The Blog In Yellow

Honestly, I'm not that upset at work. Things have been quiet and my soul is at ease. I don't know why though. I should be terrified of work but I'm not which concerns me. It's like I'm denying reality. I'm still sore from work which is another concern. How long does it take to heal after a workout? Today I'm just reading, I'm reading my story which was edited and I'm finishing up that horror story I was reading earlier. I'm also going through my third reading of Duma Key which inspired my tooth story which has a proper name now.  But what do I do now? I don't feel like writing today, I feel like doing nothing. I've had a lot of those feelings ever since I started work again.  Oh, there is one thing I'm proud of, I didn't buy too many games this month. This Tuesday I'll have access to eight more games courtesy of Humble Bundle and I'll buy those books I've wanted along with the Scrivener program so I can breakdown that ...

I had a fellow writer friend look at my work on my tooth story (name to change) and I'm glad that it got the treatment it needed. She made a lot of marks and there's plenty to do but I'm happy because I know it was weak in some areas and I know that it won't get better if its in the dark. That's the problem, I know it needs work but I don't know how to fix it. I've heard of writers who are in love with their first draft who can't be convinced to fix their work. Thankfully, I'm not like that. I hope. I've said it before but it feels like trying to nail something using a wrench. I guess this is where practice comes in. 

 I just remembered what I wanted to put down. I've decided to have my Tooth story looked at by other readers. I know it's bad, no, that's not it. It needs work. I won't get better if I think my work is bad. I have to see it as a way to improve. But I realize my story won't get any better by hiding it in the dark. I have to let edit in the light as Stephen King says. So, let's see what will happen when I present it to others. 

I noticed something as I was listening to Duma Key today. What is it about that book that motivates me to write? I noticed, well, I noticed two things, that King does a couple of things when he writes. First off, he uses these great metaphors taht I'm sure he adds in later after the second or third draft. These examples fit into the story so smoothly that you don't notice that he didn't come up with them at first. What makes them great is how identifiable they are for the reader. If I said "smooth like butter" you'd understand the metaphor but its been used so many times that its impact would be lesser than if I said "smooth like vaseline." That's a more original idea but lacks something. I might be better if I was describing some kind of baum for a troublesome incident. Like the character was describing how a phone call with a family member was comforting after a long day at work. It was smooth like vaseline. It could be better though, I think t...

I'm on my couch and I'm thinking maybe life is good.

I got nothing done. NOTHING. I feel awful. I should take it easy on myself, but I had plans that were ruined by people who couldn't get my prescriptions in time and my own ADHD or autism or whatever. Maybe tomorrow will be better. At least I got some reading in. That was good. And I got to shoot some badguys, that was also good. I'm a bit worried about my paycheck because I don't know how to handle money. I've got these games you see, games I want to buy and play. But I can't because I don't have the money. Maybe later when I have more. Maybe. 

I've been polishing my skills on Gears 2 in prep for the release of Gears of War: Reloaded, a remastering of the original. I'm rusty, but I'm picking up old tricks I learned when I was in college. I should mention the dialogue in the game. I rememeber a game review describing it as "gym locker writing." The guys in this game are ridiculously masculine. Like a Jason Statham movie, the dialouge is there to get info across in the shortest, funniest way possible. It's dumb fun talking. Several characters make the back and forth work. Baird, the smart, whiny, snarky characters, annoys everyone but keeps their tech going. Overly muscled Cole, whom people call "Cole Train" is a former Thrasherball player turned soldier. Even the sports in this world are ridiculous in testosterone. And then there's the Carmine family, one Carmine, A through C, dies in each time as an in game joke. I'm halfway through the campaign and I'm picking up a few achievem...

If there's an origin to my imagination, it starts with the comic Calvin and Hobbes. The six year old captured my interest when I borrowed the collections from the library. I remember reading about this young boy who duplicated himself with a cardboard box. The same box would serve as a time machine and a "transmogripher." Each of these uses would set Calvin up on a week or so adventure usually ending in the reader questioning how much was part of Calvin's imagination and how much was real. Calvin often fights with his counterpart and best friend, a stuffed tiger named Hobbes. Both are named after late philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes. To my recollection, the two didn't have opposing views. Hobbes wasn't born for at least twenty years after Calvin's death in the late 1500s. The comic book versions are simplified versions of the inspriration's philosophy. Based on the 10th anniversery collection, creator Bill Waterson describes Calvin as a beli...

