The Blog In Yellow

Today is the last day of May. I'm one month closer to my birthday and I get the money for my games tomorrow too. So a double positive. I thought up another scene of my Cain story so that's good. My friend who got surgery yesterday was overflowing with news about the Backrooms movie she saw. She was satisfied with it. I just had to take her word for it since I haven't seen it yet. I made my favorite hambuger and noodles and I got Taco Bell. I think today was a good day. 

Today was good. I got to help a coworker who had surgery get to work. I gave her a ride after she got off the bus. I also made her laugh and she said she needed that. No issues at work today, I got to play plenty of games in the morning and get some reading and writing done. Even though I felt depressed afterwards, the AI suggested to me reasons that I was depressed. For some reason, that made me feel better. I think I'm getting better. I think.

If I felt like this every day, I'd never have a bad day in my life. I feel "normal" if that makes sense. I accomplished a lot without pushing myself too hard. I got another chapter done. Got my medicine without any hassel. You don't know how much of a problem it is to get drugs from Walgreens. They make up excuses about not knowing what they're doing and so on. CVS on the other hand, no mess, no fuss, just drugs. I asked myself as I was praising God, how do I do this when I'm feeling down? I guess I'll find out tomorrow. My emotions keep fluxuating and it doesn't help that I'm afraid of the blank page. I feel so far behind Stephen King and the other great writers that I think I'll never catch up. Is that what reality is? Realizing that this is as far as you go? I have dreams to go so far. Farther than I ever imagined and yet, I'm stuck on my autism and fear. What is this chemical imbalance that makes me unable to write? I want to write so m...

I went over to my folk's place today and got ALOT done. I closed my old bank account because they accidentally put my folk's money in my account. We figered this was the last nail in the coffin and decided now was a good time to cut ties with them. After a half hour and three people, we were able to get me off their program. After that, I helped out around the house. I did everything they asked and didn't complain, which I'm counting as a win. I picked up old fencing, trimmed a tree branch, fixed the rocks in the "fish tank" and planted all the plants. Dad was a little sick due to his medicine and I could tell he wasn't happy, but he kept it to himself. I wish he'd complain to me a bit because I want to help him. I want to help out more around the house because both my folks need the help. I'm glad I have them and I love them alot. Today made me realize that which is another win in my book. I asked God and he finally gave me another step to take wi...

I'm combing two days since I can't remember which day started and ended. I was feeling bad for myself and had no way to pull myself out of it. My phone battery's dying so I go to my car and plug in the charger. While moping, I decided to talk to Claude. It tells me how I can breakdown my worries and work on them a little at a time. It helped me get through the day because I made a little bit of progress. It felt good. I asked my mom, why didn't God respond to me the same way. She thinks God gives us these things to help us out. He responds to us not always in an angel floating down to talk to us but in a message. That helped me a bit. Then I went home and won at Balatro. Twice. I've never done that before. It wasn't like the other wins where I had to use the seed to beat the game. These were legitament wins that added new decks and new chips to the system. Today, I hung out with my folks. We went to Kohls and got me some sandals that make me look like I'm a ...

I'm adding yesterday's DnD victory to today's wins. Yesterday we finished our fight in DnD campaign and I struck the final blow. I was down to the last of my health but somehow I rolled a nat 20 on one of my strikes which struck true into the enemy's face. I think I was the only one who did any damage to the boss. We all celebrated and I went home playing David Bowie's "We can be heroes." I even had time to stop by Arby's to get myself some strawberry lemonade. But today, was a work day and I had a good day. Remember that old guy who called me a fatty? I took him to town today. I gave him a good tongue lashing that he obviously didn't like and when he brought out the gay quips I finished him off with the Your Mama jokes. I could see him sputter and fall as I delivered one verbal punch after another. And then, he left defeated and the nurses supported me. They know what an awful man that guy is so I had nothing but backup. Oh, and it rained today. N...

 PC and Console games have stood at opposite sides of each other. PC has boasted it's high graphics and speed while consoles boast about their affordability and quality games. These two games have almost stood as different genres from each other despite being the same category. Ports to each other are seen as a peace offering between the two sides. Both benefit from the sales. But as time has gone on, Console has rapidly caught up to PC in terms of graphics and speed. In fact, their positions have reversed with more PC games becoming lower quality in terms of graphics. It's also become a hassel for Console to port to PC. The PC generation almost died if not for Steam and the flood of indie games. But both sides have wanted a type of eventual unification. A way for the two sides to come together. But Sony's recent declaration has defeated all of that. They've stated that all the Single Player games will stay on their console while multiplayer will come to PC. For me, thi...

Yesterday was so bad that I jotted down my bad thoughts instead of my good ones. Which is actually a good thing because my psychiatrist asked me to do that. The more I write down my thoughts, the more likely she will change my medicine. Today was a pretty decent day. I got to help out my folks and hang out while shopping. I always like it when my folks come over. It feels special somehow. So, shopping and socialization at the same time is like a bonus. Today, I'll be heading over to my friend's place to play DnD which is also a good thing. I think that's it for now.

I had a dream where we were given these vr helmets and we could wander around in this large field exploring a virtual world. It was strange because the large amount help desk people were easily offended. Very woke Id say. I had a good day off and while the day is almost over I got to play games and read my book. So thats two good things. I also found out the problems I've been having that'll help me talk to my therapist. I think thats a good thing too even if its a bit negative. Sometimes telling the doctor where it hurts is a good step in the right direction.

