A nightmare at work

I should be happy, I was welcomed back to work with open arms. They practically put me on their shoulders and threw me a parade. I should be happy. So why am I so terrified? What is this panic in my soul? I thought of this song as I was working. It goes "I shall never, ever, ever be shaken." It's a song from my past when I was a little kid. My folks bought a lot of Christian music on cassetts back then when it was the popular format. That song mocks me. It should say "I will always be shaken." How can God be my rock when I'm petrified with fear. And what am I so nervous about? Do I fear that I'll mess up or perhaps I'll be yelled at. I was yelled at yesterday by someone in a bad mood. I wanted her to die but I think I can move on from it. I got home and I was exhausted. My back hurt so my exercises haven't been helping. A full month of exercising my spine and I still hurt even with the medicine. Is something wrong with me? Why do I get depressed after work? I should be happy to be back to work and have a job. I can afford the things I want again and playing games feels better after a long day at work. But I don't understand why I had an emotional drop like that after all that had happened that day. 

I went into work with both anxiety and elation inside of me. I decided to play a prank and hid my left arm into my sleeve. I made a joke that I had lost a few pounds indicating my arm. Some people fell for it, most didn't. That was fine. In reality I was gone for so long to adjust to my medicine. Everyone was so happy to see me again. But I couldn't feel a thing. I felt fear, apprehension. It was like I was numb to all the good emotions and could only feel pain. I got through work fine. I did my tasks and even gave myself a break to calm down. But then came dinner and I felt like I did the first time I ever worked at this job. I felt this rush of panic. It was like the entire days worth of work had hit me at once. I had to get everything done all at once and I was failing at it all. What is wrong with me? Is it possible to work at a job when you feel this way? You feel like you do everything is wrong and that people hate you. It's like everything inside of you is lashing out against you. What a nightmare. 

I don't think I can work with people. What I need is a quiet job where I'm left alone. Maybe if I had studied computers I could have that kind of life but as it is, I'm just qualified to wash dishes.

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