The Blog In Yellow

My anxiety is killing me. I'm not sure why but everything is write today has felt like crap. That voice in my head won't shut up. I even had a lot of time today to write and it all came up poor. Maybe I need more medicine.

Recently, I watched a gameplay breakdown video of the story and gameplay of a game called Harvester. It's infamous as being one of the goriest, and most violent games ever made and done so on purpose. Most games that feature gore are done so with a touch of humor like Mortal Combat. Harvester does the same but has this "cancel me, I dare you" attitude about it that makes it ridiculous. I didn't have enough time to play the game myself but I have plans to play it someday. For now, the video I watched will suffice. Harvest seeks to mock the videogame panic of 1993. Two games, Mortal Kombat and Night Trap were being brought before Congress to serve as examples of too much violence in videogames. As such, Harvester features skulls attatched to spines and live action horror. You play an amnesiac boy waking up unfamiliar with your town or anyone in your house. You have to solve puzzles and talk to residents to find up why you and your "fiance" have anmesia and esc...

I've ways felt that my life felt stunted after high school. No girlfriend, no career, no pets. Just me by myself. I feel lonely.

I watched Christaun Bale ay a psycho rather than Batman. And I empathize with him for some reason. It scares me.

  I found this lovely, horrific game called "Look Outside." It has the player trying to survive three weeks in their apartment while a disaster plays outside. Something...unspeakable has happened outside and anyone who catches it's gaze is transformed. I've always loved Cosmic Horror without the Lovecraftian influence. It's amazing to see what kind of ideas people come up with when you take out the Eldritch horrors that Lovecraft spawned. I still love the Cthulhu mythos but when you step away from the creatures you start to see the true horror that Lovecraft was hinting at underneath his stories. Instead of tentacles and scales, these monsters seem to reflect the horrors the onlookers feared. Such as "toothlings," little monster gums with teeth erupting from odd angles. Or maybe you'll find someone with eyes growing out of their stomachs. Or gigantic beasts that fully envelope the screen. Creatures you have no chance of defeating. The pixel art style...

 I think I figured out Lalisa and her future granddaughter Chanelle. I was thinking about my own ties to the character when I remembered I had regrets in life. Specifically, I regret the Que Sera attitude I had when I was younger.  I went to college on a whim, not understanding that this was my future. I just went where the breeze took me. Now, I realize that I worked hard to get those grades, but I never felt that it was my choice. It was something I had to do in life, might as well enjoy it and learn some writing classes while I was there. Except I got a C on my first writing class and an A on my History class. I was always good at History, so why not? Why not go for a History degree even though I knew I wanted to write. I remember making that decision and even though I don't regret it, I wish I had looked at more writing classes so that I could grow. But the thing about regretting the past is that you don't see the opportunities for the future if you only see the past....

I don't think I'll get an answer and that's ok. Dad told me so.ething by CS Lewis. It went something like, you're not mad, you're hurt. So.ething went off in me like a light bulb. I truly wasn't mad, I was upset. This was something I needed to process spiritually not mentally. That's why I was having problems. I'm better now. 

You might wonder "Why? Why give up your peace?" Because God didn't deliver it on my terms. I went through hell and he shows up when the battle is over? What a failure of a god. Why pray to air?

I looked up posts about people mad at God and took thier advice. I yelled at God, cursed him, and berated him. Then I looked at the Bible. There's even Psalms about God abandoning his people. I bet you Psalty the songbook wouldn't have sung those verses. So I cursed the God thst had abandoned me, swearing to do all I could to hurt him. And here's the thing, I felt better. That hole in my soul? It healed. For a bit. Then I took back my pain. I refuse to let God heal or help me. Now he helps? After my requests did nothing? I have a right to my anger at him and I'm going to keep it. In fact, I became angrier than before. I called him the goddamned God. He can smite me if h3 wants but theres no understanding between us. There's no great plan God has for me. If I get out of Hell it's by myself. There's no one walking with me nor do I want someone. Let's test the "Lord" and see if he can reach me when I pull back. He has to respect my free will. So i...

I can't survive like this. I'm torn inside. I feel like I want to go back to God but I also want to punish him. I felt and still feel abandoned. Like someone who puts on a show of leaving but wants the other to follow. I'm so full of pride, anger, and childishness that I make myself sick sometimes. But I have to have some spiritual footing inside or I'll lose it. It takes a toll on me.

Make no doubt, I am whole but I choose to remain broken. To return to my cocoon would invite the old disaster back to me again. I must not yield.

I've never noticed how much I pray. Almost as soon as something comes up I pray. With my faith shaken and my stubbornness, I've decided to cut God off. I guess this could be something I could use for my story. I suppose I'll find out the answer.

In the gaming world there is a movement towards preserving older games for the next generation. Despite having more ges than I could play in two lifetimes, I always seek out oddities. However, this game remains out of my reach. There are ways to download and play Dark Seed on the internet but I'm not tech savvy enough to figure out how. In these cases, I watch videos of these games and make my own decision after watching a few opinions. Dark Seed is a point and click adventure game about a man haunted by dreams of another world of aliens called the Dark World. As Mike Dawson, you must stop the alien Ancients from crossing into our world. A task that is made difficult after they impregnate your brain with an alien embryo. The rock is ticking both figuratively and literally. One of the first obscure items you can find is a watch which is critical to the game. Any player would hope such a crucial item would be easy to find but this one is stored away in the attack of Mike's house....

Doc says I can take more medicine l, so now I'll be better. There's scar tissue left over in my soul but I'll get better. I don't know about my faith though. At least I can laugh again.

Perhaps a larger dose is needed to make me feel better. I'm in the pit now. I may get better but today I won't. 

I've been taking my medicine every day but I still feel anxious. I'm hoping that I will get back to normal soon whatever that is to me.

I'm angry at God right now.

One of the residents, Dewey, wanted to give me sweets. He wanted to do it for the sweetest person working here. He gave some pretzels. 

I've started writing again. The new medicine is good. There's still a hole in my soul. I feel like some tried to cover up the hole with wooden planks. Its a fix, but the hole still needs to filled.