TPA 19

Sheesh, a lot of excuses came up today. I went to my folks place to help out in the shed. My mom had a pumpkin she wanted to cut open to get the seeds out for next year. She said that the store was throwing it out because it had a dent in it. Unfortunately, she didn't know there were fruit flies in it so they swarmed the kitchen. My dad said he set up a place outside for her to open the pumpkin but she didn't use it. My mom is so silly. Today my dad and I worked on a corner in the shed. We put up a board and drilled it into the side of the shed. I always wonder why my parents do things like this, what's the point, don't they know that they will die? I have such bad thoughts running in my head. I just worry about them. Anyway, we put up some clips to hold shovels and tools in place. We also moved a shelf into the shed that we can store more stuff on it. I don't know how but that shed fills up with a lot of stuff in just one season. It's like it's breeding tools and junk inside there. I also fixed up an old trash bin with duct tape. It feels good to help outy my folks. 

I know that these pages are supposed to help me get better, to kill the inner critic but I don't think that it's working. Writing doesn't always feel good and some days, oh, some days it just hurts. I drive myself insane with these awful thoughts of self-hatred. I hope these new therapy sessions can help me. They said they took Medicade but they still charged me thirty bucks. I don't have much money so this was especially mean. 

What else happened? I've been trying to listen to the lore behind the Fear and Hunger game series. I wish I had that level of creativity but I know that the game's lore is heavily based off of the Beserk manga series. And the game creator is from Finland so I guess when you're cold all year you get a little depressed. That's not what I want, my work should reflect how I feel at the time. I want to work on this new story. I can see the place it will take place is in and what I can do.

An issue I keep on bumping into is the huge amount of tabs I have opened in my phone. I can't find a way to organize them. I've got manga, anime, and plenty of comics that I want to read. The problem is, will I ever read them? I've got Gleipnir and Something is Killing the Children to read but I like to revisit the same comics over and over. I get them lost and I end up creating new ones. I must have fifteen of the same manga opened up on this phone. I don't like not knowing where my stuff is but I like to let my whims take over and go wherever I'm feeling. There's got to be a way to organize this stuff. I just don't want to lose anything, so I hoard. I'm a hoarder. I need to do better. I'll write more later. 

I'm back. I think Hell or High Water came for me again today. I tried to do two thousand but life always gets in the way. That's just an excuse though. Maybe some day I'll learn to not hate myself. Maybe. Right now I just want to take a break. This writing thing feels more like an order than an obligation. I got to play DND with my friend today so that was something...special? I don't really care for DND, I should, but I just can't get into the world. I know a lot of autistic people get into it but I just don't see the magic. Maybe that will change over time. I'm done writing now. I want to take a break.

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