Talk with self

So, what do you want?

Perfection. Other than that I'm not sure.

I don't think I can give you that. I want you to tell me everything you want.

You're not good enough to be Stephen King. If this was King, the writing would have flowed like water. If you were Harlan Ellison, your story would have been imaginative and heartbreaking. If you were Brandon Sanderson, you would have written it already.

I can't write at their level yet and I won't unless you let me practice.

What good is practice? We don't get better. I saw your Cain story, it wasn't perfect, therefore it was unworthy of being worked on.

It's unfinished, not crap.

Don't quote things to me. 

What are you afraid of?

Everything. Anxiety, judgement, embarrassment, nothing we work on comes out right, we don't know how to write.

That's true, I do feel anxiety when I write. I wish I didn't. And yes, I'm afraid of embarrassing myself. I've made a fool of myself before. And I'll probably do it again someday. I can't help that. Nothing comes out right at first, I have to be willing to go back and fix my work. And I do know something about writing I'm just not there yet. 

All the stuff we read is amateur stuff. We need to know the deep stuff.

How can I know the deeper stuff when I can't get the surface stuff out? I need to start somewhere. Even King had his times of failures. He made so many of them that he got a spike from a railway and nailed all of them to the wall. And you've seen the reviews of Eyes of the Dragon. People hated that story.

It's just that we aren't good enough. We had a plan to write our way out of poverty so we could help others. Max needs our help, our sister and folks need our help.

No one is expecting money or help from me. 

But we want to.

I know, we want to succeed and prove our worth. We want to be successful and have lots of people praise us.

God isn't enough. We hear how God loves and supports us but does he really when we can't hear him?

I don't know how to answer that. I wish God would speak to me like a voice. But I need you as a partner, not an adversary.

I can't help it. Your work isn't good enough.

This is getting us nowhere.

That's how I feel when we write. It feels as though we've stopped. Like were constipated and trying to push something out but nothing will come.

I know that feeling with the Cain story. We don't have to write it in order though. 

Yes we do, it needs to be perfect.

What we need is to do this for us. I don't want to be forty and regretting not at least trying to write somehting. Reynard is waiting for us. So is Nicholas. They have stories we can tell.

I just don't think it's good enough. I don't think we are good enough.

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