The Blog In Yellow

I'm burnt out. That Outlast game must have taken more out of me than I thought. I'm finishing another game called Promise Mascot Agency which has a lot more personality than Outlast. Now that I think about it, I know what I hated about Outlast. It was so monotonous and didn't give me a chance to recover from the horror. The jumpscares become expected instead of dreaded. And the enviroment doesn't tell a story. But what can you do with such a concept? The dilapidated rooms only go so far in an asylum. The same issue happened when I played The Suffering. Same idea but in a prison instead of medical ward. If they had added some more personality rather than adding shocking content like a crazed man trying to clean a dead body or having my fingers cut off, they could have made a more memorable game. Maybe I'm jaded because the game is old and I've played it before. I've been in the world of Lovecraft for so long that I expect deep horror, not jumpscares. It doesn...

After sitting down for three hours I was able to speed through my second run of Outlast. It...lived up to my low expectations I suppose. The biggest issue I have is the numerous jump scares, the crutch which the game uses to beat you over the head. The fear of someone staring at you or chasing you down loses it's effect after the fifth or so time. It feels like the developers didn't know what scary was and instead of letting things build up and let the tension go up and down like a wave (like Soma or Amnesia) the game keeps you on constant edge. The story follows a reporter who gets info that an insane assylum is doing "bad things." I'm paraphrasing, there's a bigger story dealing with nazi technology and nanomachines that haunts the assylum and subjects driven mad by the experimentations. There used to be a game jam, a get together for devs, called Assylum Jam with the intent of posing the story away from the cliche mad patients attacking the player. I'm ...

I've dived back into the dark world of the Outlast series. I recently bought Outlast 2 and Outlast Trials. The two games were missing from my Steam list. I must be careful, I've spent forty dollars on games. I need to save money, not spend it. Let me say that I won't be spending any more this month on games or fast food. That should boost my bank account.  Going back to the Outlast games is a little hard because the games are so gory. In one instance, if you get caught by this giant of a man, he'll rip your head off. The game is set in a first person angle meaning that you'll see your body on the floor as your head dies from decapitation. Both the first and second games have lots of other disturbing moments including implied necrophilia, cannibalism, and insane religious devotion. The first game has the player infultrate an insane assylum thanks to a whistleblower email sent anonymously. Armed with only your camera's night vision as a form of light, you descend ...

A lot of good happened yesterday. At work I saw that the schedule had changes which caused me some concern. I sent the updated dates to my folks who were as concerned as I was. There was clearly a communication error when I was working more than two days in a row. I get stressed if I work more than two days in a row. It's due to my medicine. I've been adjusting to the new dose which is keeping me sane but interrupting my sleep. But the issue isn't my sleep but how much work I can handle at a time. Two days on, one day off was our agreement but yesterday the schedule had me working on a day when I was getting a tooth implant.Technically I could come in that day with a busted mouth but I thought it would be better if I let myself heal for a day. I told my boss this and she agreed but seemed to be a little upset. I hate it when she's upset, it makes it hard to talk to her. I'm in mortal fear of upsetting people or letting them down. I went back to my job having the too...

I've been reading more about Lovecraft's life and how he dabbled in amatuer astronomy. His letters show an interest in science and he's published a few books and magazines about the stars. All this is to say that he sounds melacholy when he's writing about the unknown. "The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown" as quoted by the man himself. There is this frustration in his words, a desire to understand and yet being unable to put the piece together. To quote Lovecraft again "The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind ot correlate alll its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in its own direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing together of dissociated knowlege will open up such terrifying ...

There's a place of disatisfaction in my soul. A place where stories are left incomplete. I remember in college I got into the world of fanfiction. I thought it was facinating that there were others like me who liked a story and decided to make their own version. I had often thought about "what if the story went this way or that way" and here was a bunch of people doing just that. But this opened me to a paler side of my life. Not darker as if it was blackened by some kind of evil, just a world of incomplete stories. You see, fanfiction authors are not paid by anyone. They write for the sake of writing, for fun. And they are under no obligation to finish their story. This was when I would wake up and check my computer to see if someone's story had updated. I would sometimes send them messages to check up on them and offer encouragement in hopes of getting another chapter. Many promised the moon but delivered a rock. They wanted to be the next epic tale. Hundreds of cha...

My mom and I practiced this technique of listening to the Spirit. It's demonstrated by these people who make this series called Perfected by Blood. They're a couple from Iran who were converted to Christianity and share what they've learned on a streaming service. Today's example was to use an image we had made in out minds of a tree. My tree, for some reason, was 2D. It was a cardboard cutout of a tree that you would see on a stage for a play. In other words, it was an effigy. A false tree standing in the wind. I imagined that a few weeks ago but we restarted our meetings so I had to be reminded about the image I conjured. The instructions were to basically go with the image and see what else was revealed to us. I thought it sounded like new age nonsens but I went with it just for laughs. And it was funny, to me at least. Mom said that she imagined a fire and someone singing Cumbaya my Lord. The song just popped into her head she said. As for me, my tree was soon surro...

