The Blog In Yellow

I've got a lot to write about today but I beat one of the monsters. Years ago I found an essay supposedly by Dan Simmons. I can't confirm that it's his work but it does offer good advice. One of which devastated me years ago. I misread the quote as "if you don't make it by the time you are thirty, you won't make it at all." The real quote says  " We all know there are youthful prodigies in mathematics. Indeed, by the age of 30, most true mathematicians are over the hill. If they haven't made their bones by then, they almost certainly never will." That quote haunted me for many years. That was over a decade ago and it still hurts a bit. But this is my mosnter, this one I made myself cobbled together with misunderstandings and fastened with the same fears and insecurities that tie me down. It's like the telephone game where one person speaks a word to antoher in a circle and round it goes until you end up with a new word or phrase. It's...

The weather is getting to me. The cold and the dry air makes me depressed. My SAD is acting up with the turn of the seasons and it kills me. The good news is that I've got plenty with which to distract myself. Cold weather is the best time to read which I'll do after this. Looking online, a lot of people are worried about the Steam Machine might be more than originally thought. My hope is that it's on the low end of sex hundred. If it's more than that then this isn't a bargin anymore. I might have to reconsider. Not that I was giving it serious thought but I am jealous seeing my friends get one of these devices while I'm left in the cold. Being broke is awful but it may change soon. I've been lax lately on my pages but it was a nice break and now I feel like I'm going to give it another try. Who am I kidding? I'm just afraid of my own story. I know it won't come out right and even though I know what I want to do next. Writing is fear. If I can...

There's a lot to talk about. First let's get the God stuff out of the way. I'm trying to write more positive so that I don't have to go back and read how miserable I am. For a few weeks I've been asking God to work on me, and He has, but the idea is co-labor, to work with God on something. This week, I asked God, "Hey God, let's work on me together." One of the thoughts that came to my head was Joseph in slavery. After being sold by his brothers, he worked to death and was imprisoned after being falsely accused. I was listening to Bill Johnson and he was talking about how Joseph could have worked for decades and never been the right hand man of the pharoh. And even thought I'm worried about almost turning forty and worry that I've never made connections and done enough training, God knows my desires and he has plans for me to grant them. I know God can make up for the lost time. So even though I don't have a lot going for me as far as I can...

If I keep at this pace, I'll have written for 365 days by the start of November. I let my friend stay over a little more today. He looked like he could use the rest. Part of me regrets letting him stay over a little longer. I want to play games and be by myself. There's nothing better than being alone. I've heard pastors like Bill Johnson who say how were supposed to be in a community. He doesn't understand the wonder of being in your own mind. It's great because you don't have to put on a mask. Even when I'm with my friends and family, no matter how close they are, I put on a mask. Whether it's a fool's mask or one of seriousness, it's still a mask and it chaffs my skin. It's a blessing to be able to be yourself and lounge on your couch. To not worry about tomorrow but know that your day is has purpose and direction. It's a wonderful thing. I've been wishlisting a lot of books on procrastination and rewiring your brain. I've noti...

I had a dream that I was at college. This is rare for me because I usually dream about high school or middle school. There was this gray basement area where people could study and there was these rooms off to the right where the students slept. I remember going through some of them because a pair of cute Asian girls went by and I wanted to see where they were...I dunno, roomed at. That's not a word is it? Sheesh, I am in bad form today. I don't want to write at all. I feel like I'm the worst writer whoever lived. I can't make sense of what I wanted to write about with my tooth story. I doubt it will be ready by the time Halloween comes around. This is too hard. I'm going to take a nap instead and go from there. I'd rather be asleep than think about hard stuff like this. My brain isn't ready for this type of difficulty, yet. And I think that's my problem. I try to do too much. What was I thinking trying to write ten books in one series? I have the plan fo...