3 Pages Attempt Again 1

I'm trying to do a few pages a day again. During my time at work I had a lot of time to think while listening to The Shining. I got a site that plays all the Stephen King audio books...illegally I guess. Listening to that story reminded me why I wanted to write in the first place and the kinds of things I need to get off my chest the next time I see my therapist, which is tomorrow. I hate the blank page. When I have a guide, or a path in front of me, basically an outline, I feel good about writing. When I don't, I feel like crap and so does the writing. I've been trying desperately to write my Cain story and I have an idea of what to do but not how to get there. It's frustrating because I'm trying to catch up. I feel like I've wasted a big chunk of my life playing games and goofing around. But it's my life so I'm allowed to use it as I see fit, I think. I wonder if God can help me catch up. I know, I know, they say that your race is your own and shouldn't compare it to someone else. But when I see how many stories are being written per day and how far some people have come, I get angry. Not that it helps that I think King's best years are behind him. His son might have some good ideas but I've only read a couple of his stories. Let's air out all my grievances shall we?

The first problem I came across was my own shame. There are things I tried to share with my folks, things like anime and movies that I thought were neat. My folks always poked fun at them in mockery. I know that they weren't mocking me but it still affected me. Though I doubt they'd remember if I brought it up today. I know they love me but it's hard to show something to someone and have it mocked, even if it's not yours. It makes you embarrassed for yourself and the person who made it. I think it's a safe space thing, as much as I hate that word.

Not having a direction or structure scares me. If I had an outline, I'd be more happy. Like large stones you can step on while walking over gravel. You build the posts before your build the bridge. But I don't know how to outline. And having this kind of weakness makes me feel like a plumber without a wrench. What was I thinking going in and trying to fix this mess without the right tools?

I'm a perfectionist. There's this feeling I get when the writing feels good. When I can feel the flow of the words on the page. Writing Cain doesn't feel like that at all. But I need to press forward. King says it's a bad idea to quit the story if it gets too hard. What am I going to do when I get to part in my KIY story that's too hard? Giving up would mean the end of the series and I'd wind up like George RR Martin. I want it to be perfect, or at least workable when it comes out, not this constipated mess that clogs my brain as I'm writing.

I feel life is meaningless if I don't fulfil this fabricated destiny I made for myself. When I was a kid, I thought I'd be a director. That died when I wanted to be a game designer. But without skills to program or artist abilities, I hoped that writing was my ticket in. I told myself I'd use my characters and stories for something someday that people would applaud. I crafted this fake destiny for myself and saw my future as something bright and full of life. I don't see that now. I write in a dark corner of the internet that few people read. Is this my future, to be forgotten? Why do I care so much?

I can't finish anything. I have a hundred books that remain unread and a thousand games I'll never get to. I need time to do all the things I want to do. I'm basically retired anyway with this job so why can't I get myself to get up and go? That said, I don't like to read as much as I used to. I don't know what happened to my brain but it's wired wrong. I can barely stand to read the Annihilation book series that I told myself I'd finish by the end of this month. I know I'm comparing again, but there are writers who read several books a month. How am I supposed to do that?

If I'm being honest, I'm going to die someday anyway. I turn thirty eight soon and I have nothing to show for it. What is the meaning of my life if I can't fulfil it. Makes me so sick I want to jump out of a building.

Going back to my embarrassment, I feel like a fool on stage who's bombing. I'm afraid of what other people will think of my bad writing. I can't stand it and it makes me afraid to even try.

The best I've felt is when I fuel up on King's audiobooks and then write. I got a lot of good stuff while listening today. But is that the only way I can write, by imitating? I feel like a failure. 

I think that's enough for now. I'm just going to berate myself and I want to rest. I'll write more tomorrow. 

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