I should be happy, I was welcomed back to work with open arms. They practically put me on their shoulders and threw me a parade. I should be happy. So why am I so terrified? What is this panic in my soul? I thought of this song as I was working. It goes "I shall never, ever, ever be shaken." It's a song from my past when I was a little kid. My folks bought a lot of Christian music on cassetts back then when it was the popular format. That song mocks me. It should say "I will always be shaken." How can God be my rock when I'm petrified with fear. And what am I so nervous about? Do I fear that I'll mess up or perhaps I'll be yelled at. I was yelled at yesterday by someone in a bad mood. I wanted her to die but I think I can move on from it. I got home and I was exhausted. My back hurt so my exercises haven't been helping. A full month of exercising my spine and I still hurt even with the medicine. Is something wrong with me? Why do I get depressed ...

Before Epic Games made billions with Fortnite they were a smaller company working on the Gears of War series under Cliff Bleszinski. Now if "Cliff" isn't a manly name, I don't know what is. I never played the series until the second one came out which left an impact on me. The first game is fine but flawed, too much good stuff in the beginning (the developers let you lose a space laser on the second or third level when that should be a final level weapon). The story? You are Marcus Fenix, a former Cog turned prisoner, turned Cog again. Cogs are the trained soldiers on this world. You fight against a hoard of monsters called the Locust. The developers went all out in the monsters. There's a creature called a "Corpser" which is a giant hand mixed with a spider. There's also the Brumak which is a blind juggernaut, my other favorite besides the Corpser, and a host of smaller and larger creatures ranging from the size of a dog (tickers) to two-story behem...

 In a few hours I will make the trek to my old work place. After a month, I wonder if I'm ready. My dad called me to encourage me. I'm thankful for my parents. I got pumped by watching old Gears of War lore videos. Gears is the ulitmate expression of masculinity in gaming. Tough men taking on monsters with guns and grenades shaped like morning stars. I should talk about my thoughts of Gears at a later time. Right now, it just feels good to be back in the groove again. I plan to make the best of it.

 I'm not feeling well so I figured I would write about it. I'm in the bad mode. Not mood, mode. I get all this anxiety because it's the end of the day and I feel like I haven't done anything with my life, or the day. Every plan I make falls through. I don't want to read becaus it feels like an assignment, an obligation, not a joy. I'd feel better if I was playing video games but that's like having ice cream for dinner; it spoils the main course. Did I get better? I don't know, I guess I'll find out when I go to work tomorrow. I feel...I feel the sam way I did when I was working. That same anxiety overcomes me and I can't get over it. Why must my brain be like this?

 I realized something as I was in that sweltering heat, games aren't designed around stories. At least not at first. I'm looking at one of my favorite platformers Banjo Kazooie. I doubt the idea of a bear with a bird in his backpack was what sparked the game. It looks like the gameplay came first, then the graphics, then the story. Because the story is about as basic as they come: you rescue your sister Tootie from a witch who wants to steal her beauty. But when you start with a basic concept, you pin hole (is that the right word?) yourself into a position where you can't get out. You limit the imagination when you tell yourself "it has to be this certain way or it doesn't work." When you do that, you've placed yourself in a quagmire. I see the same with writing because when I put my characters into this certain format it limits them.  Going back to Banjo, the game has some great backstory about the witch Gruntilda, told by her good sister, Brentilda. You ...

Today is my last day off. I'll be going to work tomorrow and I don't know how to feel. I tried to sleep it off, I am a sleepy boy, but that didn't work. I haven't tried to exercise out the anxiety yet, maybe I'll try that next. I feel these jitters under the floorboard that is my soul and they're ready to burst out. I have a lot I want to do but I don't feel motivated to do them, I'd feel better if I do something more satisfying. A quick burst of accomplishment. Honestly, I feel like Calvin on a Sunday. He loves Saturdays but he can't enjoy Sundays because that means it's back to school the next day. I finally understand that feeling. What should I do? I want the day to end so I can have some purpose tomorrow. At least there I'm worth something. I don't know how King does this every day. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a writer.  I tried calling my parents, they're busy right now I guess. So what should I do? I need motivation to get ...

 When I was a kid, I remember my friend Andrew BSing me. Typical kid stuff when you're under the teen age. In the third grade, my best friend Andrew, and Zack, would discuss our favorite topics: Video Games. I didn't have access to a lot of games when I was a kid, most of my parent's money went into my an my sister's education. As such, gaming was best done at my grandma's house, who had an influx of capital since she and my grandfather were retired. There, in Indiana, three hours away from my home, I played Donkey Kong Country for the first time. It was an amazing game and blew me away. I could go into detail about why DKC is such an impactful game but this isn't the topic for this post. In fact, many youtubers have made videos praising the series on the SNES. What I want to talk about is Andrew pulling my leg. DKC was a difficult game for me. With a one hit KO I died to many baddies and fell in many pits. But the game egged me on, daring me to complete it. I e...

