Attempts 10 probably

 I'm so down right now I don't feel like doing anything. I just want the day to end somehow. Someway. At least I'm not suicidal anymore but I can't enjoy the things I usually enjoy. Gaming, reading, writing. All boring to me. I feel no motivation and yet here I am writing on the computer. Good news is that I'm supposed to get some new medicine to help me out but I want to take it soon because I'm feeling so crappy. It's hard to get up to write when you feel like nothing matters. Like a gray void in your soul. There's nothing there.

Anyway. I've been giving myself some helpe by playing older games. Games I used to play when I was a kid. The Jak and Daxter trilogy comes to mind. I wish I could play the Ratchet and Clank series on my PS5 but they're only in a subscription service. Seriously, why can't I just buy the games? I don't care enough to really fight about it. I just want to get better.

Right now I'm on the phone with the pharmacy to see if I can get the meds a little early. It's the middle of the day and I have so much I want to get done and I can't get myself to do any of it. It's so frustrating. 

I had a good time at my psychiatrist. I was able to describe my symptoms in metaphors which she said is a good skill of a writer. I told her that it was like being a boat and every once and a while the waves flow over onto the ship. I have a floor beneath me but I need more help. I'm so glad she told me I was like a writer. It made me feel good. I'm going back to bed. I'm too tired to put up a fight.

I have to remind myself that it's okay if I don't do much today. I'm already doing a lot and I know that God can make up for the lost years. I have to be better mentally if I want to produce good work and I can't do that if I criticize myself for every stumble. 

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