The Blog In Yellow

It's called that because my dreams are inverted. In this dream, I had the goal of being a dishwasher but I end up working for a TV or Movie set. The director is this strict but understanding woman who reminds me of the Devil wears Prada or something. She's tough on her crew but understanding towards me because she knows I'm autistic. I duck into the set when they start filming a medical horror drama. There's this glowing goo like from the Reanimator films that the head actress is using to fight the doctors. She becomes my girlfriend later. The director hires me to work on set and I take the job. Later, I go out to take out the trash and this guy keeps poking me with a stick. I end up fighting him with tai chi because its the only exercise I get. Later on I return to the trash area to pick up some litter and some people help me out. And of course, because it's a dream, there's zombies in it. But I'm chalking that up to the director making a zombie film. Overa...

Yesterday, I gave my first review of a short story. It was amature and not in a bad way, but in a way that told me that the writer hadn't written a lot yet. I gave my two cents and earned two points. Not enough to get my work posted but enough for a start. I wonder if I can do more. The problem is that I need A LOT of feedback to grow and it seems like this site only has three to five reviews at the most. Maybe I should spread out my search. There's also FIVVER which will connect me with professionals, but I have to pay. You always have to pay. And there's no guarantee that my work will be published. I look at the better works that people have put out and it feels like there is a gap between my location and them. I'll try my best to push forward.  Moving on, today was a bit different. I found out that the biggest problem writers have is to give themselves permission to be bad. At least with the first draft. I'm so glad that it's a common problem but I wish someo...

This is a warm up. I'm going to write this and then work on the first chapter of Cain. I've found a site to post my work. I'm hoping this takes some of the sting out of the inner critic. I'm feeling him today. Right now I'm on the phone with my psychiatrist asking about an open time. Looks like...we've got it all worked out. She's hoping a medicine change will help my mental state. Maybe I should stop writing for a while and see if my mental health gets better.  Before that, there's a few things I wanted to write about. I was thinking about The Shining again and I found a chapter that struck me. I don't know why it struck me but my mind was thinking about areas where Jack was being misogynistic towards Wendy. There's a scene around the middle fo the book where the three of them are snowed in the Overlook. Wendy and Jack have had a bit of an argument after Danny went into room 217, or 237 if you're talking about the movie. The book never tells...

Ive got something important for tomorrow. I need my rest.

I tried something different. I tried listening to God like the Perfected By Blood people, that my mom listens to, suggested. I got a...I dunno, vision, of a dead catepillar. Not a good sign. I told my mom about this and she suggested it was a form of resurrection. Yesterday, I spent the day at my folk's place while my laundry was being done. I went out to eat chips and salsa with them while waiting for the drier. I told watched a few videos of Perfected By Blood and I got a thought about a dried viver bed where my caterpillar laid. Eventually, the river of life came back to the dried area. On a whim, I looked up "dead caterpillar" on my phone and it told me that it's likely that the bug is in the process of changing to a butterfly. I hope that's the case with me. That I'm changing, not dying. That made me feel better for the first time in a while. After lunch with my folks I came home and took a nap. I had plenty to bring in from the car so I was tired. I thin...

Am I feeling better? I have access to new ways of learning the writing process. There's a bunch of free online videos and plenty of books to read. But I haven't been doing much with those resources. Do I really want this or do I think I want this? Writing...writing takes a lot out of me. It's like scraping the bottom of my soul and digging up things I didn't want to see. My folks keep telling me that I'm young and that I have time but I'm almost thirty eight and I haven't published anything yet. Not that I think anything I've written is worthy to be published. So why don't I go back and work on the other stuff? Because I don't want to, that's why. If I'm honest with myself, my work is okay but not great. At least not yet. That inner critic is a coward who keeps my dreams at bay. Speaking of which, I had at least five great dreams last night, stuff that I thought I could use for a book or something. But I forgot all of them. How is it that...

I don't know what happened to me yesterday. The group seems to be warming up to me. One of them even played along with one of my jokes. So why was I so tired. I woke up today, ate breakfast, and went back to sleep, until 1:44. Almost fifteen mintues from my work time. What happened to me? I don't think I should go back to those DnD sessions or at least cut down on them. These long sessions have an effect on my head and my back. I went in thinking we were only going to do two hours but we ended up doing three. Three hours? What did I walk into? I don't know how to tell people that I'm done with them and that I need to be by myself for a few hours. I need to recharge on my lonliness so that I can be social. I'm always hoping that my job will cut into the game nights giving me an excuse to avoid but it rarely happens. I don't understand why I don't like it so much. People make their way in life by knowing someone. At least, that's what I've been told. I...

I curse today. With everything in me I curse today. I got to do everything I wanted to do, I execised for forty five minutes, ate a good and healthy breakfast, played games but I didn't do the one thing I wanted to do today. I wanted to write my Cain story for two hours and I'm so scared of it that I shudder at the thought. I was barely able to make myself do these pages today. What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? It feels like NOTHING is going my way. Maybe I should give up on being a writer and be a gamer instead. I'll be like Jack Torrence and blow this whole sucker sky high. I need a bomb, or a overheating boiler.  Anyway, the stupid home people sent me a message saying that they fixed my window. Then why is it still proped up with my pole? Idiots. Morons. I told them exactly where to find it. Now the heat will get out and I'll end up paying for the AC. Oh, but I did do something right today, I almost, almost, ordered blue earrings for my coworker. It's no...

