Several Things

I went to bed after work thinking that I'd be awake to write. I woke up at 2am. So, not a good idea to write so early in the morning when I haven't had enough sleep. Several things I wanted to talk about.

First, I'm getting bored with breaking down "Gleipnir." Now that I think about it, this chapter, chapter thirteen, that I grew bored with the series even though it was in the middle of a fight. Maybe I just wasn't interested in the characters any more because no one else has deep roots like the protagonists. What am I expecting, Song of Fire and Ice for each story? I expect too much, or maybe it's the ADHD in the Autism in me. I want to try to finish the series so I'll do my best. Maybe I'll try breaking down "Something is Killing the Children," to mix it up.

Moving on, my therapist told me to make a "map" of myself or a DND sheet of things I like about myself. I told him that I have low self-esteem and he suggested this technique to help me overcome my self-hatred. I know I don't like my body. I'm not looking to be a stud but I have back pain because of my weight. And I don't like how my brain works because it makes it hard to put together a story. I know I'm doing the opposite but I just wanted to get that out of the way and see where I can go from here.

Ok, things that I like about myself.

I like how doggedly tenatious I am about writing or doing things that I like. I should give up on some of these things, in fact, part of me thinks I should give up on wriring. It's not like anyone is reading this and even if they were I don't know if it makes me a better writer. So what am I to do to improve? Sorry, got off track. I was thinking about posting this to Royal Road and see if I could get some help. I'll talk about that later. I should give up but I don't think it's stubborness that keeps me going it's the lack of a plan B. I just power through things. Man, this is making feel a little bad. Like I'm stupid or something.

What else? I see the world in a default of Black and White but I actively seek out the Grey. Gray feels like poison to me. My instinct is to categorize into good or bad sections without a thought. It's hard to stop and tell myself that I need to look at things differently. But I still try to. 

I'm also told that I'm "sweet." I'm not sure what that means but I do try to think about others and be nice to them. At work I try to get the supplies the nurses' need for dinner. I also reflect on things. I try to see if I was wrong in a situation or confrontation. It's a problem because sometimes I think I'm at fault when I'm not and I focus too much on how I could change vs how someone else might have to change instead. Like when I had a coworker who would always complain, probably because she was so neurotic. She quit eventually, couldn't handle the stress so that's one up for me. I've been at this job for years but I let her take the lead because I didn't want to step on anyone's toes. I need to learn when it's ok to step on toes. Or learn how to get buy without saying "sorry" all the time. This trip down memory lane is brining up some bad thoughts. I need to move on. The past belong to God while the present and future are mine. 

I've been thinking about my job and how I feel like a key that's holding a lock together. Once I'm removed, everything falls apart. At work I'm an important part of taking care of dinner but when I'm not there, things don't get done. Tables are left dirty, items are left unwashed, trash fills up the bins, you get the picture. Why can't someone else do it when I'm not there? It makes me worried that I work at a place where there is no plan B for my absence. Is this how it is with other companies? They don't have extra hands that can step in and do a job here and there? I've seen supervisors work in the kitchen when they should be at their desks but that's an extreme example. It's as if no one has time for the details and only wants to get the broad strokes in. So when I'm not there, the job doesn't get done. What will they do when I quit, or, God forbid, retire form this job? Am I expected to work this job for the rest of my life? I don't hate it but I want to do more fun stuff like writing for a company but these days they want AI to do the job to save money. I guess that's a blessing since I don't have to do menial work. 

Another occurence I've noticed while on Youtube is that people like to be angry. This connects to my earlier paragraph about looking for the Grey because my therapist noticed it. "Look at you," he said, "Mr. Black and White trying to find the middle." It seems that people are addictied to this feeling of being right, especially against the woke mob. It's intoxicating shouting from the mountain how "right" you are or were all along. I think this is why Trump is so popular, no one wants a leader who thinks white people are bad. That seems to be the narrative that the woke side seems to eminate. The same can be said for feminists. "Man bad, woman good." I think these youtubers think that they're experieces and struggles are being marginalized because they are white and have "privlege." It's a umbrella term for saying that you have a better life than others but is weaponized by woke to lash out against people they think are "evil." It's complicated. I'm thinking about how Trump is sending ICE to round up migrants. There's definately a problem with illegal immigrants that the Left doesn't want to address since it will hurt their voter base. But there has to be a middle ground between letting everyone in and closing the boarders. People villainize anyone who says immigration is a problem. There's lots of history in the US about thoughts on immigration. One of my favorite presidents, Garfield, shared the same ideas with his opponent on the Chinese that were flooding the US in the 1800s. There's this politcal cartoon of Garfield and the other canidate nailing a snake-tongued Chinese man between a fence, showing how both sides felt that immigrants were an issue. I'm somewhere in the middle when it comes to today's standards on illegals. I think that's it for now, I'll write more later.