sick (sure they were) and one of the chef's walked off the job. He had the same name as me and was quite geeky. I loved talking to him while I made sandwiches. Now that he's gone we'll be short staffed. Once I came in one of the nurses gathered me into a group hug. Another nurse joined in because she was so happy I came in. So, I guess totally wasn't as bad as I thought. I really need to learn to bot answer my phone when the boss needs extra help.