Im too tired and I wont beat myself up over it

Went shopping today. I talked with my writing friend before I went and it seems that I'm still so far behind the people I want to catch up to. I know I'm not supposed to compare but when your shelves are filled with published novels it's hard to not compare. Maybe I should burn them. I tried listening to King's audio book again and I'm just out of it today. I don't know what's wrong with me. Even after going to the gym and socializing I still feel bad. Maybe it's because I have nothing to do. Is that the reason? I also feel like I'm rushing around a lot. When I only had a few games, I'd play them over and over until I knew them like I know my hand. Today? I have enough games to last me a life time and I'm still bored. Having this huge list of games to play wears down on me. It makes me think of my phone and all the tabs I have on my phone. I tried to exercise my issues by going to the gym but that didn't really help. I'll live a few m...

This will be a quick one. Today was a bad day. I feel like there is a war inside my mind and soul. I don't know why God doesn't reach out to me to quiet the storm but it still rages. Maybe I want it to rage. I woke up with a neck ache on one side from sleeping wrong and had a sinus ache on the other side. Not a fun way to start my day. My coworker told me her doctor informed her that if she wants to live to see sixty, she has to cut down on the drinking. I never took her for a drinker. She told me she was into it since she was twenty. She's slightly disabled which means the bottle has or had a tight grip on her. I know she was called a retard in school, she's not dumb, just a bit different. That bottle will be hard to shake off. She has the beginnings of Liver Disease. I'm worried for her. As for me, my internal war kept me up all night yesterday. I'm hoping to get some sleep tonight. Therapy with my therapist didn't go as well as I hoped. He didn't have...

I'm trying to do a few pages a day again. During my time at work I had a lot of time to think while listening to The Shining. I got a site that plays all the Stephen King audio books...illegally I guess. Listening to that story reminded me why I wanted to write in the first place and the kinds of things I need to get off my chest the next time I see my therapist, which is tomorrow. I hate the blank page. When I have a guide, or a path in front of me, basically an outline, I feel good about writing. When I don't, I feel like crap and so does the writing. I've been trying desperately to write my Cain story and I have an idea of what to do but not how to get there. It's frustrating because I'm trying to catch up. I feel like I've wasted a big chunk of my life playing games and goofing around. But it's my life so I'm allowed to use it as I see fit, I think. I wonder if God can help me catch up. I know, I know, they say that your race is your own and shouldn...

Several good things happened today. I got my car washed and hung out with my dad. He's got some back pain but hopefully he'll get better. I've decided to write three pages every day come hell or high water, again. I hope I can stick to it this time. I'm going to try.

 It's been a while since I wrote. I'm working on finding out why I'm so ashamed of my writing. I think it's because I'm ashamed of the things I enjoy. My folks used to poke fun at the games and anime I liked. Not to be mean but it still affected me. Anyway, a friend came over today and we watched a few good movies. I got pizza and got to show my friend the games I was talking to him about. It was the perfect amount of him because fish and friends stink after three days. 

Am I really halfway there? Is this really helping? I can't live day by day, I have to know what's happening next. A few good things did happen. I listened to Bill Johnson again. Depsite the chip on my shoulder of being told what to do, it was a good lesson. Mom thinks that everyone has that kind of chip. People like to think they're independent. I got some gameplay in. I've been playing Crimson Desert and I can barely play an hour because of the massive size of the game world. It's so over whelming that I don't know if I can properly play it. It's like an overload for me and that rarely happens to me in games. I guess that's a good thing. I mopped all the floors at work today, I think I did a good job. That's another good thing. And I wrote three sentences for my story today. I asked God to give me the courage to write after work. He gave me the courage and the energy.

I went onto a site called "Shut up and Write." I spent an hour writing with few distractions and it felt as good as vomiting. Somehow my creative mind doesn't catch up when I'm writing fiction. I'm meeting my writing friend today so maybe I'll feel better after talking to her. I've noticed something about me, certain things in my home, in my life, don't move. It's like they're stuck. Things like tools I never use or objects I let collect dust. I noticed it when I was cleaning out with my mom today. She insisted on coming over and having me take inventory of everything she pulled out. I count cleaning as a win but knowing that you don't use the things your parents provide for you maked me feel a little guilty.

I'm halfway there. I think the weather and this exercise is starting to take effect on my mind. I've done something that I've never done before, I reached out. I've been trying to get into a reading group like the pro writers and I always shy away from social engagement. That changes today as I'm trying to get into a "Shut up and write" group. I'll write how it goes later. Yesterday was a good day because for once I didn't feel bad about staying home. My mom came over and we worked on the kitchen, getting rid of all the expired food. I took out four trash bags of junk to the trash can that day. Of course, that feeling of accomplishment lifted me throughout the rest of the day. I went on and wrote A LOT yesterday and I got some reading done. I'm still stuck on writing for the sake of fame but that might change if I fall in love with the craft again. I think my problem is that I think too outside the box and then I torture myself thinking that my...