The Blog In Yellow

I've dived back into the dark world of the Outlast series. I recently bought Outlast 2 and Outlast Trials. The two games were missing from my Steam list. I must be careful, I've spent forty dollars on games. I need to save money, not spend it. Let me say that I won't be spending any more this month on games or fast food. That should boost my bank account.  Going back to the Outlast games is a little hard because the games are so gory. In one instance, if you get caught by this giant of a man, he'll rip your head off. The game is set in a first person angle meaning that you'll see your body on the floor as your head dies from decapitation. Both the first and second games have lots of other disturbing moments including implied necrophilia, cannibalism, and insane religious devotion. The first game has the player infultrate an insane assylum thanks to a whistleblower email sent anonymously. Armed with only your camera's night vision as a form of light, you descend ...

I don't think I'll survive this. My body keeps on rebelling against me. Over and over I keep on losing my mind. I was ready to throw myself off a cliff today. It was only when I had the chills at night did I realize it was because of my pre-diabetes. God did nothing. If I were to die, he would have done nothing. Where is he in my worst of times? Nowhere because he doesn't care. I'm done with him. I'm done with my parents who can't do anything. I just sent a letter off to my doctor. I can't live like this anymore. This overwhelming urge to kill myself mixed with these cold night chills is making my life hell. I should be reading but I can't concentrate. Did you know, I have over five thousand tabs open in my phone. It's more like ten thousand. Even if I go through them all they won't matter. I have so much I want to read and do and so little energy that I don't know what to do. I can't prioritize or focus.  I was so out of it yesterday tha...

I had an idea of what I wanted to write about today but I forgot to put it down. A pity, I thought it was a good idea at the time. I talked to my writing coach yesterday and she likes my Cain idea. The basic formula behind it is the idea of "killing someone won't bring them back." I'm sure you've heard that phrase before. It's this idea of how revenge won't bring back loved ones. And yet we have this urge inside of us to get justice in some kind of form. So what if there was a world with a spell or a technique where killing a murderer did bring them back? That's the crux of the story. It's strange becaue the world I imagined it in is very bleak and gray. So much so that I barely did any research. I just went into my imagination and pulled the first thing that came out. It's a desolate land that represents my protagonist's mindset. He's had everything taken from him and only has revenge. Which reminds me. Im thinking about breaking down ...

I had a strange dream last night, a good one but still strange. I was being hunted by scientists and military creeps who wanted to take me back to the lab. It reminded me of the game Second Sight where the protagonist had psychic power he could use to esceape his enemies. I've got something similar, I can put bad thoughts into people's minds with my finger gun. Just point and shoot those bad thoughts away. I think this might make a good story. I can make people commit suicide with depression or get them angry enough to kill their fellow worker. I like having dreams like this.  Yesterday was a good day, the only bad thing that happened was that it was too cold for me to sleep. Guess I'll have to add that blanket. The other thing that happened was that I cut myself shaving. A nasty little cut that leaves a little skin. Like being sheared or skinned. Speaking of which, I bought a new game called "Skinfreak." Published by Torture Star Video and developed by some guy w...

Several good things happend to me yesterday. When I walked in yesterday I met an elderly woman who worked at the facility. "Six two or six three." That's the first thing she said to me. I picked up immediately and told her six two. She went into a story about how she knew an athlete who was six three and whenever she hugged him she head to stand on a stool or the stairs to hug him or she'd hug his navel. She proceeded to ask me what my degree was in. I told her I was unsure if it was a B.A. or a B.A.S. or something like that. To my knowledge I haven't looked at my degree in years as it hangs on my parent's house. It's easy to forget your own accomplishments and then you forget how to treasure them. As we talked she said that she worked with mental health. At least, I think that's what she did. She said that she helped people through personal problems but she didn't say she was a therapist or a counselor. I don't know what type of job she does t...

I received a nasty wake up call from my dad today. He transferred some money to me but in the process saw how low my bank account was. It's less than fifty dollars. I'm getting paid this week so it's not a huge problem, what is a problem is that I've worried my parents. I like to think I can take care of myself but the truth is that I'm stuck in these black and white, on and off thinking patterns that disrupt my daily activities. For example, I worry about money or not at all, I spend too much or I hoard too much. I forget that money is very limited and I can't afford to spend it all on games and books and fast food. I have bills to pay and gas to buy. If only I had that disability payments that the government promised me. But I don't and I have to work through that. Does God care? It seems like he doesn't when it comes to things I really need. I want to be independent from my family. I don't care if I have to live off the government, I want to be st...

Sheesh, a lot of excuses came up today. I went to my folks place to help out in the shed. My mom had a pumpkin she wanted to cut open to get the seeds out for next year. She said that the store was throwing it out because it had a dent in it. Unfortunately, she didn't know there were fruit flies in it so they swarmed the kitchen. My dad said he set up a place outside for her to open the pumpkin but she didn't use it. My mom is so silly. Today my dad and I worked on a corner in the shed. We put up a board and drilled it into the side of the shed. I always wonder why my parents do things like this, what's the point, don't they know that they will die? I have such bad thoughts running in my head. I just worry about them. Anyway, we put up some clips to hold shovels and tools in place. We also moved a shelf into the shed that we can store more stuff on it. I don't know how but that shed fills up with a lot of stuff in just one season. It's like it's breeding too...

I don't want to write this late in the day. I want to relax and read. Maybe I'm pushing myself too much. I feel bad just sitting around but I like doing nothing. Well, I didn't do nothing all day. I did some chores, got groceries. Putting away groceries is always a hassel. Not as bad as going to the store and meeting strangers but it's still bad. You would think that I would like organizing everything but I don't. Which is especially strange to me. Sheesh, I've been doing this to myself too much lately where I put off writing and reading and then just want to play games for the night. It's like having desert all the time, it makes it taste bad. You'd think I'd learn this lesson but I'm still beating myself up over wasting the day. I can't be too hard, I was very sleepy this morining and I know why, I ate too late at night. I can't afford to do that any more. I need to work if I'm going to get better at this writing job. Another incide...

