The Blog In Yellow

In the past week I restarted my efforts to work on the KIY series by reintroducing myself to the themes and stories of Lovecraft. Two games popped up on my radar, Worshippers of Cthulhu and Morimens. Worshippers is the definition of a classic colony game. You're given an island frought with eldritch connections and an abundance of mist and are tasked to lead a group of cultists to build a town befitting of their god. You manage food production, worship ceremonies and mark your cultist's backs with markings like a bloody etch a sketch. I don't know why the game has such poor reviews on Steam. It doesn't do anything particularly bad but it doesn't do anything new either. Take away the haunting atmosphere and the rituals and you'd have a normal colony sim. There's nothing new in terms of expanding the lore of Lovecraft. The game follows the strictest paths towards Eldritch horrors with a lead towards darker aspects. As in similar games you're given tasks to...

Yesterday was interesting. The local snow plower came over and with him was a bulldozer with a scoop on it. One of those smaller ones to scrape up the snow the plow left behind. I should have waited for them because yesterday I parked my car in a clear area. I woke up yesterday to see that it was blocked by piles of snow. I did the most illogical thing I could think of, try to gun it out of there. I started the car and vroomed my way into the pile with my wheels caught on either side. I had hoped that by leaving the car on, the center would melt some of the snow. That didn't happen. Instead, it made it more slush. I needed a shovel so I went to the landlord's place but lo and behold, a small shovel fell off a car as it passed me. It was cut in half so that the crappy plastic shovel was short enough that you had to bend down to dig. Like a gift from God I thought. It wasn't though, more like a joke from the devil. I tried digging myself out and called my folks who also tried...

Yesterday, due to weather and Walgreens being unable to fulfill my medical request, I went off the pill. For the whole day. It wasn't fun I'll tell you that much. The fact is, I feel like I have a purpose when I take those meds. Even if I'm not doing anything but playing games I feel elated. Now, going through the whole day with the pill bottle staring at you is no fun. So my dad decided to take me out to get some pants. I need the kind that are nice enough to lounge in but stronger than your average jammies. Also, they needed pockets. But the trip to Kohl's was a fruitful experience. I got three pairs of pants that are sure to be useful duing the next few days during the cold season. I feel like I'm channeling too much Homestar Runner in my speech today. It doesn't matter, this is good practice. Out of the fifteen or so pairs of pants I tried on, only three made the cut. After that we tried for Walgreens the second time but they didn't know anything about m...

You'd think id be happy with three days off but I've wasted two of them not reading or writing. I told myself id give myself a break but I feel the itch to create something. I just wish my talent was up to the task.

So a lot of stuff happened while I was out of it. SAD can really take the life out of you. Which is strange because today should be the worst day. About three days ago, don't ask me why, but I felt better. I don't know what caused this change in me but the SAD left me as quickly as it entered me. Again, which is strange because today should be the worst day. Today is a snow day and I don't mean just for school. The whole area is shut down because of the snow storm that came in. The plowmen have given up because there isn't enough salt or plows to fix the roads. Right now, its a category three warning which means that if you're out there, the police can arrest you. The last time there was a day like this was when I was working for Panera. I went home with five bags of bread that day, like, full garbage bags of freshly baked bread. It was awesome. Anyway, I told myself that once I got better, I would try writing again. I'll be honest, I was scared a bit. Trying to...

Two things happened, my friend came over and my psychiatrist increased my anti-depressant medication. It's a nice lift after being alone for so long and the drugs should help me out a little more until the weather changes. My friend got into Kingdom Come: Deliverance. I'm really happy I got him into the game. It's a boon for a history buff like me but he's in it for the swords and wenches. My mom also sent me some DBT exercises. The problem were having is finding someone who can meet with me on a weekly basis. Some of these programs want you to move into their building for observation. I can't afford to do that with my job. I'd have hoped that these companies would make arrangements for people like me who can't do therapy that often. It doesn't matter, I can do some of it on my own with the programs I've received. I guess I should say happy new year but I don't feel like it. I'm still recovering mentally from this...issue I'm having. I do...

I broke my streak yesterday. I didn't have a reason, I could have written but I didn't. I had another drop last night, another panic attack. I wrote a lot of dark thoughts last night on my phone. I'm afraid that I'm wasting my time with friendships and things that don't matter. I worry that I don't have enough time to do all the things I want to do. I've got a thousand pics for stories that I want to write and I feel like I'll never get to them all, let alone one of them. That will be my legacy, unfulfilled dreams and unfinished writing projects. Why can't I see that I'm in a good place? I've got a good job, a few friends, my family loves me, and I have a home with all the entertainment I could want. It's what I don't have that concerns me. Like a lover, a job that pays all my bills, and enough encouragement to write what I want. I'm full of fear right now, it doesn't help that the cold stiffles me. I don't know how to rea...