Yet Another Attempt

 I'm nearing the end of my break from work. I've got four days left and while it has been great taking time off to do whatever I want, I miss work. I'm sure my coworkers have started rumors about me being in an asylum or some kind of crap. I might need an extention soon if my doctor doesn't give me some better meds. In the morning, I feel great because I took the morning pills, at night, I drop. I don't know how I'm supposed to write for a living if I can't keep my head on straight. I'm constantly fighting myself and I can't get over the war in my head. Lately I've been praying that God gets in my head before I get in there. I can do anything and blah, blah, blah, Christ and whatever. It's strange because I've grown up on a diet of Christian literature and TV shows and either there's something I'm missing or Christians are delusional. There's tons of animations about the wonderfulness of God but no one tells you how hard life can become. Mental health, bodily health, all kinds of things can come in and ruin your day. The Bible certainly shows people suffering, look at Job. If God gets me through this mental anguish I'll be thankful for a week and then go back to being myself. I've been in a battle for a long time. How long have I've been writing KIY? Three years now? If I was Stephen King I'd be five books in by now. How is that some poeple can have so many words inside their head? Does God give me strength for the battle? The Joel box next to me says He does. I forgot to mention that my dad got me a box that plays short Joel Osteen preachings. They serve as a source of encouragement but really what I need is medicine. I don't know why God has chosen to not heal my mind or why I'm going through this. I can know that he has plans for me, plans to give me hope and a future. And while bad things may happen, God can use them to make me come up better at the end. I just wish the end was closer.

I saw a post on Facebook that my dad had been hanging out with a work buddy. I told him he needed to make his own group of "boys." You know, guys he can hang out with besides mom. I'm proud of him. We both share that hesitance to go out and be social. It's amazing, even in your sixties you can go make some connections. I'm REALLY proud of him. 

Today I meet with my therapist and I hope it goes well. It has been a pain dragging up old wounds and trying to heal them. It's like diving for cuts in my soul. I asked him if this was helping and he said that it's good that I notice that theres problems that need to be fixed. Maybe I just burried my problems and never addressed them. That seems to be the case but it still feels like opening closed wounds. 

I've got a bunch of tabs I need to go through today. They're all about writing and how to improve your craft. I'll be honest, I hate these short articles about writing. I wish there were lectures because that's where you really learn something. Short advice gives short benefits. Today I'm also starting that book that my mom gave me, "The Artist's Way." After that I'll try to write some more KIY and read some of that book I've been reading. It's "Haunted" by Chuck Palahniuk. It's strange but ever since he's made the scene with Fight Club he's been struggling to make another really great book. His other stuff isn't bad but it feels like he's trying to freak the reader out rather than try something new. "Haunted" is made up of essays all tied together with a writer's retreat narrative. I wonder if those retreats really work. The problem, for me, is the pacing in the story. The victims lose their minds really quick and the essays are more focused on the past of the writers rather than what's happening to them at the retreat. We've got one guy called "Saint Guts Free" who lose most of his bowels in a pool diving "accident." So far it's the best essay but also the most disgusting. And I feel like at the end it was the beginning of a story, or a tragedy, not a full story. Stephen King does this in his novels about small towns going belly up due to a disaster or god or monster. But King likes to conclude his tragic stories, these feel unfinished. I felt like saying "So what?" to a lot of the stories I've read. So what if he lost his guts. So what if this girl obsessed with being thin is pregnant. So what if this woman may or may not kill people with a bowling ball. It's like Palahnuk had scraps on his writing table and swept them all into one story. I recall that when I was working as a writer for an online magazine that I had an assignment to read and list the most disturbing books ever written. This was the book that made me quit the assignment and now here I am, years later, trying to read it. It's not as disturbing as I thought it would be but it is...uncomfortable. But I feel like that's all Palahnuk wants to do instead of telling me something deep. Maybe that's why I like Stephen King so much is that he manages to add a nice bow to the end of his stories. Most of the time. Is this something that writers struggle with? Forget about being noticed online or making a career out of writing, it must be hard coming up with new ideas all the time. Take that writer who wrote "The Hunger Games," Has she written anything besides add on stories to her universe? Well, she works as a writer so maybe she doesn't have the time to do it. Still, I'd retire if I'd made such a great story. I remember seeing those books on the shelves and seeing the ads for the movies in theatres. Young adults were adament on making sure that the production team got the story and characters of their favorite novel correct. I think that's all for now. Time for a break and a nap.