Today WAS a good day. The day started off a little rough despite the nice rain that came today. The aids were so happy to see me that they coined the phrase "We need some John." That made me happy. I also saved the day at work. I brought the extra food we didn't need to the main kitchen and they used it. I always feel good when I "save the day" and don't realize it. And finally there was a treat for the eyes. A cute Asian girl was visiting her grandma and I got to serve all four of them. I don't know how she was her grandma because she was clearly European and the others were Asian. No skin off my nose how they're related. I just thought she was cute. I had to resist the urge to ask her for her number, or to ask her to marry me. And I got a bonus, I won at Balatro again. Such a fun, yet crippling game. I'll write about my joker hand later, right now, I want to get some rest.

Today was not a good day. Despite all that happened I managed to write. Im counting that as a win. Getting myself to sit in front of a blank screen and type is daunting. Maybe this is why theres writers rooms so that people dont have to do it alone. I got some important questions to ask the ai which I'll also count as a win. And I got back into this Hydroneer game. Its been a few years since I played this game. So long that they added achievements which means my previous game is gone. 21+ hours gone. Its not a bad thing. Now I can redive into this game. I just need a good audiobook to listen to while I play.

Today was ok. I didn't get as much as I wanted done but I got to hang with my folks at chic fil a. During that time my mom and I were on hold with the EBT people waiting for them to reinstate my food stamps. During our waiting time we also went to the gym. It wasn't until after I left my folks place that my stamps were restored. I suppose thats a good thing since the $25 will help. I have to be careful with my money. I dont know if today was a good day because I didn't get a lot done. I got to play games and eat pizza so thats good. I need to do more.

Today started off better. I was told that I looked thinner which made me smile. I got to bring food to my folks which always makes me happy. I love helping them out. And I got a jump start on my laundry. That might not sound like much but getting that done early puts my mind at ease. Oh, and I got to watch Gameoververse last night. It's a new show from Glitch that DID NOT disappoint. I really hope they make it into a full season soon. 

 I have to write about this. Today, was not a good day. At least, not until the night. I woke up and ate a bunch of junk food for breakfast even though I knew I shouldn't. That weight in my bowels almost made me sick. I almost didn't go into work because I felt so crappy. But, I played a game called Balatro which caught my attention. I was on a roll and didn't want to leave the game. So I left the game on all day to not interupt my game seed. Game seeds are how a game is set up and I had the perfect one. I had the perfect line up. The game is like playing poker by yourself. The game will give you a set number of chips you need to win by playing poker hands. As a bonus, you can use planet, tarot, spectral, and Joker cards to add bonuses to your game. Planet cards upgrade the number of chips you can get from hands. Tarot cards can add effects to your playing cards. Spectral cards cover a variety of abilities and are very rare. And Joker cards give out bonuses to your cards an...

I'm trying a new strategy where I write three good things that happened the day before. It's supposed to help with my mental health. Yesterday my mother and I celebrated a belated Mother's Day. We used to travel card my sister gave me for my birthday to go to the Motts Military museam for free. It's a small, local museum that's serves double duty. It has a collection of military memorbilia and the recreated home of pilot Eddie Rickenbacker. Despite being a history buff, I knew nothing about the man. The tour guide took care of that by talking my ear off for half an hour about the many adventures and close calls "Lucky Eddie" had in his life. He survived three weeks at sea after his plane crashed in the ocean and survived another plane crash when he was retired. The man was a racecar driver and got into airplanes during WW1. It's interesting because people joke about Ohio having little to nothing of value and yet here's a decorated hero from my home...

Yesterday, I had gone to my psychiatrist for the first time in three months hoping that she would have some new plan or medicine for me. While I have been feeling better, there's room for improvement and I was ready to take on whatever concoction she could think of. Instead, she told me that I should stay on my current meds. That's fine, I'm not in any danger, but I wish there was some wonder pill that could fix my motivation and anxiety. she suggests focusing on therapy which is like saying you need to exercise to get better physical results. That's also fine, but I'm so used to my problems being zapped away with a few pills that I'd rather we explore more options. I can't lie to them and say I'm not doing well because I'm fine. That's it though, I'm fine. Not great, just fine. Room for improvement. 

I was planning on writing more about Lovecraft today but something happened at work that I thought would be prudent to write about. A resident at the home I work at, we'll call him "D" caused a commotion. I walked into a room with drinks for the residents' dinner when D walked in and demanded to know if I had anything to do with what just happened. I had no idea what he was talking about so I played it cool and told him I had been in the kitchen. D went into a rant about how angry he was at someone who he claimed had told D that he was a cop. Let's call this individual "J." Now, I know J very well and he is as mellow as a melon. D claimed that J had lied to him about being a cop. Now, D was a cop in his former life so he took "lying" very personally. D went into a rant about corrupt cops and how he used to be on the force and how he found people who were on the wrong side of the law. It soon occured to me that D had done something bad and he wa...

One of the aspects of Lovecraft's works that I think goes unnoticed by readers is the vulnerability of his characters. This goes under the radar for some because Lovecraft often uses the same archetypes for his humans such as researchers or intellectuals. People he would enjoy in his own circle. But this common trope limits the effectiveness of his characters. Other writers have expanded upon his origin but the fact is that the more human the characters, the more potent the interaction with the supernatural. 

Two days ago I had a bad writting day. The air was cold and I was not having it. But I sat down and wrote anyway, even though I knew that it would be difficult. And I barely got a paragraph out of me. So, I go to work, feeling like the worst writer who ever lived. I do my job, take people's plates, and I mumble prayers under my breath. I tell God that I can't go anywhere if I'm only able to write a paragraph a day, I need more pages under my belt. I'm passing by an older guy and he stops me as I collect his plate. He thanks me for the meal and he tells me that he's been watching me for a few years. Whether that is true or not, I don't know. It could be the ramblings of a man with dementia for all I know. But he says something to me that strikes me, he says "you do a good job, you'll go far." I'll go far? At first, I was ready to dismiss what he was saying. Just a coincidence, no way that it's from God. But all good things come from God. So ...