Attempt again

 I'll have to go back to work soon. I'm flip flopping between being happy and upset. I like work but I also enjoy the time I have to fool around. I just wish I was mentally healthy enough to enjoy it. It's been a long vacation but it's almost over. This means I'll also have to give up more time to pay for my expenses again. I don't want to work like a dog anymore. But I have no choice. I hope the medicine fixes me by then, I want to be better. These past four months, my birthday, the meeting with other writers, have been hellish. I want to be better. Please let me be better. 

I've got this new mantra I've been using that's been helping me out. It helps when the medicine kicks in. I tell myself "I'm not Stephen King." It helps. Especially when I get down on myself for not writing or reading for the day. By afirming to myself my identity, or what I'm not, I can let my hair down a bit. There's no reason for me to torture myself by comparing my works to other people's. When the time comes I'll have my work finished and I'll be able to live off of the money I make instead of busting my butt washing dishes. At least, that's the plan. The matra has helped, for now, but I still need to make progress. Can I make this kind of progress once I go back to work? If I was working right now, I'd have an hour before I had to go in. That sucks. I want to read more and play more. But it's like having icecream all day for three meals, you get sick of it after a while. I treasure my quiet moments but I love to play games and read as well. I just zone out for a long time and let my brain catch up with what I've been doing. There's got to be a better way to make that go faster. Maybe I'll figure it out someday. 

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