TPA 53

I don't want to write today but I'm so grateful that I have today. Maybe I'll write more later but yesterday was a perfect day. It was raining, I got to hang out with my family, and I got A LOT of writing done. Over two thousand words, almost three thousand in print. I got more of my Cain story written and I got some exercise. Overall, a good day. Today, not so much. I need to watch Community or something ot get my engines going. Right now, I feel lazy. Maybe it's the food I ate or maybe it's the weather. Probably both. 

I've been watching the internet shread Call of Duty: Black Ops 7 to shreds and it feels nice. The series has been in decline for years with each release being worse and worse. Seeing the mighty fall is always an American thing isn't it? We yearn for the top to fall down because we're rebels at heart. We defy power and structures and think more about ourself than the group. It's a weird tradition. Or maybe I'm overthinking it. 

I've been happy lately. I'm grateful but I want to do more every day. I talked with my therapist. He told me that it's okay for me to mask to others but not to mask towards myself. That makes sense I think. I told him that it was hard to talk to someone about pain. Wheneve I tell my supervisor that I'm not doing well, she asks what she can do. What am I going to do, explain the whole set of problems to her? Maybe I should tell her how I was suicidal a month ago. That will really get them going. No, when someone asks how you're doing, it's just a greeting, not an offer to help. He also told me to look at what parts are responding to my trauma with a small "t." He told me to think about what parts of me are responding to my trauma. I never thought of it like that. Then we talked about the time I banged my head against the wall. I was very young and when my mother asked what I was doing, I told her that there was someting wrong with my head and I needed to fix it. I don't remember that day, probably for the best. Maybe I injured myself while being "corrected." But he told me to ask that inner child, that part of me that asked me to fix my head, what it wanted. It's an interesting exercise. I usually ignore myself or my inner child or inner, whatever. 

Another interesting thing that came up is that I do this thing called steming. I count my fingers as I breathe in and out. In for five, out for five. Or I break it down. In for two, out for two, in for three, out for three. Just writing this makes me want to do it. My therapist says it's a fidgeting habbit that evolves into fidgeting from whatever things we do. I used to bump my shoulders up and down and count them to get them "even." If I moved one shoulder up once, I had to do it to the other one. I didn't know there was a term for that. Steming, huh.

I told my therapist about Bocchi the Rock. It has these great scenes where the protagonist Bocchi will act strangely when she's being social or in a strange situation. Like hiding in the garbage can to make herself small or litterally explode when some boys come and hit on her. She pops like a balloon which freaks out her friends. Of course, this is just an anime metaphor for how she's feeling. I think he'd like the show even if he doesn't care for anime. 

One last thing, I took a compliment at work. I'm getting better at accepting compliments and taking in love. Especially from my parents. It feels good to love yourself. I don't know if this is the extra medicine I'm taking but I feel better. I've also started writing more after work. It's something I've prayed for since I usually get a lot more done in the morning. I went onto Royal Road the other day and posted some questions and I got A LOT of answers back. I'm surprised that anyone listened to me. It's a good start but now I need to find the courage to read what they said. It's strange, I know, but there were several answers and I need to digest what they said to me. Hopefully, it will help.