I'm nervous as all heck due to my medicine but I'm going to push through and warm up here to get some of my thoughts out. Right now I'm at the library so this is the perfect place to write down my thoughts on Black Souls. Sheesh, I'm trembling so much from the anxiety I can't type properly. I got to take it slower. I'm nervous because I've never fixed a story before. I usually write it and leave it because I don't know how to fix it. So much can go wrong with editing because you end up cutting a piece that you thought wasn't important but became the cornerstone of your story. You cut that and the whole piece falls apart. I start with character creation. I'm given the choice of a Knight, a Thief, and a Mage.  I play a mage because I wanted to do something different than the usual tank character I play. After a brief introduction to a girl named Alice, she explodes into a pool of blood and the screen fades to black. The game opened with me in a c...

 I wish I could have said I spent the time I had off reading and writing and playing games, but I think at least half of it was spent sleeping. It's hard to be focused when you struggle with depression. You just want the next day to come. Not all bad stuff happened. I got the first four chapters of my first draft/ outline written for the KIY story. And I got my second short story written about the tooth pain I was experiencing. So that was also good. And I've kept up with my writing despite it being VERY late in the day. Most importantly, I have my mind back, most of it. I can still feel that anxiety fog building below the floor my medicine is giving me. It waits for me to let my guard down. I'll need more than medicine, I'll need techniques to calm myself when I'm at work. Speaking of which, I've got my job back and I start monday. It'll be good to be back in the groove after being away for such a long, long time. I wonder what I'll tell my coworkers. T...

I got into Clive Barker years ago after listening to The Hellbound Heart, which became the Hellraiser francise. I've never thought of Lovecraft and Barker tied together, in fact, Barker seems to have more of an interest in Edgar Allen Poe than Lovecraft. But it's in the undertones where we find the Eldritch inspriation that infected Barker's writings.  For those mercifully unbaptised in Barker's strange worlds, The Hellbound Heart looks at what happens when people go for the extreme of pleasures. Angels to some, demons to others, the Cenobites give pain beyond the threshold to those that summon them. Cenobites are humans who have live in this realm of pain and pleasure to the extreme. The current count has eleven movies in the series based off the book, whether that is a good thing or a bad thing is up for debate. I've seen the first two movies and that's where I stopped. The rest of the films are like the Tremors movies: media designed to please only the most d...

 Two games have popped up on my radar that have influenced my writing. One I'm playing, and one I'm looking forward to playing. The first one is Promise Mascot Agency. A silly, Japanese game where you play a Yakuza trying to seek redemption after losing millions of dollars that was supposed to be for his Yakuza family. He winds up in a small out-of-luck town where mascots are the main residents and helps them find work. I should explain that mascots are a major part of modern Japanese society. I remember from my Japanese classes days in college that each providence of Japan has a mascot, including one that is phalic shaped. The game has you managing different mascots as they take care of jobs at local businesses. I need to point out that these mascots are strange. One is a pack of tofu with a bite in it's corner, another is a man in a bicycle helmet wearing pedestrian signs. And we have the main mascot, Pinky, who is reminiscent of the main character's own lost appendag...

I've stopped playing this game due to how heart breaking it can be. Darkest Dungeon tasks the players with entering parts of an old mansion and killing off the monsters that lie within. It's a tribute to Lovecraft in every form. While the monsters aren't Cthulhu based, the story and backround are based in Eldritch lore. After a baron uncoversancient secrets buried in his family's foundations, he has tunnels opened and researches the abominations that he unearths. The result causes the local town to be destroyed. Fame and glory attracts characters who revisit the abandoned town. You take control of four of these adventurers. The game offers several types ranging from priests, to knights, to bounty hunters all seeking something in the catecombs. But there are four characters that caught my eye that I wanted to talk about. These characters are living stories, their actions and clothes tell the tale that led them to this place. Let's start with the Abomination. One of m...

