TPA 51

I'm trying again. Today I'm focused on reading rather than writing. But I haven't done that yet. I have no motivation. I can barely write this. I'm going to try, emphasis on TRY to get something done today. 

Remember the test I took a few days ago? I did it again with my folks. It's gave me different results because I tend to answer in ways I want things to go and not as they are. This lack of drugs is killing me. I'll be a wreck by the time I'm retired. Anyway, my results. This time I didn't put any 3s or middle answers.

My top scores were spirituality, kindness, love of learning, humor and love. I don't know what that means but I guess I'm a nice person. Mid rank was gratitude, fairness, curiosity, appreciation of beauty, creativity, forgiveness, humility, bravery, social intelligence, prudence, teamwork, judegment, zest, honesty, and perspective. At the end is perseverance, hope, leadership and self-regulation. That last part makes sense.  I wonder how Elon Musk handles all this motivation? Or even gets it. Meanwhile, I'm struggling to write this paragraph. I need my meds. I don't like feeling like I don't have motivation. Or a purpose. 

I talked with my therapist the other day and that made my day a lot worse. Usually I feel better talking to him but that day, I just wasn't feeling it. He asked me what I'm afraid of when the mask comes off. I don't know what that means. I thought about giving up some things in my life. Things that keep me from God. The problem is that you're afraid to do it because it's all you have. I've heard pastors talk about sin like it's a prison. They don't realize that the prison is the only thing you know and it's hard to give it all up. 

I talked with my folks the other day. They often tell me that I'm better off than many people on the spectrum. They don't get it. Saying that is like saying I'm a consolation prize. I don't want to be surviving, I want to be thriving. Some days I only feel like I'm surviving.

The creators of Vox Machina have this show called the Mighty Nein that's coming out in three days. It'll be interesting to watch since Vox Machina has gotten a little stale because I'm watching it over and over again. One of the voice actors reminds me of a podcast from the Stinky Dragon podcast. I wonder if they're the same actress. 

I think I'm done for the day. I'm going to play games and read a bit. 

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