The Blog In Yellow

I had a nightmare last night. I was back at my call center job. I spent five years in that hell answering questions for fat women on why their clothes didn't fit. That kind of job is one that no one should have. They made us buy food at a grocery store so that we could stay on the phone longer. We bought it with our own money. They forced us to sit in these chairs for hours answering call after call after call. Then, I met a woman who wanted to blow up the building. I had to join her.  It reminds me of that short story "A Deer in the Works" in which a man chases a deer in a factory as his first job. I'm really tired and depressed today. I didn't get a lot of sleep and I just have to wait until my medicine makes me feel better. It won't always be like this, I'll be better soon. I just have to be patient.  I have this playlist on Youtube called "Mental Masochism." I've been watching it a lot lately. It's a playlist of things that make me cr...

I wasn't going to write today. I wanted a day off. I've already forgotten my exercises and I think I'd rather be doing those than writing today. Yesterday was a bit of an up day. Before I talk about my therapy session, I need to talk about my supervisor at work. She asked if she could do anything for me and I started talking about one of our residents who I had trouble with. I had talked to the nurse supervisor earlier about this resident and was brushed off. The resident was "helping" me with cleaning up plates which sounds good but in reality I want to be left alone and his "help" only makes it worse. If he dumped the food before putting the plate on the sink that would be one thing but he takes plates full of food to the sink which I have to take back to the garbage can and dump. So, it adds more work to my workload. The nurse supervisor seemed to be in a mood which is rare, he's such a happy guy most of the time. After talking to my other supervi...

I had to go shopping today, not only because I needed food but also because my stomach was mad at me. It didn't want to eat Bob Evans frozen ham and cereal for breakfast. I have to make this food last until the 8th when my stamps are renewed. Chicken and rice sounds good, I'm sick of hamburger and noodles. I'm also out of Classica sauce which means I can't make spaghetti. Right now I'm calming myself with some Cheeze-its. It's like comfort for my stomach. I've been told that there's this thing called "food anxiety" where you worry about what you'll eat for the next few days. So I need to extend my food until the stamps come back. Being poor isn't fun. Moving on, one of the issues I've been having is playing new games. I've got a bunch I want to play or finish but I don't have the joy or motivation to do it. But, there's the ADHD part of me that jumps from one thing to another. I don't finish games, I let them fade. S...

I've been thinking about the writing I've been doing. I already gave up on things like friends but I figured I wasn't really using my time to make friends so I thought it would be better to write. I wonder if I'm improving. Today's therapy went horribly. First, my therapist was FORTY minutes late. They've already put me in a bind with having me meet two different therapists after one of them left due to a vague reason. I wish that these people would stay consistant so I can form a pattern. If I don't, I can't be comfortable to open up and talk to them. If I can't talk to them, then what's the purpose of therapy? I'm tired of these meetings. I want to waste my time playing games or reading or writing this crap. Instead I've got an aid twice a week, two therapists in a row and soon I'll have meetings with this guy who'll help me find a job. I'm more stressed out NOW than I was before I had the meeting. What's happening to me...

Dear John,  What should I say to you. It's cliche to say that there's so much so I'll say what I know right now. I wish you good health and many friends. I know that in my time that a new disease called Covid will hit and the world will change. You'll think to yourself "I never thought I would be in a modern-day plague." But you will. You won't catch it and it won't kill you but it will affect your world forever. I don't watch sports so don't bet on any teams. In fact, sports gambling will become huge. I know you like watching the early days of poker but it's nothing like that. There will be more people who are addicted to gambling than ever before so watch out for that. That's physical and mental health taken care of. There will be sick days and days you want to quit your job. You have to be careful here. I know it's hard for us to hold a job but please go easy on yourself. I wish you would take the time to make more friends. There...

I was talking with my mom about Shirley Jackson's writing style. Mom's only a few chapters in but there's this introduction to this character who daydreams about how she would leave in each room of the Hill House. In one she thinks she would be a princess and in another she'd become a writer. I'm paraphrasing but the idea is there. It's a way of showing the character without saying "She was a daydreamer." It's interesting to me because I want to emulate that kind of style. Especially because it drew my mom in. I heard people say you write for one person and my mom might be that person. I want to write something for her that she would like. We also talked about this show called "Professor T." It's a Dutch show that's been ported over to the UK with an English-speaking actor. The original is harder for my folks to watch because they hate reading subtitles. I'm used to (thank you anime) but I understand why it kills the momentum ...

