Three Pages Attempt Again 8

It's only Twelve and the day has been full of events. I went to my dentist to get a tooth put in. After half a year of having a gap in my smile, the implant feels alien. Like there's a wad of something foreign in my mouth. It doesn't feel like the opposite premolar. Like someone shoved a ceramic weight into my gums. It doesn't hurt but it will take some time to get used to. 

I've had strange dreams as well. Last night, I dreamed I was in Eddy's house from the hit cartoon. We were looking for food for some reason. This new medicine I'm taking has made me sleepy during the night time. Thankfully, there isn't an after effect so I'm not drowsy in the morning. I wake up feeling refreshed and ready to tackle the day. But the medicine has not removed my fear of writing. I suppose that will be something I will always have to face. I'm worried that my work won't add up to something. I know a lot of writers talk about writing from a place of love. Can a person create from a place of anger? Or hate? Hate is just a negative form of love. I wake up and sometimes I hate writing. I hate the blank page. I feel like I'm walking in a dark cave not knowing where to go next. For some people, it's an adventure. For me, it's akin to feeling lost. Before I was a teen, I was in the boy scouts. My father and I drove to a camping area to set up for the night with the others. It wasn't until the fire got started and the twilight hit us that we were informed by another scout master that we were in the wrong spot. I had this feeling of dread inside of me as we packed up and left for the correct area. Did dad, my guide and support, did he know where we were or how we were going to get to the right spot? I was afraid that we were lost and that's a fear that still sticks with me to this day. I can't go anywhere without my GPS on my phone. In fact, when I got my job at Teleperformance, I had a GPS box that would guide me there for the first year. After a while I figured out how to get to the building, but that was before it was closed permanently due to Covid. I still use my phone's GPS to get to my friend Mike's house. Even after knowing him for almost a decade I still have this dread of being lost. I suppose that's why I prefer to chart out my outlines of my stories before I write. But this Cain story, I didn't outline. And now, I'm lost. I'm not sure I have the confidence to go to the next step. You know what, I just got an idea as I was complaining about this. Is that how I get my ideas out? By complaining? Maybe I have an idea of what to do next. Maybe this won't be so hard.

I'm going to a writer's convention tomorrow. I set up my schedule at work so that I'd have time to visit. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm also nervous. There seems to be this gap between professional writers and the indy writers I'm meeting. Like a chasm between those that "made it" and those who live on the fringe of financial stability. I know that many writers don't make their living off of writing. That's fine, I don't need to make millions. I just need to make an impact, like the Andrzej Sapkowski. What a name! He's the author of The Witcher and while the TV show is subpar at best, the other medium has made a huge impact. The fact that a Polish author is making a splash in the US when there are plenty of authors out there willing to let their works get skewed by Hollywood, says that his work has made its mark in literature. I haven't read the books yet, in fact, I've only played most of Witcher 3 (haven't completed it yet) and watched the first two seasons of the show. But the series does have a niche to it that has seeped into the subconsciousness of the US media. That's what I want for my stories, for them to be honored like Isaac Asimov's work or the stories of C.S.Lewis. But lets be real, Lewis' fame comes from his Narnia series. No one really reads his scifi works. And that's fine I suppose. There's lots of works that don't get their media spotlight or if they do, they're ruined by the weight of the light. I've seen lots of works destroyed by the interpretation of Hollywood, look no further than Stephen King's The Shining to see how much he hated that classic. Though, for my part I thought the book was a better story but the movie was a better horror story. Getting back to my point, there seems to be a gap between those that have "made it" and those that haven't. What is it that seperates them? Is it the attention that so few authors receive? Lovecraft didn't make it until a hundred years after his death. His work would have been buried in history if not for some of his friends. Sometimes I wonder about other author's burried works and wonder if they will ever be ressurected again. I got off track.

What should I ask these people when I meet them? That's the point I'm trying to get to. I'm not sure what I should do but I do think that I'll regret it if I don't go. This is a good opportunity to learn and I'm going to take it. The problem for me is that I think I'm above the beginner's circle (not trying to brag) and I need the intermediate level of help.