TPA 90 Not a good day

I broke my streak yesterday. I didn't have a reason, I could have written but I didn't. I had another drop last night, another panic attack. I wrote a lot of dark thoughts last night on my phone. I'm afraid that I'm wasting my time with friendships and things that don't matter. I worry that I don't have enough time to do all the things I want to do. I've got a thousand pics for stories that I want to write and I feel like I'll never get to them all, let alone one of them. That will be my legacy, unfulfilled dreams and unfinished writing projects. Why can't I see that I'm in a good place? I've got a good job, a few friends, my family loves me, and I have a home with all the entertainment I could want. It's what I don't have that concerns me. Like a lover, a job that pays all my bills, and enough encouragement to write what I want. I'm full of fear right now, it doesn't help that the cold stiffles me. I don't know how to reach out to other people and sustain that relationship. I've tried many times but so many have fallen through the cracks. Maybe I just don't care, maybe no body does. The moment I'm better, I forget everything else. I feel like I don't need to work on my writing or my friendships. I've got people waiting for me to answer them and my autism refuses to meet me halfway. It's like a weight dragging me into the water.

I have my friend over today, we'll go out to eat after this. Maybe I'll be better once I talk to him. Instead of thinking that I'm wasting my time I should look at it as an opportunity to learn about people. Stephen King says that being a good listener is great for writing dialogue. Maybe I can try to see if things are okay. It doesn't have to be on or off the whole time. I mean, right now, he's asleep while I'm writing. It doesn't seem to do much but it having him around does help.