Today I'm pretty sure my friend will go home. I had a blast last night playing DnD with my other friends. I wonder if it was because I was so into it. Recently I found a blog that talked about the monsters from Kouldelka. It was based on the fan wiki but the writer gave their own impressions of the baddies which was neat to read. Maybe I should make my own impressions. The problem is that the game is what...about three hundred dollars? I need more money but my parents would freak out if I paid that much for a game. Guess I'm stuck with emulators. That's fine. I wish PS5 would host the game. Or the Shadow Heart series. Those games are very expensive and hard to find. This is one of the goals in my life, to preserve games. And translate all games into English for a giant library.   I looked up the development behind Koudelka and the game's name and main character are based on the photography of Josef Koudelka, a famous photographer from Czechoslovakia. He's famous for...

If I keep at this pace, I'll have written for 365 days by the start of November. I let my friend stay over a little more today. He looked like he could use the rest. Part of me regrets letting him stay over a little longer. I want to play games and be by myself. There's nothing better than being alone. I've heard pastors like Bill Johnson who say how were supposed to be in a community. He doesn't understand the wonder of being in your own mind. It's great because you don't have to put on a mask. Even when I'm with my friends and family, no matter how close they are, I put on a mask. Whether it's a fool's mask or one of seriousness, it's still a mask and it chaffs my skin. It's a blessing to be able to be yourself and lounge on your couch. To not worry about tomorrow but know that your day is has purpose and direction. It's a wonderful thing. I've been wishlisting a lot of books on procrastination and rewiring your brain. I've noti...

I still feel fragile. The medicine hasn't taken root yet but I need to be patient. Once my body becomes used to the it I'll be better. I haven't had the chance to write all day. I don't know what to do on my days off. I feel so weak compared to the days when I have my job, when I have my purpose. Is this some kind of curse upon me? I can't do a full days worth of writing unless I'm on a deadline. Right now my friend is awake and he wants to watch a movie. I want to write some more. Maybe that's the secret. Find something else to do.  Even though I'm better, I still fear hurting people. It's scary to talk to others when you're afraid that they'll think you insane. I know I'm not better yet because I get weepy, or emotional whenever I see something sad. It makes it hard to keep your emotions in check. Some days I'm afraid to eat because I worry that my medicine will give me stomach aches or the night chills. Then I can't sleep and I...

I am better today. I don't want to go to work but at least I'm not fantasizing about jumping off my roof. I suppose that's an improvement. I haven't done my exercises or prayers today and I doubt I'll be doing the latter for a while. I feel like I've been abandoned by God. Or maybe this is just reality to me now. I'm trying to think about something happy because I found out from my friend that the police came over yesterday. They called them "The Squad" and they're supposed to check if I'm a danger to myself or to other people. I was at work so my friend answered the door for me. He asked me when I got home if I was ok. I'm better now but there's still trauma here and there. I want to get better. I hope to get better. Going to work and putting on the uniform helped. At least yesterday it did. Today, I don't know. I want to talk about something happy, from a time when I was happy. Or at least a time that I see through rose-collor...

I don't think I'll survive this. My body keeps on rebelling against me. Over and over I keep on losing my mind. I was ready to throw myself off a cliff today. It was only when I had the chills at night did I realize it was because of my pre-diabetes. God did nothing. If I were to die, he would have done nothing. Where is he in my worst of times? Nowhere because he doesn't care. I'm done with him. I'm done with my parents who can't do anything. I just sent a letter off to my doctor. I can't live like this anymore. This overwhelming urge to kill myself mixed with these cold night chills is making my life hell. I should be reading but I can't concentrate. Did you know, I have over five thousand tabs open in my phone. It's more like ten thousand. Even if I go through them all they won't matter. I have so much I want to read and do and so little energy that I don't know what to do. I can't prioritize or focus.  I was so out of it yesterday tha...

I'm excited today. Lets see if I can get to two thousand words today. Yesterday was weird. I went into work and I saw this ad for this show called "Vox Machina." It's a DnD show based off the Critical Roll podcast. To be fair, I don't care for DnD all that much. And I thought that maybe if I watched a show about the game, that it would spark my interest. If anything, it's managed to turn me off even more. The series is crude and silly and while I don't mind that kind of brash humor, I was expecting something a little more...smarter than what I got. The trailer made the show appear clever but in reality it's just not what I expected. I thought it would be grotesque for sure but I hoped there would have been a little more thought put into it. Like Baldur's Gate 3 but for frat boys. Instead I got more of the frat rather than the Gate. Baldur's Gate has a lot more "class" than Vox Machina. I have to say that the show has made me rethink m...