 I'll have to go back to work soon. I'm flip flopping between being happy and upset. I like work but I also enjoy the time I have to fool around. I just wish I was mentally healthy enough to enjoy it. It's been a long vacation but it's almost over. This means I'll also have to give up more time to pay for my expenses again. I don't want to work like a dog anymore. But I have no choice. I hope the medicine fixes me by then, I want to be better. These past four months, my birthday, the meeting with other writers, have been hellish. I want to be better. Please let me be better.  I've got this new mantra I've been using that's been helping me out. It helps when the medicine kicks in. I tell myself "I'm not Stephen King." It helps. Especially when I get down on myself for not writing or reading for the day. By afirming to myself my identity, or what I'm not, I can let my hair down a bit. There's no reason for me to torture myself by ...

 I've seen Zach Cregger's Barbarian film before this one and I enjoyed it. But I went into this film with low expectations because I heard some people hated the ending. Even with low expectations I was blown away by this film. It's more of a thriller mystery than it is a horror experience. There's ample plot, great gore effects, and fantastic acting that borders on silly. You can tell the people making this film had fun with it. Where do I begin? How about a synopsis? A teacher is accused of hurting children after her entire classroom, except one, disappears one night. All the children get up and walk out their homes at the same night. What I like is the pieces that fall into place. You get several perspectives from the teacher, a father of one of the missing children, a cop, a drug addict, the principal of the school, and the one child that remained. Each perspective gives you a bit of the puzzle and by the end all the loose ends are tied up in a brillaint manner. One ...

 I'm feeling meh. Not better, not worse. Just meh. Like I don't care about what happens. I'm bored beyond my capacity to think which is a shame because I'm behind on a lot of projects that I wanted to work on. There was a manuscript I wanted to write and some games I wanted to finish. But I can't bring myself to do it because I feel meh. It's an empty dullness that I'm actually grateful for. Instead of feeling suicidal or depressed I feel nothing. Null is a good word for it. I wish I could feel better but I feel so lazy and tired. Like I just ate a bunch of chips and want to lie down for a nap.

Too tired today. Ill write a review tomorrow.

 I had this idea churning in my head ever since my tooth was cracked. It was a fable about the caution one should take around dentists, those nasty, nasty men in white coats. After feeding myself Stephen King audiobooks I felt ready to tackle the story. Almost 2500 words later and it came out in one long, narrative from a first person view. That's my weakpoint. First person. I can see the residual effects from listening to Stephen King audiobooks. I'm experiencing it right now. And I don't care. It makes my brain feel lighter, like a tonned muscle that's ready to work out. I wonder if the same were to happen if I listened to Frank E. Peretti. He's the Sthephen King of the Christian book market. A talented writer.  I'm sent an email to my writer friend and my parents when I completed the story. I thought it was okay, I noticed some weak points and jotted them down as I was writing. The word "fix" popped up more than a couple times in my story. It's ...

 Another attempt here. I'm feeling better. Maybe it's because my meds are on the way, maybe it's because I've been talking to my friend Max. Max is the nicest man you'll ever meet. He's what I'd call a "comic lord" someone who knows comics inside and out. It's been my dream to earn enough money to give him something to live off of. Why? Because I have the urge to take care of him. He's also what I would call "soft souled." He's too kind on the inside and I worry about him. I shouldn't. I know he can take care of himself. But when you see a friend in need, you want the best for them. I want to help all the people that I care about and not be a burden. Maybe that's why I'm so hard on myself, I want to be better. But, money isn't always the answer. I know that but it's hard to believe when money moves things so easily. If I had more money, I could pay for Max's house so he wouldn't have to worry about ...

 I'm so down right now I don't feel like doing anything. I just want the day to end somehow. Someway. At least I'm not suicidal anymore but I can't enjoy the things I usually enjoy. Gaming, reading, writing. All boring to me. I feel no motivation and yet here I am writing on the computer. Good news is that I'm supposed to get some new medicine to help me out but I want to take it soon because I'm feeling so crappy. It's hard to get up to write when you feel like nothing matters. Like a gray void in your soul. There's nothing there. Anyway. I've been giving myself some helpe by playing older games. Games I used to play when I was a kid. The Jak and Daxter trilogy comes to mind. I wish I could play the Ratchet and Clank series on my PS5 but they're only in a subscription service. Seriously, why can't I just buy the games? I don't care enough to really fight about it. I just want to get better. Right now I'm on the phone with the pharmac...

 I'm trying to give myself a break because I'm off the usual meds. After this, I'm doubling down on the writing. But I'm not going to beat myself up over being unable to write due to my medicine. Today is a me day. And I'm going out with just a paragraph. 

