TPA 21

I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for a while lately. I crash and I burn for a long time. I'm still mad at my dad for berating me about my money issues. I'm more mad at myself because I should do better. But I don't. I don't get better I get worse. Take my exercises for example. I don't think they are working, I don't think anything is working. I think that God has abandoned me like he has so many times. And it doesn't help that I pray or that I listen to pastors or whatever but nothing seems to work out for me. I don't want to talk to anyone today, especially spiritually. I also got a notice from food stamps that I'm no longer on the program. That's a nice touch to what's been going on with me this week. I get yelled at or scolded or what have you and I can't focus on what I want to do, read and write. Who am I kidding? I'd rather be playing games and reading comics than doing anything else. Can someone tell me why I have to go through trauma every time that I need something? I need food and I have to go through a mine field, I need medicine, I need to call in an override or wait until someone competent can get me my meds. It's all such Hell that I don't see what I get out of this. Whatever happend to god being my rock? And now my back is hurting so bad that I need medicine to fix it. I think I'm going to quit writing today and see if there's anyone online who wants to play. 

My dad called earlier today. He asked if I was ok. Do I sound ok? I wish he would just leave me alone. I want to blame him for how I feel. I don't want to play anything, or read something or buy something. I just want to be left alone. Even this journal is getting worse. I tried sleeping in but it just made me more angry. And I'm so intune to my flesh that I hate god. I heard from Bill Johnson that our flesh is at war with god. It feels like it. Ugh, this is the maximum of what I feel daily. I can't focus, my head is in a rush, and I just, I just want validation from somebody for my hard work. I put effort into these pages and I get nothing. Maybe I don't want anything. I've never been so depressed like this before that I'm considering suicide. What's the point anyway? Why live if life is this miserable? Instead of "peace from god" I have a tornado in my head. You know what god? If you want to help, you have my permission. Otherwise, stay out of my life. I don't know how to feel right now. I don't even have enough will to read. I want so much yet have so little effort in me. There's something wrong with my body. Something wrong with my head. I just want to be left alone. Maybe I should take off work tomorrow. Hell and High water really hit me today. I'm so angry and twisted and I can do nothing with it.

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