There's a place Stephen King and Lovecraft know that I don't. A place where they mix the normal with the paranormal and create this, this THING where the reader believes in the supernatural. By establishing the normal and slowly racheting up the tension and keeping with the pace the reader starts to believe. Take Star Wars for example, because why not. We start with a fight in space and a princess giving these documents to a pair of droids. The ship the princess is on is captured and the droids bump into our protagonist Luke. Because the scene is so well-shot and the dialogue is good and the acting is believable, we accept this as the norm for Star Wars. There's a war going on and there are clearly good guys and bad guys. With Luke we see the common man in this world, a farmer. But he's got a bigger destiny. And we can accept the droids, the ships in space, the man in the black mask who breathing is creepy, but then we're introduced to the Force and that's where...

I had an idea of what I wanted to write about today but I forgot to put it down. A pity, I thought it was a good idea at the time. I talked to my writing coach yesterday and she likes my Cain idea. The basic formula behind it is the idea of "killing someone won't bring them back." I'm sure you've heard that phrase before. It's this idea of how revenge won't bring back loved ones. And yet we have this urge inside of us to get justice in some kind of form. So what if there was a world with a spell or a technique where killing a murderer did bring them back? That's the crux of the story. It's strange becaue the world I imagined it in is very bleak and gray. So much so that I barely did any research. I just went into my imagination and pulled the first thing that came out. It's a desolate land that represents my protagonist's mindset. He's had everything taken from him and only has revenge. Which reminds me. Im thinking about breaking down ...

One of the things I think about is how David from the Psalms in the Bible was able to praise God in his worst moments. I'd say about half the Psalms, at least the ones written by him, are complaining or crying out to God. I usually want to blame God for my issues. If someone has the power to make the pain stop or to put a billion dollars on your doorstep, you'd expect them to do it, especially if they're family. Maybe it's a trust issue on my end. Anyway there were a few things I wantes to write about today. The game I mentioned, the water park simulator? It has similar aspects to it that I find in many other sim games. One of the biggest ones which is both a blessing and a curse is how these games throw a lot at you in a short amount of time. My favorite, "Tavern Manager Simulator" makes your clean dishes, sweep, water horses, cook food, wipe tables, and take a frying pan to any would-be thieves. The same happens in the water park sim but instead I'm clea...

I had a strange dream last night, a good one but still strange. I was being hunted by scientists and military creeps who wanted to take me back to the lab. It reminded me of the game Second Sight where the protagonist had psychic power he could use to esceape his enemies. I've got something similar, I can put bad thoughts into people's minds with my finger gun. Just point and shoot those bad thoughts away. I think this might make a good story. I can make people commit suicide with depression or get them angry enough to kill their fellow worker. I like having dreams like this.  Yesterday was a good day, the only bad thing that happened was that it was too cold for me to sleep. Guess I'll have to add that blanket. The other thing that happened was that I cut myself shaving. A nasty little cut that leaves a little skin. Like being sheared or skinned. Speaking of which, I bought a new game called "Skinfreak." Published by Torture Star Video and developed by some guy w...

Several good things happend to me yesterday. When I walked in yesterday I met an elderly woman who worked at the facility. "Six two or six three." That's the first thing she said to me. I picked up immediately and told her six two. She went into a story about how she knew an athlete who was six three and whenever she hugged him she head to stand on a stool or the stairs to hug him or she'd hug his navel. She proceeded to ask me what my degree was in. I told her I was unsure if it was a B.A. or a B.A.S. or something like that. To my knowledge I haven't looked at my degree in years as it hangs on my parent's house. It's easy to forget your own accomplishments and then you forget how to treasure them. As we talked she said that she worked with mental health. At least, I think that's what she did. She said that she helped people through personal problems but she didn't say she was a therapist or a counselor. I don't know what type of job she does t...

I'm writing despite Hell or High Water. I've got a few things I want to talk about.  First, I've been playing a game called Water Park Simulator. It's part of a popular genre where developers created these sim games with jank physics and strange graphics. It's not bad but it's obvious that some developers are using a similar script or the same assets for a quick turn over. It's hastily built but that's not really a problem for me as long as better stuff comes out in the future. As long as the developers plan to fix the game then it's easy for me to toss my hat in and buy the game. I've been burned before by games that have been stuck in early access for years. I recently tried to return such a game which I had for two years. I'm not getting that money back, but I tried anyway. It was obvious the developers had no intention, or ability to finish the game. Maybe it was too large or too ambitious, or maybe they were greedy and tried to make a qu...