My competitive self

I've been asked by my therapist to look inside myself and ask what is causing that competitive side of me to come out. I've been of the mindset that if I didn't win, I lost. I think I compared it to someone who runs the Boston Marathon. There are those that run for the exercise, the ones that try to beat their own record and the people who try to win the race. I've seen the Boston Marathon on TV before and they rarely focus on the winner, rather the TV crews show the groups of people passing the line. I've never done a lot of research on the marathon but I know that it's a gauntlet to get through. But, when I think about the people who've won awards like King and Ellison, I feel like there is a game to win. Case in point, I'm watching a video about a competitive video game: Tokon Fighting Souls. Just like the marathon, there are three groups of people who play, and I can't help but feel like I'm in a race to the top. My therapist has advised me to remember that the race to the top doesn't always work out. You don't realize what you give up to win. I can understand that part. I think that people push themselves too hard to get as high as they can go. He also told me that rank can measure performance but not if I matter or not. I don't know about that. Surely the people who win feel better than the losers, right? It has to feel better, at least better than losing.

So why am I so competitive? I think it's due to two reasons. First, I feel like I might lose my identity. I've always hoped that I could have massive valedictation from a lot of people for my work. I don't know if that's the ultimate goal but it feels like my autism is pushing me towards this need. A need for, not fame, but proof that I'm not the mess up they thought I was. Maybe it comes from that Bible verse. John 9 talks about a man who was born blind but was healed to show the glory of God. I'm paraphrasing the chapter but I've always felt that this was a verse meant for me. So where do I get the idea that it's my glory? Maybe I want to show off a bit, rub it in their faces that I'm not a victim but the victor. Lots of important people had problems that affected their way of thinking. So why can't I get a taste of that? Am I too selfish? There's this feeling in me that I want my work to matter. To outlast me long after I'm gone the way Tolkein's work lasts. And I have barely read LOTR so I may not know what I'm talking about.

Besides my identity, I feel like if I don't aim for number one, I'll lose out. I'm an on/off type of person, both in mentality and emotionally. My thinking is that either I did something wrong, or I did something right, nothing else matters. Or at least, that's my initial thinking. I have to stop and tell myself that there's room for the gray and grey. But my instinct is to think of things in black and white, it's something I can't help. It's easy for me to slip into this "I don't care" attitude when it's all or nothing. Sometimes that's a relief because thinking that it matters the most can wear you out. I'm turning thirty eight soon. Have I grown? Have I changed?  Will I bemoan the idea that my work will likely be forgotten in a few years, or even months time? Maybe I just want the atteniton. But I'm so on or off that I feel like I can't put a half effort into something. I need to put a big chunk, or even all of myself into it to make it work. I don't want to waste time and I want this stuff to matter to me because at times it feels like it doesn't. I feel like some days I can shrug off the artist's burden and play games instead.

Speaking of something different, I feel afraid today. Don't get me wrong, I feel good, like I could write. But I'm afraid that I'll mess it up. I'm still getting used to writing bad the first time. I went back to my Cain story and buffed it up a bit and I was okay with it. I didn't suck as bad as the first time which made me feel better. Maybe I can write a bit when I get back for work but let's be fair, that's just an excuse. I'll probably crash out and play games and watch movies. Am I okay with that?

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