Low

Sheesh I was low last night. I thought about deleting everything I ever wrote and giving up. I'm not nice to myself but I expect perfection. It's my default setting. I got three pages of my story edited. Editing is not as nice as King puts it. He describes it as "pruning" which I can understand but it doesn't feel that way to me. Maybe when I get better. Will I ever get better? That's a question I still have to answer. This is bringing me down again. I need to talk about something else.

I got a couple of games, Silksong and Hell is Us. Both have soul-like elements to them and both came out the same day, I think. Hell is Us is a game I've been looking forward to since I've seen the trailers. The game has no map so you have to figure out where to go with a compass and some instructions. Some character will say that the next objective is to the north and you'll have to figure out which way is north. It's not a strange concept for souls-like games. The Dark Souls series offer different paths for the player to follow, but Hell is Us seems to deliberately trying to get me lost. There's winding roads and paths that can lead to dead ends or treasure. Plenty of puzzles to use that remind me of The Elder Scrolls series. And I'm not sure when or where I am in this game. Looks like my character is caught between a civil war while trying to find his family. I found plenty of trenches and abandoned military equipment. Yet I'm using swords and axes to fight the enemy rather than bullets. I wouldn't mind a ranged weapon against these hollowed enemies. The enemies I face are these pale humanoids with occasional jelly inside that turns into forms that attack me. Sounds like a meal plan rather than a monster. I'm enjoying the hints the game drops to guide me while at the same time I'm asking the game to make it a little bit harder. A while back I talked about the game within the game. I used Elder Scrolls: Skyrim as an example where the thieves had their own secret code that was never explained to the player. At least not in dialogue or text. It feels similar in Hell is Us where the game isn't going to give me map markers that guide me back to the starting point. I feel similar when I go out for a walk and get lost in my neighborhood. You have to go with your instinct and try to find your way home.

Speaking of hollow enemeies, I played Hollow Knight: Silk Song. It's a sequeal to a game I labeled as "KA" in my game list. "KA" is for "Kick Ass," don't tell my parents I use that phrase, but it's such a profound phrase to use to describe something. The Brits would call it "brilliant." A brilliant phrase for a brilliant concept. I usually wait to see if the game qualifies as "KA" before putting it into the category but I knew I got my money's worth with Silk Song. When it came out, the game caused several store fronts to crash due to how many people were downloading it. Didn't happen to me, I guess because I bought my copy a few hours after it was announced. I don't know if it's because I'm depressed or not in the right mood but I'm not wowwed by Silk Song, at least not yet. It feels like Hollow Knight 2.0 with more bells and whistles. Litterally bells because I fought a boss called something like "The Bell Bug" whom I later use to fast travel between locations. I see a lot of effort went into the background where there is these fallen warriors or pieces of a dead kingdome such as closed gates or broken chains hanging from the ceiling. It's not a bad game, but I've yet to be amazed by the game. But Hollow Knight was the same. It kept it's cards close to its chest and slowly revealed more and more as time went on. One of the aspects I noticed about replaying the first game was the muscle memory left over. I encountered bosses on my second playthrough that were much more easy than my first time. The game carves the mechanics into your body so that each victory feels like you earned it. It's similar in Silk Song, each upgrade feels important and each rosary bead you get, the game's currency, feels valuable. I've only fought two bosses so far and then came to a standstill with a meatier boss who seems intent on preventing me from passing. I guess I need to explore a little more to find another upgrade or buy another health point. Silk Song is definately a different game but I guess I'm underwhelmed right now by my own feelings. I don't feel joy as much, if I ever did. I feel contentment and I guess that's good. Silk Song fills me with contentment and I look forward to playing more. 

As for me, I'm hitting the marathon this week. I've got four days in a row to work which is going to suck. I can't imagine doing this since I've only worked three days in a row. How do normal people handle this? And I've got my short story that I need to edit before the start of October if I want to get it published in time. I'm grateful that my writing friend wants to help me out in this endevour but I wonder if I'm worth her time. I don't want to let people down but I'm not proud of this story. Change is so hard to do when you're editing. Maybe I should ask the AI Claude for help. Maybe it can suggest something to me. It's always easier to write when you have a partner. It works for Stephen King and his wife, maybe it'll work for me. I'm going to take a break after this and read my book while chilling out. I hope this book helps because I told myself if it didn't I was going to delete everything. Maybe I won't make that kind of decision late at night when I'm tired.