3 Pages Attempt Again 6

Am I feeling better? I have access to new ways of learning the writing process. There's a bunch of free online videos and plenty of books to read. But I haven't been doing much with those resources. Do I really want this or do I think I want this? Writing...writing takes a lot out of me. It's like scraping the bottom of my soul and digging up things I didn't want to see. My folks keep telling me that I'm young and that I have time but I'm almost thirty eight and I haven't published anything yet. Not that I think anything I've written is worthy to be published. So why don't I go back and work on the other stuff? Because I don't want to, that's why. If I'm honest with myself, my work is okay but not great. At least not yet. That inner critic is a coward who keeps my dreams at bay. Speaking of which, I had at least five great dreams last night, stuff that I thought I could use for a book or something. But I forgot all of them. How is it that something so clear in the heat of the moment can be forgotten once you wake up? 
I haven't heard from God in a long time. I wonder if I can do the same thing as King and Simmons and Ellison. Maybe I don't want to. But there's this drive in me that wants to have acknowledgement for my hard work but the critic is too scared to put stuff out. What a conundrum I'm in. Everything feels dull to me right now. Like my synapses are fried and my brain refuses to admit joy. And I've tried everything except drugs. Exercise, medicine, being social, watching funny things online, more exercise, writing, food, and it just seems like I'm missing something. Like my soul wants to be depressed. Why am I so melancholie? I've even tried God and that never works. Prayer, praise, and Bible studies leave me dull and bored. How do I seek out the Kingdom of Heaven when it's intangible? I see people who are passionate about the stuff in their life. Passionate about sex, God, writing, other people, anything that keeps them loving life. Today? I could give or take it. It's hard to even write this and I know, I know, you gotta speak positive words on yourself. That's bull. I tried that and it failed so many times. And I know, I know, I know, that there will be bad times. But for how long do I have to suffer? I feel like a whiny child that needs a good kick in the rear. I'm depressed and I don't know why. I have nothing to be depressed about. 

Let's try something else. I'm thankful that my parents are alive for another year. I'm grateful for my job which not only lets me buy a lot of games but also gives me time to play them. I'm happy that my sister is still alive. I've got so many games that I could never play them all. That's something right? I'm grateful that I have food for myself and a roof over my head. No, that's just the standard arbitrary stuff. I wish I had a girl that I could make out with. That's what I want right now. Even though I don't want sex, I just want some love in my life. 

I feel like God is ignoring me. maybe I'll spend some time in the spirit and see if that crops up something. Maybe I'll get an answer for my misery.

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