TPA 33

Today I'm pretty sure my friend will go home. I had a blast last night playing DnD with my other friends. I wonder if it was because I was so into it. Recently I found a blog that talked about the monsters from Kouldelka. It was based on the fan wiki but the writer gave their own impressions of the baddies which was neat to read. Maybe I should make my own impressions. The problem is that the game is what...about three hundred dollars? I need more money but my parents would freak out if I paid that much for a game. Guess I'm stuck with emulators. That's fine. I wish PS5 would host the game. Or the Shadow Heart series. Those games are very expensive and hard to find. This is one of the goals in my life, to preserve games. And translate all games into English for a giant library. 

I looked up the development behind Koudelka and the game's name and main character are based on the photography of Josef Koudelka, a famous photographer from Czechoslovakia. He's famous for photographing rituals, especially death, and the Gypsies. It explains why the protagonist in the game is a gypsie. I guess Josef's focus on death is what inspired the game. The monsters are inspired by European lore creatures and Lovecraftian beings. 

Right now, my problem is that I would have to download an emulator and get the game to run on a PC. I prefer to play my games on a console if I can and I would have to play a long game that I don't know if I have that much interest in. My other problem is that I don't know if this will really give me enough info to help me build my own story if it's just more junk data. I could spend the rest of my life reading about Lovecraft and the inspiration he had on other people. But that isn't a book. It's hard for me to pull from my library of imagination. I guess that's something that people practice. 

For the rest of my pages, why don't I break down some of the monster from Koudelka? That would fill up the words. But first, while I still have the energy, I want to work on my Cain story. 

Ok. So today didn't go as bad as I had thought. I got more than half a page in before my brain fizzled out. This is different than writing when I write this. What's the difference? I can't tell. I'm too sensitve right now. I tried reading my book but my eyes watered up. I can't read Canid and I want to. But I skipped to the end to see if it ends happy. It doesn't seem to be which means it's better for me to not touch it right now. My soul can't take it with how...soft I am right now. I want to read it though. I want to talk to the writer. He was nice to me so I want to support him. I bought the second book and a third one in the Canid series is on the way. Maybe there will be more. Will I ever see that in the KIY? I would like to. I want to get over the hatred I have for myself. To do that I have to do the things that my therapist asked me to do. So, I'll try to write that letter tomorrow. The one to my past self. If I was twenty again, what would I say to myself?

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