After the Atari game crash of 83, video games were a dirty word in consumer's minds. The infamous E.T. Atari game and the less famous Pac Man game not only crashed the market but reminded customers that there wasn't a quality check when it came to video games. Nintendo, fresh off the heat from their wins in the arcade sector, released the NES three years later. But how was a company that made video games supposed to get over the bad taste in consumer's mouth. The answer was R.O.B. Short for Robotic Operating Buddy, the NES was marketed as a toy, not a game console. R.O.B served as a second player for anyone who had the accompanying games. It was, in a way, the first computer player of it's kind. Later on R.O.B. was dumped once people realized how fun Mario and Zelda were without the extra player. Nintendo would follow this success with many systems to come but their foot in the market came at a cost. Nintendo demanded that game designers stick with their consoles, not t...

I've been trying to finish and reread Lovecraft's older works to get an idea of his style. I recently finished The Dunwich Horror, one of my favorite stories of Lovecraft.  Set in a small town called Dunwich, the story opens with a local pastor preaching about the evils he's encountered while in the town. The preacher later disappears and the story focuses on Old Whateley, a type of wizard whom the townsfolk fear and avoid. Through an unknown source, his daughter become pregnant and gives birth to a young man named Wilbur. The local animals fear him, except for the whippoorwills who seem to hang around when someone dies to snatch their soul. Old Whateley and his grandson attend terrible ceremonies for Yog Sothoth in the woods where there are rocks jutting out of the ground. This is likely a reference to Arthur Machen's work. The story later goes on the credit Machen's story "The Great God Pan" in a later chapter. Eventually, Old Whateley and his daughter p...

I've written about this before but I'll mention it again; I enjoy watching certain mechanics. I don't care for cars or physics or watching pieces work in symphony. I enjoy watching a well-oiled machine work. Specifically in games or when it comes to pool machines. As a kid, my folks would often take me to the museum where I would spend the majority of the time watching this machine that rolled pool balls through mechanical devices. The device usually started with an elevator that had prongs that would lift the ball into a curvey rail. These rails would twist and turn and let gravity move the balls along until they reached the end and fall onto a catcher that would make a drum sound as the ball landed or they would land onto a flat surface that would clack and clatter as the balls fell down. Some would fall onto a drum that was positioned to send the ball flying into another area while others would spin in a funnel similar until they exited. Various arms and wheel would turn...

Starting today, I'm getting my words in. I've been lax a few days but...I don't have an excuse. I got some good writing advice on reddit which confirmed my suspicion that I should mature a little more before writing KIY. I need help and I need to write a few short stories and see if they can be published or fixed up to make a good story. So I guess I'll work on my Cain story. I already have an idea of what I should work on next. This short story about people sharing the same thoughts on a ship. I'm trying not to panic because I get antsy if I don't do something to help my writing. I'm spending way too much time on Palworld. Maybe it's best if I delete it for now. That's the strange things about video games, watching a painter work will make you a better painter, reading a book will make you a better writer, but gaming won't make you a better game designer, it will only make you a better gamer. It's a strange, strange world of entertaintment w...

It was the pizza!  I woke up exhausted today not knowing why. I had plenty of rest but I didn't realize until now that the Donatos I ate last night was the culprit. It's fine, I got some more sleep after realizing I wasn't going to get much done today. My sister just announced she's getting rid of the piano in her house. It's going to the church that took over my old school. The school is shut down but the building is still in use by the church. I should go by and let the nostalgia hit me like a brick. I finished a horror game finally. Not one of the ones I was talking about, those are too long to write about and I just started them. No, I needed something short and easy to do. Even if it was short I had to look up a walkthrough which I'm not proud of. The game called "Missing Children," caught my attention with the name only. It's by this developer by the name of Chilla's Art who I assume is a solo developer. The story has this interesting sta...

I love my folks. We talked and we were able to put things to rest. I'm grateful to God for my parents. I know a lot of people who hate their folks and I must be one of the lucky few who have good folks. I'm better now. Dad and I talked for almost two hours and it was wonderful to get stuff off our chests. Sometimes I feel like I'm a mess and my dad reminded me that my aunt saw me being saved from death before I was born. I should have died because the umbillical cord was pressed against my chest, choking me. My reminded me of something good that I'll have to explain sometime on here. I think I can move on with my healing with "The Artist's Way." Which is good because I'm behind. I think I'll read what I can today and go from there. I want to write more but I don't have much to say. Maybe I'll have more when I've played DnD with my friend's friends. I also need to set up that poster of Jesus reaching out to me. My dad uses it and it ...

