TPA 60 Monster one

I'm not going to do much right now. I didn't watch the video because it's over three hours long. I need some time to watch it. And I'll be listening to most of it while I'm working so there's that issue. I was talking with my therapist and I noted that it has become easier to be easy on myself. All those "Doh!" moments have been handed over to God with an accompaning apology. I do act like a fool sometimes but it's good to know that I can move on from those things. Maybe I'm just in a good mood because of my medicine. I don't even feel the need to take a nap.

I almost forgot what I was going to write about. The Artist's way book moentioned that I should imagine the person who gave me bad advice or a bad review. I'm also to write a letter to myself, which will be an email, encouraging me and telling off that other person. The problem is that there isn't anyone who gave me too bad of advice. I got a bad review once and the first writing class I took was with a small woman who was kind but didn't understand autism. Maybe that's the enemy I'm looking for. I had a teacher who berated me for not paying attention to the other student's presentation. I messed up there, but I've already handed that over to God. Let's forcus on these monsters one at a time. The question is, do I even want to look for them?

The monsters. My first writing teacher, the guy who gave me a bad review, the mean teacher, and myself. Let's start with the teacher.

The problem with her, is that she wasn't that bad of a teacher. I kept on missing the assignments and got a C instead of an A or B in the class. She was a short lady, everyone is short to me. But I think she might have been Asian with glasses. That seems right but I might be wrong. She's the one that gave me the C in class. Now this is partly my fault for not understanding the assingments. Sometimes I have reading comprehension issues because I don't slow down and take my time. It's easier if someone explains it to my face than having it read. I can remember the room. It was small, barely enough room for for fifteen students. My first college experience was at a satellite campus which means most of the teachers gave lectures over video like with skype or something. I was nervous because I was afraid of making a fool of myself. I didn't always listen to the lectures and sometimes I'd ask questions and this one teacher, not the writing teacher, would have this "duh" attitude toward me. I couldn't always concentrate. And I wasn't into college for me but for my folks. I was just going with the flow and was too scared to take control of my own life. Being in a room full of strangers is scary. You don't make friends like you did in high school. You only see these people a few times and then they're gone for good. Out of your life. In school there was this forced connection that I didn't have to facilitate. I could weave in and out of people's lives without a care in the world. But now, I didn't have those people anymore. Now I was alone. Stephen King says there's nothing scarier than being alone. If I were to monsterify her, I would say she's this small troll that sits on my shoulder. She's an amalgomation of all my bad teachers. She sighs when I do something wrong or ask a dumb question like I wasnt' paying attention, or maybe I was paying attention to the wrong things. I came up with a solution to that later where I would highlight both the important things and the parts that were interesting to me. That teacher would get angry with me for no reason and I would have these nightmares about tests that I knew nothing about. I wasn't prepared enough or didn't know the subject well enough to take a test. I developed a tick in my right eye reminding me of my stress. I think that's all for now, I'll write more later.

So what is this monster? For some reason I'm thinking of a mole monster with claws, teeth, and beady little eyes. A monster that's a mix of myself and woman who gave me a bad grade that set my college life into motion. Looking back, I didn't go to school to learn but to grow up. 

Tomorrow is my last day of work and I'll get a bonus for working on Thanksgiving. Then I'll have a day off to work with my writing coach. I hope I'm up to it. And I've got the other monster to write about. So there's plenty to do for this blog.