TPA 50 Giving Up

I'm thinking of quiting this journal. This isn't helping me. It's like what Brandon Sanderson says about writing something like this: "it's good for you" but what he doesn't say is that it won't lead to success and the validation I want. It's like a person who plays basketball for exercise. It's great for you, but it won't lead you to playing for the NBA. I asked my therapist if we could meet today and he scheduled me in. Talking to him always helps but thinking about it afterwords made it feel worse. I told him I realized that I was traumatized. Not with the capital T like getting abused or molested, but with the small t. My days in school and college and life has torn me down worse than I ever thought. I matured slower, learned slower, and I was always behind. I always looked at my school days with rose-tinted glasses, but now, I recall that there were plenty of bad times too. Many bad times. I was so alone I ate alone at lunch. I usually played by myself on the playground and never joined any clubs. I was tormented by my fellow students who just did not or could not understand me. I think the only thing I enjoyed about school was the structure. I've stopped having those dreams about getting the emails from my classmates. I don't recall my dreams anymore. Sure, I had some neat ideas but will I ever make it big like Stephen King or Harlan Ellison? Probably not. Is it my words that are condeming me? I feel like I'm speaking reality, not hope. I heard from my Joel box that you reap what you speak. I speak defeat. What should I say? I will live out my days valedated as a great writer? Do I prophecy health and mental wellness? Do I say that I will become a great person, have a wonderful wife? Bill Johnson says you have to go after what you want, what you need will be provided to you. My words trip me but I've been told that I've been wrong for so long that I say it myself. I told my folks that I can't accept their love because I don't think I deserve it. How sad is that? I want to cry, but I have to go to work soon. I don't want to think about this kind of stuff anymore. I'm trying to listen to the Psalms, but I don't see how that helps. Is what I'm writing prophesying over me? Is my complaints the things that are destroying me? Why won't God reach out to me? If God is a shield for me, why do the darts still hit me? I'm tired, I can't say anything good about myself but I'll give it a shot.

I will make this work. I will learn this writing skill. I will be successful, I will have valedation. And I will make a wonderful, powerful, fantastic living while writing. Not by having a job my folks want for me. I will meet someone wonderful and we will build a wonderful life together. I will not have fear or worry or anxiety and I will be able to do the things I want everyday. I will work for many hours and produce many pages of work every day. Let's see if that fruit comes up.

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