Library part 1

 I'm calling this "part 1" because I don't know if there will be a part 2. I'm at my second favorite library to do some work. I couldn't ask for a better time. Right now it is 3:00 pm and I need thirty minutes to write. I'm trying to get some work done without interruption or slacking off at home. It's so easy to see things that need to be done when you're at home. When I'm here, I'm surrounded by intellectuals and books. And children playing roblox. I swear this place is turning into an arcade. Maybe that's what keeps the lights on. I've been to this library before back when I was in high school studying for the SATs and doing math homework for a high school class. It's not like my work on KIY is going any better. If anything, I'm getting worse by the day. So I'm trying this technique in "The way of the artist" where you write for thirty minutes knowing that no one will read it. It's a warm up exercise but some days it feels like thirty minutes is all I can write. It's easier on my cellphone because it takes more time to find each key.

Being here isn't so bad, it makes me jealous of the books here because mine isn't on the shelves. I think my expectations were too high, I thought I could write the next Harry Potter but I'm struggling to write anything. That's the problem with me is that I'm in this "all or nothing" kind of mindset. So now I've got to sit down and write for the next twenty-four minutes. What do I write about?

Well, ever since my temporary leave from my job I've had more peace of mind. I'm feeling both better and worse at the same time. The medicine seems to slowly be ebbing away as it dissolves in me. Every day I worry that I’ll get worse somehow or that I’ll revert back to my old depression ways in that pit of despair. I don’t want to go back there but I don’t know what to write about. If I want this to work, I need to come here more often just to write. I need to remake the habit. That means less time on games and more time in books. Which is hard right now because I’m revisiting some old games that I played on the Playstation 2 as a kid. Jak 2 is one of the games that made me want to be a game developer. I used to love Naughty Dog’s game designs in the platform genre. But they’ve moved on and are the same “Naughty Dog” in name only. Like the ship of Theseus, if you replace all the parts, you don’t get the same ship.

Back to the library, this place isn’t as good as my favorite library. There is a bunch of kids playing games rather than reading which isn’t too far from what I used to do when I was a kid. I used to play those edutainment games that taught your math through puzzles and games. But at least I was learning something more than how to shoot zombies. I shouldn’t be so hard, they’re just kids. I’m just lamenting my own waste of time playing video games rather than reading. Maybe I should give myself a break too. I read a lot of books when I was a kid, I plan to read after this next fifteen minutes to give myself a break. This library doesn’t have enough outlets for laptops and cellphones. I had to make my own set up here in the corner next to an outlet. This is hard, I want to transform my home into my writing place but there’s too many games and distractions. Why do I have to drive less than five minutes out here to do my work? I think it’s because I’m taking the actions to become a writer.

That’s another thing I’ve noticed, I’m bad at showing. While writing my novel I saw how terrible I was, no, I am, at showing my character’s mood. How does a writer show how angry a person is without a picture? Words are hard. It’s like being a blacksmith but you’re too weak to hit the anvil. I’m in my late thirties and I don’t know if I can make it to the same level as other authors. I don’t want to wait for something to plop into my lap.

That’s yet another thing, how do these writers do this? I don’t know if I can become great enough to rival Stephen King or Harlan Ellison or so on but I want to try. Is this what “trying” feels like? Counting down the next eight minutes before my thirty-minute exercise is done? I’m almost done with this. I don’t think I can write like Stephen King does. When I was trying to write my KIY story, I felt like there was a gap between by brain and my fingers. I knew how I wanted a sentence to go but I didn’t know how to do it. Like someone who wants to build a house in a certain spot but doesn’t know how. I can’t just hire someone to write for me, can I? Someone to read my mind? It doesn’t matter, whatever I come up with will be different on paper than it is in my head. I remember a pastor talking about how you get a taste of your purpose here on earth before you go to heaven. If that’s true than my purpose has been lying around doing nothing. I like doing nothing. I’ve got five more minutes to go and I’m almost at a thousand words so I guess I’m proud of that. What happened to my brain that I can’t seem to write anymore? I need brain food like Stephen King audiobooks. I’m almost done with his work “The Shining” so maybe I should finish that first. I don’t finish a lot of things and there’s so much I want to do. Do I have to give up gaming to be able to write? I suppose that’s something I’ll have to look into. That said, do I really want this? I have this goal where I have a bunch of stories lined up and someone asks to work on one. I tell him to pick one off the board. It’s similar to something that Stan Lee had where he had all his comics lined up on a shelf in his office and when a new guy came in, he’d let them pick which ones to work on. I’ve got so much I want to write but not enough time. Is this what that one author felt when he beat death with each story he published? How many stories did he have in his head? I think it was Ray Bradbury. Well, my thirty minutes is up. I’ll try writing after I’ve taken a little break.