TPA 80

I'm only doing a little better. I think the weather is getting to me. The cold darkness eats away at me but I'm still trying to get through. If I wait for inspiration, it will never come. I've posted on Royal Road but that was mainly to vent. I don't think I'm ready to write KIY yet. I'm trying to work on my Cain story but it's hard in this weather. I'm just so down that I don't feel like I can get back up. The last time I felt this way was when I went to the writer's convention in another town. I felt different there, so different that it affects me in a way I don't understand. A gloom held over me in that small, quirky town. It was nice to see another part of Ohio. But something went off in me when I was there. Something that required more medicine to heal. And I've been on stronger drugs ever since but I still feel that haunting gloom. 

So, to combat this I've been discussing ideas to help me get through the gloom besides taking more medicine. One which took my interest the most is body doubling. It's a technique where you do your work with someone next to you. Being in a working enviroment helps the brain focus on what you need to do. I like to see it as someone looking over your shoulder while working that helps you to motivate yourself. It's the same principal when going to workout with someone that helps you get up and go. There are services that stream meetings that can help with that aspect. My therapist introduced me to one called Dubbii, a streaming service that helps with body doubling over the phone. There's also a site called "Study with me" on Youtube which isn't live but can help someone get over the hump. All I need to do now is break down a list of things to do for my writing schedule like I do when my aid comes over and look it over when I need the next step. In time, I could probably train my brain to do this automatically. It makes me think what Stephen King or Harlan Ellison's writing schedule was like. They couldn't have just written by themselves, they had to have help somehow. My therapist also compared me to something called a "Flexible Cup." He says he keeps this cup in his work area that's made of a foam material. It still serves it's purpose as a cup, but isn't as rigid as a regular cup. It serves as a reminder to him and others on how the spectrum mind works. He also suggested timers to break down tasks that seem to big. I remember a writer talking about writing like eating a whale, you have to do it one bite at time. You can't swallow the whole beast in one go. Another technique is to do the smallest task to get the high from doing it and get your brain going. The problem is that I'm already in a spiral once I try to do a small task. It's hard to leave a job undone but I think if I do small things like clean only the toilet instead of the whole bathroom, I can break down tasks enough to help myself. He described what I was feeling as "de leveling" or losing levels. Its' true, sometimes I feel like I'm losing ground. 

Sometimes I'm afraid to move forward once I find solid ground because I don't want to lose what I've found.