Pain is like a gaping wound. Everything spills out. I haven't spoken to my parents since the fight. I don't know if it's my pride or my hatred but it won't let me reconcile. Nor should I. I was attacked and hurt by them and they should suffer. Let them think that I'm dead for all I care. I need to move on. I need to find another reason to keep going. Pain holds you back. It keeps you from moving. I can't enjoy myself. There is an honest part of me, a dark part of me, that hopes that they are as hurt as I am. I want to tell them that. I hate them both and if they're reading this, I hope they know it. Just writing this out lets me let some steam off. Maybe I am a little better. I've been watching videos about that game I mentioned, "Stasis: Bone Totem." I've played the free prequel "Cayne" which had a really good surprise ending. And I've played most of the original "Stasis." The team behind the game THEBROTHERHOOD, is...

It's been a week since I started this program and I've been trying to stay on track with it. I got everything finished even if the last part was embittered by my fight with my folks. It's too cold and my anger only makes it worse. I haven't spoken to either of them for almost 24 hours. That's my punishment to them. It's childish, I should forgive them, but I don't want to and I'm going to let the childish side win. I met with my aid today and got some stuff done with her. I think that having her around does help out because otherwise I'll skip out of doing the things I need to get done. I'm sure that more blurts will come out as I write and remember. That's okay, I can just add them to the list and twist them into a positive. I did the three pages every day as requested even if I didn't write them short hand. I didn't show up for the artist's date though so that's a bummer. I think what inspires me is when I go onto art sites ...

Not a good start to the day. I got yelled at and I found out my new therapist isn't going to help me anymore. It's amazing how some words can work things around. So my folks called my DBT therapist and said she made a lot of excuses about working with me. That's not entirely true. I tried my best to maintain the peace but what was said must have been miscommunicated. She said that I said that I didn't want to talk to her until she had spoken to my parents, which was true. I thought it would be good if she got to know me better from my folks because when I'm put on the spot it's hard to describe or explain myself. But that moment never came so my parents and her never met. Instead I kept on receiving notifications that we were supposed to meet in my email and I reported these to my folks who thought that she was missing our appointments. She also said that I wanted to work on making friends with her help which I thought was part of the training. It's like goi...

The Artist's way wants me to look back and think of some compliments that I could scrounge up. In my negative thinking, it's hard to think of something that brought me joy. But, during one class I took at Thurber House, we were assigned with writing about a scene using our senses. I was reading a comic at the time and took the opportunity to write a scene from the comic. It was set in my RTF universe and it had my protagonist being accused of stealing something. His face is pushed into the ground at the subway and he can smell the scent of body odor and sewage as he hits the ground. I must have done a good job because the teacher applauded me. One of the other students came up and congratulated me for my work. I was happy, but I wasn't in the best mindset so I couldn't really accept it. Now I think I can accpet it. It takes guts to step out and tell someone you like they're work, especially an amateurs. But there was one before that where I wrote a short story for a...

In none of the Lovecraft's works have I found a sense of humor. The humor in today's Eldritch works doesn't come from the work of Lovecraft but from the familiartiy of it. Thanks to the internet, and a few friends of Lovecraft's from back in the day, his work remains one of the most influential in American writing history. But with this over exposure comes a deafening cost. The horror behind the stories has run dry with Cthulhu becoming a household name and Lovecraft being the subject of interrogation. HP Lovecraft's views on race have been dragged through every reader's opinion thanks to the fame afforded to him. Despite this, Lovecraft's effect can be seen in movies, television, games, and current books being made today. All this fame takes the bite out of the underappreciated horror giant. Case in point, a game I recently took up again by the name of "Gibbous: A Cthulhu Adventure" had me laughing as I played the ridiculous point and click. The n...

I've been doing well with my Artist's Way assignments. It's been a liberating experience I wish I had done a lot sooner. I just wish it was faster but healing takes time and I have plenty of time. For now. If I get that job I will have to change my habits in both life and writing. Maybe I can still make it. I don't think I want to be Stephen King again but I do want to try to emulate his style. This is hard. I'm also writing later than usual because I woke up late. My additional dose of medicine is making me stay awake late into the night. Right now, I'm watching someone talk about Grand Theft Auto 5, a game that's twelve years old. Gamers all thought that this was where it was at with gaming. The pinacle of design and gameplay. But not me, I didn't think that. GTA V is fine I guess but I recall going through a lot of slog. Lots of driving around, which is good if you like cars, but I'm more into platforming gameplay. I was hoping for an open world p...

I honestyl have no idea what to write today. I woke up at eight and got breakfast ready but before I could grasp it, time had slipped by and it was ten. I just want to waste the day away and not pretend that I'm Stephen King. Because I'm not him, I'm me and that's hard to accept sometimes. After breakfast I told myself I would do chores because my aid isn't here today, but that was a lie. I could lie to myself for a living as King says. Instead I played games. I've got this song from an Sbemail stuck in my head. I can only remember the last part where Strong sings about Homsar. "And this little weirdo, would be a modestly hot girl to help me through the hard times. She'd know the kind that is only sort of hot so she won't mess around with other guys." Then the hot Homsar says "Eeeeehhh! I'm forever your girl." The Brothers Chaps, the guys behind Homestar Runner, are geniuses. It's strange but the show isn't as funny as it ...