TPA 67 Pain and Imaginary Lives

Not a good start to the day. I got yelled at and I found out my new therapist isn't going to help me anymore. It's amazing how some words can work things around. So my folks called my DBT therapist and said she made a lot of excuses about working with me. That's not entirely true. I tried my best to maintain the peace but what was said must have been miscommunicated. She said that I said that I didn't want to talk to her until she had spoken to my parents, which was true. I thought it would be good if she got to know me better from my folks because when I'm put on the spot it's hard to describe or explain myself. But that moment never came so my parents and her never met. Instead I kept on receiving notifications that we were supposed to meet in my email and I reported these to my folks who thought that she was missing our appointments. She also said that I wanted to work on making friends with her help which I thought was part of the training. It's like going to a cancer doctor and telling them you want to lose weight. I was there for therapy on stress and anxiety, not to learn how to make friends but somehow I steered the conversation there not realizing what I was doing. I'm such an idiot. How can I be this incompetent? I wasted a meeting with someone who could help me and my parents are blaming her! And then I talked to my dad about it and he was in a bad mood so that didn't help. Then we got to me buying games and I went over again so he throttled me about that. Sheesh, what a bad start to a day. I don't know if I should go into work if I'm feeling like this. I have a different plan for buying stuff today so I'll do a little better but...no, there is no buts. I failed again and I'll have to do better if I want to buy something I really want. Going to have to buckle down even more so my folks won't rage at me again. 

So now I'm mad and I don't want to talk to my folks today. Or any day after this. I tried hard to save money and I got blasted for it. I'm tired of everything. I just want to go to work and get some stuff done so that I don't feel so bad about life. Maybe some gaming would help out once I'm done with therapy but after that, who knows. All my efforts have been washed away and it became nothing. What was the point of the struggle if only to let it fall off into the end? What was the point of anything?

Doing a little better now, therapy helps. I now know that it's not all my fault even if I do share some of the blame. 

Let's get this last part over, I don't want to think too hard. Parents are a pain in the butt and I spent the day at work seething at them.

1. I first wanted to be a movie director but that dream died when I realized I didn't like being behind a camera

2. I think I wanted to be a cartoonist next but I am bad at drawing.

3. I then wanted to be a scientist which makes sense given my logical mind but I'm not sure why that one fell apart, it doesnt' matter now.

4. I think I had ideas I could become a basketball star but like most things in life I didn't practice them and I fell out of shape. The only reason I would play basketball is to get some exercise in.

5. I can't think of another dream that died so I guess that's it for this exercise. I'm going to go play some games until it's bed time.

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