I'm making another attempt. There's a few things I want to get off my chest. First, Trump has proved his worth for once. As much as I think he's a fool, he's done things that have helped me and the gaming community, by accident. His executive order basically states that banks and payment options can't choose what is considered "art." Which is good because the moment the banks start thinking that this is a viable way to control people, we're doomed. Going back to my previous posts about sex in games, it looks like Paypal, Mastercard, and Visa will have a tough time doing business in the US if they don't follow the rules. I doubt Trump meant for this help gamers but the side effects speak for themselves. Gamers are touting it as a victory against censorship. Me? I'm on the fence. I like that games can't be censored, I don't like any art to be held back because someone is offended. But these are games that have stuff like rape and incest i...

 I'm going to stop calling these posts "attempts" once I get back into the Lovecraftian groove. Right now I'm trying to fill up my quota of a half an hour of writing to warm up. It seems the warm up is all I do but I'm hoping to make the habit. A rabbit habit. What am I talking about? Anyway, went to the dentist today and the tooth has got to go. Unfortunately they could only meet with me on the same day as my psychiatrist so that's a no go. We decided to go without the anesthesia and just numb my mouth. I'm not looking forward to this. Not only do I have to wait another month for them to schedule me in, but I have to deal with a busted tooth for that time. What a way to learn to not chew ice. I've also got to do my exercises after this so that's no fun. I'm finding myself more and more bored lately. I can't imagine what retirement is like. You waste your time at work and then you waste your time on TV. I've been playing fewer games lat...

I've decided to come up with stories about what happened to me while I was away from work. I'll tell each person a different story to add to the confusion.  First, I was hunted down by cannibals after skydiving into the Pacific Ocean. Second, I was running from the cops after I was framed by a one armed man of killing my wife.  Finally, I decided to protest against work by staging a coup and not coming into work I'll probably do none of these ideas. Honestly, I'm in so much pain right now I can barely write. Tomorrow I call the tooth people and hopefully they can get me in asap. I haven't been writing too much lately, but I did get a lot of reading in. I've been fininish up "Haunted" by Chuck Palaniuk. Like many novels, the cover promises a lot in your imagination but fails to deliver. I'm reading essays that are well written but aren't really scary. More disturbing than actually scary. I'm tired of writing every day but I want to get bette...

 I'm better today. I went to the dentist this morning and he offered to take the tooth out that's been causing me so much pain. Only a thousand bucks which I don't have. Thankfully my parents will help me but still I feel weak for not being able to pay for it myself. Add to the fact that I haven't really bought a game for over a month. I've done my usual spending, ten bucks here and there but nothing big. Which is fine because I have plenty to play and not enough time. But that's the problem with pain is that you don't want to do anything. Instead, you feel like you have to wait for the pain to heal. It hurts a lot when you can't do anything. Like wallowing in your own misery.  The dentist I saw today wasn't much help. When I told him I wanted to wait, he looked at me like the golden goose that got away. I guess he did lose out on some cash but I need my insurance to pay for most of it and he doesn't take medicade. Now I have to stew in misery un...

I've got a tooth ache so I guess he'll or highwater came for me. I'm skipping today.

I'm just trying to keep my streak going. Right now I have a tooth ache that feels like it can only be cured by ripping it out with a pair of pliers. A while back I split a premolar and the dentist tried to save it by sewing it back together with filling. You know that feeling you have when you have a loose tooth and you just want it out? That's the same feeling I'm having right now. Take care of your teeth.  Anyway, I've been looking into Collective Shout or Collective Fart as I like to call them. Collective Wheeze claims that they didn't pressure Itch.io and Steam to take down their adult games. For many, this is about censorship but I stand with gamers on this front. But I also am aware of the adult game market and it feels like someone's saying "you took my porn from me." I don't know how to feel. As a straight man, I like sexual stuff in games. In the past, games have been criticized for having attractive male and female figures in games. The b...

 I'm nearing the end of my break from work. I've got four days left and while it has been great taking time off to do whatever I want, I miss work. I'm sure my coworkers have started rumors about me being in an asylum or some kind of crap. I might need an extention soon if my doctor doesn't give me some better meds. In the morning, I feel great because I took the morning pills, at night, I drop. I don't know how I'm supposed to write for a living if I can't keep my head on straight. I'm constantly fighting myself and I can't get over the war in my head. Lately I've been praying that God gets in my head before I get in there. I can do anything and blah, blah, blah, Christ and whatever. It's strange because I've grown up on a diet of Christian literature and TV shows and either there's something I'm missing or Christians are delusional. There's tons of animations about the wonderfulness of God but no one tells you how hard life ...