Restart

I'm starting again. A lot happened, mostly, I was just too tired to write some more. Work and life gets in the way sometimes and if I only beat myself up then I won't get anywhere. Three big things happened, I started listening to Brandon Sanderson again, I watched a video by Hilary Layne and my mom called and wanted to talk about Shriley Jackson's "We Have Always Lived in the Castle." So let's break this down.

Listening to Sanderson was bittersweet. In his first lecture he talks about one in four to one in a hundred, or maybe it was twenty, people who take his writing class who make it. He talked about being ok with not being famous or being published. I'm not okay with that. I'm banking on writing to get me out of poverty. I live on food stamps and drive a fifteen year old car. I can't live like this forever. I need money and stability. And God isn't going to give me a pot of gold from the sky so I'll have to get it myself. I've listened to more than half of the lecture and while he definately knows more than I do, I don't know if I can write several novels before my career taking off. In reality, I'd prefer to be more like Patrick Rothfuss with his "Name of the Wind." Of course, he hasn't finished that story yet and Sanderson seems to write more...pulpy to me rather than Tolkien. I don't know. I can't decide what to do, guess I'll just write. I think I'll listen more to Sanderson before making a conclusion on what to do. I think I can write novels I just lack some things. I'm too afraid to write because each story becomes a kid I want to take care of. The same happend with my KIY story that I worked on for so long before starting to write the first four chapters. I thought it would be good to write a short story insted. I really, really ,want KIY and RTF to come out but it feels like there's a blockage. Or if there isn't one, it feels like I don't have the skills to make it a good novel. God, what do I do? I'm trapped. The good news is that I'm doing what Sanderson says to do and I'm writing a thousand or so words every day.

On to the second thing that happened, listening to Hilary Layne. I discovered her on Youtube and found her critique on writing to be interesting. Her thought process seems to get a little off track a bit but the video I watched was called "How Modern Writers Can't Write." Hilary focuses in about how the education system's focus on critical thinking rather than phonics has killed many writer's ability to read and write. The example she gives is about the flow of writing, how one sentence connects to another and compares paragraphs from "Now in November," a Pulitzer from 1935 toBooker Prize winner in 2023 called "Prophet Song" and the two books read completely differently. I think Hilary is a bit...snooty in her demand for proper prose, especially considering that I've never seen a book by her before. She comes off like someone who has a lot to say about something but hasn't done the groundwork for it. For my part, I have a lot of opinions when it comes to wrtitng but a lot of that comes from what I like and don't like when it comes to reading. But there's a difference between personal taste and what is good or bad writing. I swear, I can't believe that "Prophet Song" won an award. It doesn't feel like a real book but a series of texts that were strung together without any cohesion. Is that what has become of writing? Do people not see the problem? It's beyond the thought of "maybe it's not for me," kind of writing and dives into the world of babel. Or maybe I'm skewed by Hilary Layne's video essay. I wish she had some advice on how to do better. One of the issues I take up with a lot of "advice" is that the person has a lot to complain about but not a lot of solutions. What am I supposed to do if my writing style isn't dependent on phonics? She even criticizes using AI to help write. I use AI but to develop my characters, not write the story. I know some writers who do use AI to write but I think AI should be like a crutch: you want to use it when you're broken but when you're fixed you don't need it. I feel that way about a lot of technology but nothing beats old fashioned work. 

Finally, my mother called me today to discuss Shirley Jackson's "We Have Always Lived in the Castle." I was surprised she wanted to discuss it because she doesn't care for horror. Psychological horror but still horror. Jackson has never been one of my favorite writers but I know Stephen King credits her as one of the pillars of his "house," refering to the world's he's built. I'm going to reread her "Haunting of Hill House" once I finish my Candid book but I like the psychological impact Castle has. To me, it seems like someone saying "I don't need you or society." I forget the character's names but the younger sister takes care of all the chores while bearing the bad looks she gets from the locals. This hatred stems from their belief that the younger sister poisoned her family which is implied to be true at the end. Why? To protect her older sister. I'll need to reread the story but there's this psychological impact that I can almost reach and understand but seems to slip out of my grasp. For example, I'm wondering why the younger sister burries and puts out talismans made from family wealth on the yard. She burries jars filled with pricey items and even nails a watch to a tree for some reason. It feels like she's trying to ward off ghosts. It's like she's living in her own little world that doesn't need anyone else and this resentment from the neighbors boils over into them attacking the house the sisters live in. As repentence, they offer food to the sisters who now live in a burned out castle. There's something deeper in here, something Jackson is trying to say, I know there is something deeper in here that I want to tap into. Maybe watching a few videos on the story will help. At least, that's what I got from the story. I also see this theme of protection. It's obvious the younger sister wants to protect the older one but this goes wrong when this...cousin I think. He's some kind of relative. He comes over and wants to leech off the family wealth. After the fire he tries to get back into their graces and he has a reporter come in and try to get a photo of the two. Why can't people just leave them alone? It's another theme I don't quite understand why people feel this need to poke and prod at things until they're destroyed. I saw something similar recently. A game developer tried to present her game about illegal immigrants crossing the border. I think the game was called "Take Us North," or something like that. The dev started by announcing her pronouns, which is a surefire way to get the wrong attention, and talked about how the game meant something to her because of how she had family members who were illegals. I know there's a huge debate going on about illegals and I don't know enough to comment but I know that people would rather change the narrative than admit they were wrong. Maybe that's why I put so much pressure on myself. Anyway, the game was lambasted by Youtubers who are trying to bury this game before it comes out. As someone who despises woke ideology I can understand why people dislike this game but what attracted me was how the dev said she related to people who are illegals. I think that we come from different walks of life and have different opinions but to put out woke ideology by announcing your pronouns is guaranteed to get bad mojo from the internet. People feel like they are being lectured and preached to when woke stuff comes out and no one likes that. All the narratives that woke has come out with collapse into this hodgepodge of "I hate you (probably because you are straight and white and don't support me being LGBT.) It's like saying all Muslims are terrorists because of 9/11. A corrupt notion but one that is easy to fall into when you are mad. I'll take a look at the game but I don't want to draw someone's wrath for buying the game. I've got enough to play right now.

I got to admit, it feels good to be writing again. Maybe I would be...kind of ok with not being famous. But I think I'd rather be like Hemingway and have recognition rather than fame.