Yesterday, I got to watch the full "Puss in Boots: The Last Wish." I've been meaning to watch it for a while ever since I've seen breakdowns and clips of it. It's a good, short, to the point, movie that everyone that I've watched has praised. Let me see if I can break it down from memory. Puss narrates about a wishing star that has fallen to the earth years ago and that anyone who finds it will have a wish granted. Puss in Boots celebrates with a song at a party he's hosting in the govenor's house, unknown to the govenor who's off on vacation. His party is so loud it wakes up a giant who attacks the town. Puss runs to the rescue and defeats the giant but "dies" in the process. He wakes up in the doctor's office who asks how many lives Puss has used. Puss realizes that he's on his last life and it is recommended by the doctor to no longer go on adventures. The doctor tells Puss to retire at a cat retirement home which Puss refuses....

I read somewhere that Franz Kafka, the genius behind "The Metamorphosis" and other stories burned ninety five percent of all his work because he thought he was a failure. I can't blame him, I have the same kind of thinking. No one really reads this stuff which is good because it lets me get out the bad words in my head. But you wonder what could have been if he had saved those works. I first heard about Kafka from Calvin and Hobbes of all things. Calvin insists that his mother gives his stuffed tiger a kiss good night, at Hobbes own insistance. Hobbes claims that if you don't get a kiss you get "Kafka-esque dreams." I asked my folks what that meant and I think it took them a while to realize the author was referencing Franz Kafka. Hm, I had another thought about what I wanted to write but I forgot it. Oh, well. Yesterday was fine while at work. I think we'll lose another resident soon. It's strange because the ones that always seem to die (I'm no...

Let's jump back to 2002 or 3 when I was in middle school. I recall getting a Gamecube for my birthday and one of the games I got, besides Super Smash Bros. Melee, was Sonic Adventure 2 Battle. It was better game than the first Sonic Adventure (no more wandering around or Big the Cat fishing) but I hadn't played the first one yet and wouldn't untli many years later. 2 is the obvious superior game but what drew me back, as what did with many plyaers was the Chao Garden. In between levels the player could visit a garden filled with a few eggs. Hatch the eggs and little creatures called Chao pop out that you can raise. The player had the ability to give the chao these energy drives they found or animals they picked up on while playing the action levels. Like many players, I was obsessed with raising these little creatures to the highest level I could find. Each animal or different colored energy drive upgraded a different stat for the chao. Based on what you gave them, the Chao...

Another day spoiled. I had plans to work on my tooth story but my head got in the way. I must have had a crash because I slept most of the day today.  Anyway, I finally figured out a trope from games and anime, the paternal grandparent. I've noticed this in a lot of shows and games I play where the grandparent lets the kids go off on an adventure. The example that comes to mind is Legend of Zelda: Windwaker where Link, the protagonist, has a grandmother. In other games he's had uncles or masters to look over him but this is the closest he's had to a direct relative. Of course Grandma lets Link go out to see with a bunch of pirates to save his sister because she's too old but the question you have to ask is why do these adults let kids do all the heavy lifting? I suppose it's because the reader/gamer/whatever can identify with the protagonist but the truth of the matter is that the parents would out right refuse to let the kids do something stupid like go on an adven...

I'm just waiting the next five minutes for Walgreens to open up so I can get my meds. Who waits until 10 AM to open up? I think someone is trying to hack me. Someone keeps on trying to email me who I keep labeling as spam and I got a "new" phone number from my "aid." I don't know if it's really her or not so I'll ask her the next time I see her. I got all my exercises done and I haven't played a game yet. I wish every day could be as productive as this, it's always a good day when I wake up before my alarm. Oh, and I ate only a little before bed so no drop today. Right now I'm chewing on some broccoli which will help me stay sane. Oh shoot, I have to leave early today to get some gas for my car. That always takes time and money out of me. I'm on the phone right now with Walgreens and, of course, someone else is ahead of me. How did that happen? I called the moment that they opened up. This is the worst part, waiting for the short staf...

I had a dream that I was at college. This is rare for me because I usually dream about high school or middle school. There was this gray basement area where people could study and there was these rooms off to the right where the students slept. I remember going through some of them because a pair of cute Asian girls went by and I wanted to see where they were...I dunno, roomed at. That's not a word is it? Sheesh, I am in bad form today. I don't want to write at all. I feel like I'm the worst writer whoever lived. I can't make sense of what I wanted to write about with my tooth story. I doubt it will be ready by the time Halloween comes around. This is too hard. I'm going to take a nap instead and go from there. I'd rather be asleep than think about hard stuff like this. My brain isn't ready for this type of difficulty, yet. And I think that's my problem. I try to do too much. What was I thinking trying to write ten books in one series? I have the plan fo...

There are several topics I want to cover today so let's get those pages in. First, I want to talk about my unhealth obsession with Stardew Valley. It's a game I originally bought on my Xbox. Since then I've also got it on steam and I've spent a combined time of about five hundred hourse on it. I wish I spent more time reading and writing, but what can I do? I love this game. The premise is that you play your own made up character who inherits a farm at Stardew Valley. You meet the locals, grow a couple of crops, tend to animals, and dive into the mines for materials. This game has captivated me for a reason. The music is astonishing and the story that slowly drips into the game is amazing. Recenlty, a friend of mine tried playing it and he hates the "neighborvania" aspect of the game. "Neighborvania" refers to a game where the player has to interact with NPCs to make progress. It's similar to a game called Animal Crossing where you have to intera...