TPA 54

Today wasn't a good day. And I'm asking myself "Is that all it takes? One blow and you're down?" But part of me is saying "Yeah. I'm a glass canon." I got a call from my job searching coach and he said the same thing they all say "We don't know what to do with you." We're looking for a job that lets me use my skills as a researcher or a writer. No such jobs found yet. I wonder if they'll ever be found. I'm not declaring that they won't be found, I'm just complaining. I had three good days and if I hadn't had my medicine in me, I would have collapsed. I think I'd be back on the suicide area if I hadn't had my medicine. Is this a test? Then I tried to stay strong but I failed. I tried not to think about it but I didn't make it. I looked at my bills and I was behind on one. It took a hundred dollars out of my account. I was trying this month. Really trying to not go out to eat and not buy too many games. Is there something wrong with me? All my efforts shot down in one day. And I still have a high electricity bill to pay so that's no fun. I then tried getting some advice on writing an outline for my short story, but there's this block in me that won't go away. I don't know if it's fear or something spiritiual or physical or a mental block but it won't let me learn the things I need to learn to write. I feel like a burden to my parents. What would I do if they were gone? Go to a bar? I need someone in my life who can help me. I've got one last complaint. I noticed that I ask God for help with stuff like energy after work so I can write, then I go and play video games instead. Dad said it's important to be honest with yourself but how do I change so I write after work? So much I don't understand about myself. God help me today was bad. 

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