TPA 31

I still feel fragile. The medicine hasn't taken root yet but I need to be patient. Once my body becomes used to the it I'll be better. I haven't had the chance to write all day. I don't know what to do on my days off. I feel so weak compared to the days when I have my job, when I have my purpose. Is this some kind of curse upon me? I can't do a full days worth of writing unless I'm on a deadline. Right now my friend is awake and he wants to watch a movie. I want to write some more. Maybe that's the secret. Find something else to do. 

Even though I'm better, I still fear hurting people. It's scary to talk to others when you're afraid that they'll think you insane. I know I'm not better yet because I get weepy, or emotional whenever I see something sad. It makes it hard to keep your emotions in check. Some days I'm afraid to eat because I worry that my medicine will give me stomach aches or the night chills. Then I can't sleep and I hurt a lot. I'm thinking of talking to my physician but he doesn't know anything about my mental health. It's like going to a surgeon with a cold; all he can do is open you up. I'll be better soon, I've been through, no, I doubt I've been through worse. This is the worse until I feel the loneliness of when my parents die. I don't want to live that way. I worry about awful things. What will happen when I die? I think about them in strange ways. Like will I never be able to play a certain game. Isn't that weird? That's what I'm thinking about. Not the impact I'll have on the world or if I'll accomplish something. Just questioning if I have enough time to play a game. I'm too young to think about death. I wonder if it's something that you become comfortable with as you get older. I suppose I'll find out someday. But I can't remember a day that I didn't think of death. Not of suicide, but of dying. Passing away. I try not to think about it but gravity is so strong when you're on the edge of a cliff. I think I'll be okay tonight.